Queer.Horror.Movies

The curated portfolio of film journalist Joe Lipsett

[Pose Recap W/t Gayly Dreadful] Ninja 3: The Domination Is The Best Part Of “What Would Candy Do?”

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Each week Terry (@gaylydreadful) and Joe (@bstolemyremote) discuss the most recent episode of FX’s Pose, alternating between their respective sites – gaylydreadful.com and queerhorrormovies.com.

Episode 2.05 “What Would Candy Do?”: Competition gets the best of Damon (Ryan Jamaal Swain) and Ricky (Dyllon Burnside) as they audition for a spot on Madonna’s Blonde Ambition tour.

Joe

Well Terry, I’m not going to lie: I found this week’s episode of Pose, “What Would Candy Do?” to be a complete and utter snooze fest. Perhaps it’s that my cultural connection to Madonna’s Blonde Ambition tour and Solid Gold are nearly non-existent, but this felt like a series of dance videos in search of a plot.

Let’s back up: the episode opens with the context that Queen Madge’s “Vogue” is now in its third week at #1 and she’s casting authentic Ball dancers to go on tour. Naturally both Ricky and Damon want it and naturally both of their house mothers think that they’re a shoo-in. “What Would Candy Do?” tries to get a lot of mileage out of the contrasting approaches to motherhood that Elektra (Dominique Jackson) and Blanca (Mj Rodriguez) employ, but we’ve always known that Blanca  is supportive and inspirational whereas Elektra is a tough bitch who refuses to coddle. That’s not new, in spite of what the writers seem to think (and repeatedly try to hammer home here).

My biggest issue with the episode, though, is the structure is all over the place. Nearly half of the runtime is dedicated to the preparation for the first audition, then there’s a brief Ballroom showdown (involving a fucking Tonya Harding-like attempt to take Damon out of contention?!?!) and then we don’t even see the callback audition, and then we’re literally on the set of Solid Gold with an exteeeeeeeeended (read: boring) dance sequence as the week’s top 10 songs are counted down. I honestly fast-forwarded when we got to song eight because it started to feel like Pose was padding the run time!

Yes, I’m obviously being a bitch, but this was a 25 minute episode wrapped in a 45 minute shell and I. WAS. BORED. Terry, what did you think of all of this dancing? Were you invested in the “will they/won’t they” antics as Damon and Ricky kept circling each other romantically? And what evokes stronger memories for you: the Blonde Ambition Tour or Solid Gold?

Terry

I don’t know, Joe. This episode made me jump for joy. Like I literally gave a surprised…well, squeal doesn’t sound very flattering…but I made a happy noise and laughed because my two loves collided: queer programming and off-the-wall movies!

Yes, I’m talking about the fact that Pose name-dropped one of the more bonkers movies I’ve seen. It turns out that one of the solid gold dancers would go on to star in Ninja III: The Domination. This is a true story! Her name is Lucinda Dickey and she had a brief stint on Solid Gold. Ninja III was about a telephone line woman/aerobics instructor who gets possessed by the evil spirit of a ninja after she comes to his aid. It’s pretty bonkers and a great movie to watch with a group of friends.

Unlike this episode of Pose, which I found to be the most boring episode of TV I’ve seen since that episode of Stranger Things where Eleven goes to Chicago and completely killed S2’s momentum. The only positive that I can really come up with, outside of name-dropping a bad cult flick, is that it was only an hour long.

But oof, what a long hour that was. I also found the dancing at the end to really be padding. And it’s not as if this is going to go anywhere. I hate to break it to Ricky and Damon, but unless Pose is set in a different multiverse, Solid Gold ain’t getting picked up for another season. The show petered out in 1988.

I know you mentioned this, but it deserves repeating: what threw me for a complete loop is that there’s all this build up, dancing, auditions and drama and then there’s no callback audition! Joe, that’d be like cutting your favorite movie Jaws right as they’re about to go into The Orca to hunt the shark and then cut to them swimming home. How you going to cut out the climax of the episode?! Who does this?

I’m also completely over the Damon/Ricky sitch. Like this episode, it has gone on too long. Though I will say that I’m officially in your camp that Ricky could “get it” (It being me, though I still hold a candle for Angel Bismark Curiel’s new and improved Papi).

