This week on The Bachelorette, we trade one horrible human being for another.
Let’s bitch it out…
As you may recall, when we left off last week Clint was about to get thrown out by Kaitlyn for, in laymen’s terms, being a d-bag. Even Clint admits it: “It’s been so hard for me to overcome myself.” JJ then throws him under the bus UNNECESSARILY. He demands an apology from Clint, and this year’s epic bromance is over. We get this season’s first hysterical crying breakdown courtesy of JJ, who only just realizes he is the devil’s spawn. We can tell because he literally slaps himself in the face. As Clint says, “Nut up or shut up.” Truer words have never been spoken, Clint, truer words…
After Kaitlyn decides not to hold a rose ceremony (because she wants to keep JJ??!?!), Chris Harrison tells the boys that they will be leaving the Bachelor Mansion forever. We, of course, know this isn’t true as one of them is sure to be next year’s Bachelor. But anyhow, we head next to NYC to resume going on dates intended to humiliate Kaitlyn’s suitors. Meanwhile, Jonathan thinks Times Square is really romantic. It must be that giant Olive Garden.
First up on the group date itinerary: a rap battle moderated by Doug E. Fresh! This is super awkward for the white boys that don’t know who he is (ahem, I’m looking at you Shawn B.). Shawn B. does give us the best battle burn o’ the night “Justin’s hair would have looked great in 1994.” Also, Kaitlyn’s godawful rapping is SO painful.
Guess who was at the rap battle (if you can call it that)? Not only Ashley “I’m a Kardashian” I, but Nick. You remember Nick, he’s the class act that told everyone he slept with Andi Dorfman back in her season. Now the dude is back for more fame (this time without a scarf, thank God). He and Kaitlyn have been “communicating over social media” and he would never forgive himself if he didn’t throw his hat in the ring (i.e. I don’t have a job, so I might as well see if I can get a free trip to Ireland and some ass on the side). He’s like that guy who graduated last year and still goes to the high school house party. You’re creepy dude. Go home.
Nick swears he’s authentic and genuine, which is the first sign that he’s not. Unfortunately Kaitlyn decides to tell all of the guys she might have Nick stay (side note: never present things this way. If you’re going to do it, do it. If you’re not, don’t mention it and ruin the relationships you have. It’s like she’s never seen this show…).
Shawn B. is pissed, and rightly so. Jonathan is upset, and it’s adorable that he actually thinks he’s going make it past the next rose ceremony anyhow. Justin is OK with it because if Nick comes, it’s not going to “detour” him. Justin gets the rose for being understanding that she wants to make out with someone else.
Now to the best part of the episode: we get not one but two Ashleys! Ashley S. put down her onion/pomegranate, picks up her curling iron and drops some knowledge on Kaitlyn. She tells her, in effect, stop thinking with your dick. But most importantly, we got to see behind the curtain: Kaitlyn does not naturally look that cute in a braid. Good to know.
We engage in a mercilessly short one-on-one with Jared, who…partially shaves his face?…for his black tie date. He reassures Kaitlyn that she’s allowed to bring obnoxious Nick in the house, so he gets a make out sesh and a rose. This is how it works, folks.
Next group date: auditions for Broadway’s Aladdin. I’m not gonna lie, I got super pumped for this! As Chris explains to us, it’s an epic tale of a “street rat” who wins the heart of a princess, just like he’s about to do. Chris sings “A Whole New World” to himself in the shower (and admits it on national TV), so he is PUMPED for this challenge. As Aladdin’s director notes of the intensity during Chris’s audition, “he’s not mocking it, he just doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Chris wins the date rose for his efforts, but the way Kaitlyn gives him the cheek/hug move when Chris moves in for the make-out, I got a little nervous for his long-term prospects.
Once again, The Bachelorette leaves us hanging with no rose ceremony. Instead, we are left with the cliffhanger: watching Nick rolling his suitcase across the New York streets about to walk into the lion’s den.
What did you think? Do you hate Nick as much as I do? Are you going to go off and download the original soundtrack to Aladdin? Just me? Sound off below!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8pm EST on ABC