I’m glad you mentioned the Blanca/Elektra comparisons. We get it. They’re different people. But then Elektra brings out Candy’s hammer?? Dominique Jackson already chews the scenery, we don’t need her swinging a hammer around, as well! Her de-evolution into a campy cartoon has already been more pronounced this season. At this rate, I’m waiting for her to bring out a vat of dip and a shivering shoe.

But, Joe, I’m just going to say it: the most egregious moment of this episode is that Janet Jackson’s fantastic “Alright” was fourth place. I got nothing else, Joe. This episode didn’t give me anything to think about. Are you a Madonna fan? I know this season is all about the idea of the mainstream appropriating ball room culture, but are you still on board with the constant Madonna-ness of it all?

And…I don’t know, do you like pancakes? I seriously got nothing here.

Joe

AHHHH I’m so glad that you brought up Ninja 3 because that bizarro little cult film is a goddamn gem! Ugh, if only we had of got to see clips of that film instead of what we ended up with!

As for hurting for things to say, it’s a serious problem isn’t it?! There was just no reprieve in this episode for folks who aren’t completely fascinated with the Ricky/Damon drama. Typically in a drama series, and especially one with a bench as deep as Pose, you’ll have at least a B-plot to distract you if you’re not on board with the main storyline. Here the closest thing we get is that throwaway scene between Angel (Indya Moore) and Papi where she mentions that she’s successfully booking other modelling gigs and he compliments her look

Sidebar: show, don’t tell, Pose! Take 5 minutes out of this 60 minute fiasco to give us a montage of Angel running around town, taking meetings.

But yes, I’m still kind of on board for Madonna, though I don’t really know how much further the writers can take this now that there are no more spots on the tour. You’ve got to imagine that all of this talk about the Ball going mainstream has now been squashed so it’s unclear whether Pose will pivot back to its other residual storylines – AIDS drama and Blanca’s battle with Patti LuPone – or introduce something else for its few remaining episodes.

At this point though, something has to happen. Two out of five episodes this season have been flat out disasters, which is a pretty miserable batting average for a series that just picked up a bunch of Emmy nominations (for last season obviously).

But yes, at least we’ll always have pancakes (Preferably banana chocolate in the shape of dinosaurs)

Back to you, Terry: do you think the Madonna stuff is dunzo? Do you think there was enough reference to Candy (considering the episode literally includes her name in it)? Are you eager to get back to a particular lingering plot line? And whose lewk was best in the episode: Ricky’s lime green striped pants or the Solid Gold outfits?

Terry

Omg. I completely forgot about Patti! My immediate thought was “who???” But you’re right, WTF happened to that story?

I think you hit on the biggest problems of this season. It’s lacking a strong episodic through line. Narrative threads pop up and then vanish. We’re halfway through this season and I don’t even know what this season is about. Pose is struggling to find its voice and the result is starting to feel like a bunch of sitcom episodes. Here, we have two characters who are apart, get together and then end the episode basically where they started it.

And yes! Same thing with Angel. Her story just feels blasé, now. She’s getting everything she wants and it’s all off screen. Where’s the conflict? Where’s the drama? I’ve never been a Madonna fan. She’s fine. Got a couple bangers but she’s just not for me. And while I hope we move on from this, I just don’t think we will. I think she’s coded in this season’s DNA. I guess that’s it for this week. Let’s hope next week is better.

Oh, and Joe? Lime green striped pants all the way.

Next week: “Love’s in Need of Love Today” looks to bring both AIDS and Patti in a big way. We’ll hop back over to Terry’s site, Gayly Dreadful for episode six!

[Review] ‘Scream: Resurrection’ Kills With Boredom

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The long-awaited third season of MTV’s Scream debuts under a revised miniseries moniker and new channel (Scream: Resurrection and VH1, respectively), but the issues that plagued the first two seasons remain a killer problem. [Read more…]

[Pose Recap w/t Gayly Dreadful] Bodies In The Closet in ‘Butterfly/Cocoon’

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Each week Terry (@gaylydreadful) and Joe (@bstolemyremote) discuss the most recent episode of FX’s Pose, alternating between their respective sites – gaylydreadful.com and queerhorrormovies.com. Missed last week’s recap? Click here to read it.

Episode 2.03 “Butterfly/Cocoon”: A fatal mishap with a client leads Elektra (Dominique Jackson) to seek out the counsel of Blanca (Mj Rodriguez) and Candy (Angelica Ross). Meanwhile, moving from friends to lovers proves to be a challenge for Angel (Indya Moore) and Lil Papi (Angel Bismark Curiel).

JOE

Well Terry, much like House Ferocity, they can’t all be winners, can they?

‘Butterfly/Cocoon’ is easily the worst episode of Pose’s second season and by far my least favourite of the four that I’ve seen.

This is the third episode of the series written by Our Lady J (after 1.03’s ‘Giving and Receiving’ and 1.07’s ‘Pink Slip’), but there’s something demonstrably off about it. It’s as though Lady J is struggling to capture the tone or spirit of the series, so that even while there are fascinating elements about how the queer, and more specifically the transgender community, is treated by the police, ‘Butterfly/Cocoon’ never quite comes together.

Part of this may have to do with the episode’s focus on Elektra. As much as I love Dominique Jackson’s performance as the brash and bossy Mother, Elektra has never been the series’ main character…for good reason. Elektra is that key utility player that you sprinkle into scenes to liven them up. Here she’s the MAIN EVENT and while I would argue that it’s the plot that she’s surrounded by that ultimately dooms the episode, it is challenging to suddenly thrust a supporting character into the spotlight for 50+ minutes out of the blue.

Ultimately, though, it’s a lamentable plot that sinks the episode. We’ve seen accidental murders that require covering up a billion times on TV and it requires a deft touch and a certain amount of finesse to pull off. ‘Butterfly/Cocoon’s handling of the material is most reminiscent of the ill-fated (and extremely ill-advised) plot of Friday Night Lights S2 when Landry murders a man who tries to sexually assault Tyra and they spend the rest of the season in a completely different show.

Everything about Pose‘s attempt at the same story line – from Candy’s casual dismissal to the reintroduction of the odd back alley silicone injection woman to the montage of covering the body in lye and packing him up in the closet – just…doesn’t feel like Pose.

Terry, what – if anything – worked for you about this plot line?

TERRY

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe. Nothing about this episode worked for me, I’m sad to say.

Skimming through my notes from last night, there’s just a lot of “this is a filler episode” and “what is happening right now.” I think you deftly hit the mark with the major problem with this. I know Elektra is a fan favorite and, like you, I enjoy her brash quips…but she reminds me of Coach Sue Sylvester on Glee, whose withering bon mots could tear even the thickest skinned person down. Seeing her meteoric rise in fan popularity, they leaned hard into her character to the detriment of the main storylines.

I hinted at this before, but I’m afraid this is what they’re doing with Elektra. Like you, I enjoy Dominique Jackson’s performance…but she kind of operates only at one level, as if she’s shouting to the people in the cheap seats at a theatre. So an entire episode of that was a bit much for me.

But my biggest issue was also something you touched on, Joe. It feels weirdly disconnected from the rest of the series, as if we were dropped into the middle of a (long) melodramatic sitcom. It was kooky character hour with the back alley plastic surgeon and the always reliable Candy. But then it gives the usually villainous Elektra a “pet the dog” scene…where Dead Paul is the dog. Her suddenly praying over the body and then making metaphoric comments about how his body will always be with her feels disingenuous. I’m no expert, but I’ve watched a lot of horror movies and I just kept thinking that there has to be a better way of getting rid of him than their very elaborate scheme, right?

Continuing the sitcom theme, Angel is (again!) on the apparent fast track to modelling stardom…except then she’s not…and then she ultimately is by the end of the episode. Everything is back to the status quo. Her brief relationship with Papi also came out of nowhere for me. The only chemistry they’ve had between them involved him shooting photos of her earlier this season. Their final scene this episode confused me because it felt like the actors were in two completely different scenes. Angel Bismark Curiel’s Papi is tearfully ripping his heart out while Indya Moore’s Angel is just sort of…smiling brightly? Did we even get a resolution with their relationship? I’m not even sure.

I don’t know, Joe. It’s too early in the season for a filler episode of this magnitude. Do you think this is the last we’ll see of Paul or will he become Chekhov’s body and cause more drama for Elektra later this season? And what about the explosive break-up last episode of a series-long relationship that didn’t get any resolution or fallout?

JOE

Oh the show is FOR SURE doing Ryan Jamaal Swain’s Damon (and to a lesser extent, Ricky) dirty. It’s the most substantial “fall from attention” plummet for a main character I’ve seen in quite some time and while Damon has never been my favourite character, it’s still very odd to see him essentially disappear from the narrative.

As for Chekov’s Body (née Paul), I would be happy never to revisit this story line. The minute Elektra left the room to file her nails and chill in the break room I knew where this was going and it played out exactly the way I feared, so if we never had to address the chest in the closet again, it would still be too soon!

Then there’s that Angel/Papi storyline. UGH. I’ll confess that I never bought this relationship (it simply feels shoehorned in, as though characters circling each other in close quarters must invariably fall in love or sleep together). There’s a legitimate lack of chemistry between Bismark Curiel and Moore and their romance feels like it was constructed out of thin air. When he tells her early in the episode “I’ve been waiting for a girl like you”, I may have literally exclaimed aloud “Since when?!”

I haven’t loved the Angel/modelling stuff, but I did think that the montage of her photoshoot set to Neneh Cherry’s “Buffalo Stance” was a bit of fun and the entire House Evangelista’s reaction to her Duane Reade campaign (which apparently IMMEDIATELY happened?!) is very cute. With that said, we’re now 2/2 for modern references in a 90s-set series, following Mrs. Ford use of “Consider it handled” to end her phone call.

I don’t need Olivia Pope/Scandal references in my Pose, Terry!

TERRY

Since we’re at confessional, I’ll mention that I didn’t pick up on the “Consider it handled” line because *whispers quietly* I’ve never seen Scandal. But for a show that’s lauded as an examination of queer culture in 1980s/90s NYC, the anachronisms are a bit much.

The only positive thing I can say about The Bizarre Case of the Mummified Body (née Paul) is that they at least pulled from a real life incident. The episode wraps with a quote from Dorian Corey, a famous drag performer and fashion designer who also, coincidentally, had more than just clothes in her closet. I don’t want to beat a dead mummy, but the way it was brusquely handled this episode just felt so out of character for the show.

Oh well. It looks like we’re taking a break next week, Joe. But when Pose returns in two weeks, I’m hopeful the show course corrects and returns us to more of what makes Pose so interesting.

In two weeks: Pose returns with “Never Knew Love Like This Before” as Pray Tell and Candy escalate their feud and we jump back to Gayly Dreadful for episode four!

[Pose Recap w/t Gayly Dreadful] AIDS, Madonna and Glow-Ups Kick-Off ‘Acting Up’

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Each week Terry (@gaylydreadful) and Joe (@bstolemyremote) discuss the most recent episode of FX’s Pose, alternating between their respective sites – gaylydreadful.com and queerhorrormovies.com.

Episode 2.01 “Acting Up”: Bianca (Mj Rodriguez) encourages the House of Evangelista to follow their dreams. Pray Tell (Billy Porter) joins an activist group to fight for the rights of HIV-positive people.

JOE

Well Terry, here we are! About a month or so ago, I proposed that we jointly tackle Pose reviews when it returned for S2 since we were both “bad gays” who had yet to finish the first season. Cut to today and the aftermath of the supersize premiere.

Spoiler alert: I’m also a cheater because I’ve actually already seen the first four episodes (I wrote a pre-air review for The Spool), but I promise to keep my awareness of what is to come to a minimum.

I don’t know about you, but I found that binging those final episodes of season one immediately before this first episode was very informative. Pose really came together in the back half of season one, but – to me – there’s a marked increase in confidence and storytelling prowess in “Acting Up.”

Now, a large part of that has to do with the series’ willingness to more fully acknowledge and confront the implications of the HIV/AIDS crisis. I praised the premiere’s extended opening sequence with Pray Tell and Blanca on Hart Island, as well as the “Die In” at Cardinal O’Connor’s service because it feels like the kind of brave, “give no fucks” stories that Pose is unabashedly unafraid of telling. I’m happy that I’m at a place where the interior, micro-level details of the lives of the characters matter deeply to me, but I also love that Pose swings for the fences when it comes to political storytelling. This is sure to age me, but I think it’s incredibly important that younger audiences who tune in for the balls and the bitchery learn a thing or two about just how deeply fucked queer, black/brown, trans, poor and vulnerable people were in the face of the AIDS crisis in the late 80s/90s.

Now, with that said, Pose is still a show designed to entertain and “Acting Up” also checks that box. I liked the use of “Vogue” as a cultural milestone and while Angel (Indya Moore)’s modelling career – and its accompanying ups and downs – happened a little too quickly for my liking, it’s still an interesting direction to explore for House Evangelista’s most passable femme member.

At this point, Terry, I’ll turn it over to you. What stood out for you in this opener? Do you have a favourite character or plot line? Are you worried about the health of either Pray Tell or Blanca, or do you think both are too integral to the series to kill off?

TERRY

Well, Joe. When you first approached me to do this, I was a bit nervous. I hadn’t actually seen a single episode of Pose at that point even though I had planned to ever since it premiered. And, not to age myself either, while I’m definitely in the age group that should know about ball culture and the queer history of the 80s, it wasn’t until Drag Race that I ever even dipped my toes into it. Living in the middle of the country, in a pre-internet world and with parents that thought cable TV was a waste, my knowledge of anything outside of horror movies was very limited growing up. I think that’s one of the awesome things the internet, the great equalizer, has done for the younger generation.

But yes, binging those final episodes over the course of a weekend was very gratifying. Pose began season one a little rocky and I didn’t quite understand where it would be going. In my mind, it was a Drag version of Game of Thrones with pitched battles on the dance floor between House Abundance and House Evangelista. But that’s (thankfully) not what we ultimately got. And as the show allowed its characters to breathe and the stories to start unwinding based on character decisions, I found myself unable to stop watching.

Now, with season two, I gotta say: Category is: New Beginnings!

I appreciated the time jump to 1990 and I’m wondering if subsequent seasons will do similar time jumps. Because, to answer your question, while I don’t think Blanca and Pray Tell are going anytime soon, I’m starting to see Pose as the legacy of these houses throughout the AIDS crisis. If that is the case, and these time jumps are going to be the norm, then there will be a time post-Blanca and/or post-Pray Tell. And I don’t want to think about it, because they are probably my favorites. But the opening to Acting Up certainly establishes the grim reality in ways I don’t think the first season did. You mentioned the opening sequence at Hart Island and the fact that it’s a real place with a storied past hit hard. I don’t know about you, Joe, but this moment was heart-wrenching as it laid out the facts, stacked one on one, in trenches.

You mentioned Angel’s quick rise to modeling and I completely agree. When I was binging the first season, I started to see trends in the episode’s structure, where each episode focused on a specific theme. And if escalated storytelling helped sell that theme, then Ryan & Co were going for it. In “Acting Up,” I feel like her quick modeling ascension was mostly tied to Blanca’s goal this season of making sure her children are going to be okay when she’s gone. Another acceleration was Pray Tell’s sojourn into political action. One minute he’s mourning a lost friend, the next he’s at an ACT UP meeting, ready to lead the charge. But when viewed as a coda to last season, I think it makes more sense than Angel’s modeling career. Even though there’s a darkly humorous exchange between him and his favorite nurse about winning a toaster at 1,000 memorials, you can tell he’s had enough of feeling impotent.

As for my favorite moment, I LIVED for the image of Elektra, dressed as Marie Antoinette and subsequently being beheaded…TWICE. The lashing she received at the tongue of Pray Tell was vicious as hell, but that came from a real place of pain. Her outfit choice was a bit too on-the-nose, contrasting Antoinette’s lavish spending to the detriment of her kingdom with Elektra’s complete denial of what’s going on in her community, but I was still here for it. She’s on a new path, as well, back with the house she disbanded, but not as the mother….yet. I’m curious to see how that will play out and who her new benefactor is.

It might be a loaded question for you because you’ve seen four episodes, but how do you think she’s getting her new lavish clothes? Is she back with Christopher Meloni? And we haven’t even mentioned the lack of Evan Peters! I’m guessing that story is dead because it was certainly DOA for me last season. What about you? And speaking of new beginnings, can we talk about Papi (Angel Bismark Curiel)’s glowup this episode? Dude was looking foine.

JOE

Regarding the lack of Peters, Kate Mara and James Van Der Beek, I can’t say that I miss them AT ALL. I enjoy all three actors, but the further we got into S1, the more it became clear that that story line had run its course and Murphy & Co.’s need to sprinkle a few recognizable white faces in a (mostly unknown) POC cast was no longer necessary. Plus: I don’t need any additional reminders of Trump when I’m already under constant assault just by virtue of being on Twitter and reading the news.

As for Elektra, I’ll tackle the question of her finances first because the answer is brief: the mystery is a recurring element of the first two episodes, so unfortunately you’ll still be wondering about this after next week’s episode. I’ll say no more, though; I don’t want to spoil the surprise!

I’m curious how you feel about the character overall? I love her for the catiness and Dominique Jackson’s inspired line delivery, but I sometimes worry that Elektra is a bit of a crutch for the writers because it is so easy to move her between Houses. Arguably my least favourite element of the premiere was her abrupt decision to leave Evangelista simply because Blanca kept pressing her. Obviously it’s good to have a character who can play the foil and Elektra makes for good drama while simultaneously guaranteeing that it will never become easy for Evangelista to sweep all of the Categories at the ball. The ping ponging, however, is mildly disconcerting.

Now, regarding the men: I will 100% acknowledge that Papi benefitted from some cosmetic treatment in between seasons, but I can’t claim he’s my main source of eye candy. Since I’m a gay stereotype with body dysmorphia, my thirst trap on the show is inevitably Ricky (Dyllon Burnside) and his magnificent chest/shoulders/biceps/eyes/hair. You can only imagine how I felt when the episode ended and he didn’t even appear! (Reader, I died…)

Speaking of boys, Terry, I’ll kick it back to you: are you happy with the additional screen time given to Pray Tell (seemingly at the expense of Ryan Jamaal Swain’s Damon)? Were you excited to see noted RL lesbian Sandra Bernhard return as Pray Tell’s sparring partner, nurse Judy? And I’m curious about your thoughts on House Ferocity because I affectionately think of Lulu (Hailie Sahar) and, more specifically, Candy (Angelica Ross) fulfilling the role of hilarious dim-witted “ugly stepsisters from Cinderella” on the show. Agree or disagree?

TERRY

Oh trust. Ricky is still my favorite eye candy of the boys and I was likewise bummed he didn’t show up this episode. But when Papi was photographing Angel, I was like, wait a minute who dis?

Elektra attacks her line deliveries like she’s a machine gun and I love that I’m surprised that there’s a set left after she’s done chewing the scenery each time she’s on. But yes her ping-ponging feels completely out of a character who likes to be in charge. I am also afraid that since she and Pray Tell are fan favorites their witty barbs will be leaned on too much. Likewise Bernhard, who I enjoy. Between Nurse Judy, Pray Tell and Elektra, there’s almost too much pithy cattiness. Their quips are fantastic but I don’t want to see this fall into parody like so many Murphy productions.

House Ferocity’s plunge into a joke house works for me and right now I definitely am into Candy’s constant denial that she can win every category. Cinderella’s ugly step sisters is a perfect way to describe them.

But I think that brings our discussion to an end this week. I’m hopeful this season will continue to be as excellent as the first. And I’m looking forward to our discussions!

Next week: “Worth It” introduces none other than Patti LuPone as we jump to Gayly Dreadful for episode two!

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E22 – “It’s So Cold. Cold And Dead”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

S01E022: “The Pirate’s Promise”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Ryan (John D. LeMay) and Micki (Louise Robey) visit a small seaside town which is haunted by the ghost of a murderous, long-dead pirate

  • Director: Bill Corcoran wound up directing a number of episodes of 21 Jump Street and Wiseguy
  • Writer: Carl Binder writes the first of many Friday episodes
  • Famous Guest Star: Like several others, Cedric Smith is well known for his role on Avonlea

The foghorn of doom

Cursed Antique of the Week: A foghorn that summons the murderous spirit of a pirate that trades his treasure for the lives of the descendants of his mutinous crew

Setting: Whaler’s Point, a town founded by pirates who became whalers

Best Death: None of them are particularly exciting, so I guess we’ll go with Fenton (Smith)’s hook to the chest

Quirkiest Add-On: Fenton and Dewey (Thomas Hauff) are revealed to be secret brothers, which is some straight up soap opera shit

Character Bits: This is the first Jack (Chris Wiggins)-free episode since “Scarecrow”

Corny Finish Line: There is no spoken dialogue; just the sound of the foghorn laid out over the image of a full pirate ship on a sea of fog, which is pretty on-the-nose

80s Fashion Closet: Ryan wears a thematically appropriate anchor sweater that is actually kind of fashionable. Less fashionable: Micki’s giant hoop earrings and corset at the end of the episode

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Do you think that when the cousins make their way upstairs at episode’s end, they’re going to…Oh never mind

Angus McBride looks ok

What Works…

Ugh – nothing. This episode is a total snore. I mean, at least neither Micki or Ryan winds up being the missing ancestor so we don’t have to deal with them being in any real danger.

Ok, and Angus McBride’s make-up/mask is kinda fun, albeit in a very “dollar store Halloween” kinda way.

Maximum fodder, limited interest

What Doesn’t Work…

If the last episode used all of the collective tropes to deliver one of the series’ best instalments, then this one exemplifies all of its weaknesses. There’s simply nothing interesting happening here. The villain is identified at the very start, a bunch of randoms we have no interest or investment in are murdered and the explanation for what is happening is evident from very early on (and then frequently repeated ad nauseum). This means that the majority of the episode is spent simply watching Ryan and Micki (and to a lesser extent Dewey) stumble their way through a dull, predictable investigation. We’re talking lots of books. Like lots and lots and LOTS of books.

It doesn’t help that there is no way not to compare this episode to the film that so clearly inspired it: John Carpenter’s The Fog. And while that film has its own share of narrative issues, it at least has a great score, great special effects and a host of engaging actors to prop it up (Adrienne Barbeau’s radio DJ is too sultry for words). In comparison, this episode has a bunch of white dudes and a really fake looking cave for Ryan to stumble into.

Oopsie!

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • The number of people who are casually murdered on a date in this show should inspire any single person to remain celibate for the rest of their lives
  • Dewey says Whaler’s Point is “…just a little town up the coast” to which Micki replies: “Well that doesn’t sound too far.” Huh? It could be ANYWHERE with that description!
  • When Micki fails to distract Fenton while Ryan investigates the lighthouse for the foghorn, Ryan naturally winds up hanging off the ledge as Fenton wanders around above him. This makes no sense because Fenton would FOR SURE see Ryan’s fingertips
  • The middle section of the episode really drags, save from Barney (Bernard Behrens) getting an axe to the back of the head, which is expected but still kind of cool
  • Micki kicking the door to the lighthouse in frustration is surprisingly enjoyable
  • Of all of the items that Fenton could attack someone with, he chooses a sword?
  • As expected, Dewey gets the sharp end of the pointy sword…although it sticks out of his back at a much lower angle than I would have expected. Did Fenton stab him in the groin?
  • Why does the ghost of McBride attack Ryan in the caves? This is never really explained
  • Micki delivers yet more exposition to Ryan about Fenton’s use of the foghorn to summon McBride. No shit, WE ALREADY KNOW THIS
  • “I already killed 12 people!” Lol. This line by Fenton shouldn’t have made me laugh, but it’s delivered so indignantly. Like, how many more people must he murder before he gets his bounty!
  • Oh shocker, Fenton is the final descendant. Snooooooze
  • The bit where McBride summons Fenton to him and impales him with a hook is satisfying, but bloodless. Why are some episodes so light on FX when others are a goldmine?
  • Why is Micki so distraught by Dewey’s death? I don’t get it. Just because he cared about Barney and saved her life? This is true of half of the episodes for crying out loud
  • Oh my god, even in the coda we’re still delivering exposition about why Fenton was killed. Ugh this episode draaaags

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode 23: “Badge of Honor”