Queer.Horror.Movies

The curated portfolio of film journalist Joe Lipsett

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E18 – “I Don’t Want To Be Stupid Anymore!”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

S01E018: “Brain Drain”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: A mentally impaired man (Denis Forest) uses a cursed trephanator to steal brain-power from smart people, and his next target is Jack (Chris Wiggins)’ bride-to-be, Dr. Viola Rhodes (Carrie Snodgress).

  • Director: “Tales of the Undead” and “Tattoo” director Lyndon Chubbuck returns for his final Friday episode
  • Writer: “Shadow Boxer” writer Josh Miller returns for his second (and last) Friday script
  • Famous Guest Star: Denis Forest, who played Eddie in “Cupid’s Quiver“, returns for another villainous turn

The trephanator in all of its glory

Cursed Antique of the Week: A trephanator that takes the intelligence from one person who dies and gives it to another

Setting: The Museum of Science and History

Best Death: Pangborn’s (presumed) death by trephanator may be on the nose, but it feels just right

Quirkiest Add-On: The basement of the museum is filled with all kinds of odd objects, but an extended close-up on the skull of an animal is my favourite funny little bit

Character Bits: Jack and Viola were engaged to be married twenty years ago. When they reconnect, they snog and get engaged a second time!

Corny Finish Line: No jokes, just heartfelt sentiment as Jack loses the love of his life a second time

80s Fashion Closet: Nothing too distinctly memorable, although Micki (Louise Robey)’s giant black trench coat which appears to be about five times too big seems very much of the time

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: The banter when Ryan (John D. LeMay) and Micki are nearly discovered by Pangborn in the museum’s basement contains just the right amount of quippy repartee. Ryan asks Micki who her boyfriend in the crate is (it’s a skeleton) and her disgusted face at his suggestion is hilarious

Denis Forest delivers another imposing villain turn

What Works…

At times Friday The 13th feels like a yo-yo: one episode it’s down and the next it’s up. Thankfully the cleverly titled “Brain Drain” is a winner, in part due to another creepy turn by bad guy Denis Forest. While Pangborn doesn’t have the same malice as Eddie from episode 1×03, he’s still quietly threatening as a man desperate for intelligence. What really works for me about Forest’s performance are the subtle mannerisms that he adopts each time he consumes another person’s intelligence, especially when he dons glasses and an accent after he murders Dr. Verner (Brian Paul).

Not unlike “Root Of All Evil” the main reason that this episode works so well, however, is that it directly affects a core cast member’s story arc. Similar to how “Root Of All Evil” addressed Micki’s frustration at being caught between Curious Goods and her relationship with Lloyd, here Jack is confronted with a life changing opportunity to reconcile with his ex-fiancé, Viola. The fact that his romance runs even more directly afoul of the case of the week helps to dramatically increase the stakes when Viola’s life is put at risk by her work with Pangborn.

Even more surprising is the episode’s grim conclusion when Viola actually dies. Not unlike recent series best episode, “Vanity’s Mirror“, the decision here by screenwriter Miller to go dark and actually murder Jack’s fiancé is hardcore. I was certain that Jack would find a way to revert the process (something he even mentions, but ultimately elects not to pursue). It’s legitimately shocking when the episode ends with a grief-stricken Jack staring down the obituary card for Viola. Hats off to Friday The 13th for not playing it safe with this ending.

Carrie Snodgress is miscast as Viola

What Doesn’t Work…

Although I will give credit for Miller’s script decisions, at times his dialogue is more than a little tin-eared. This is particularly true when it comes to the romantic conversations between Jack and Viola. Part of it is uncomfortable word choices and part of it is Snodgress’ delivery. As much as I like the idea of Jack having a fiancé, I think Snodgress is miscast. She’s far from convincing and even seems uncomfortable in front of the camera at times (is it extremely bitchy to say that she’s most convincing after her brain has been sucked out? LOL)

Also: it’s a minor critique, but this is the second time in two episodes where people gets powers from a chair that kills. See yesterday’s complaint about the series reusing the same ideas so early in its run.

Viola is that you?

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Just like the last episode, we hardly know anything about Pangborn’s victims, but at least they have distinct personalities. Take Dr. Vincent Robeson (François Klanfer): he must deliver a big exposition dump to introduce the trephanator and the artificial brain, but he’s such a douchebag when he’s chatting with his colleague that you actively root for his death!
  • In case you were wondering the trephanator is a based on a real device and school of thought, though it is not typically used in such a magical way
  • The imagery and sound design when the trephanator is activated is quite good. Fangborn’s need to really crank the lever to activate the device gives it weight and the impact of the needle jabbing into victims’ necks is suitably jarring. Add in some gross suction sounds as the green liquid courses through tubes and the entire procedure becomes an appropriately horrifying fate
  • Aside from the exposition dump and the awkward romantic dialogue, the entire first act cruises along nicely without many hiccups
  • Does Ryan think that people get holes in their neck if they fall down the stairs? When Micki raises the puncture mark she saw on Dr. Verner’s neck after his fall at the museum, Ryan suggests the hole is from the fall, which…makes no sense
  • This exchange — right before Jack goes on his date with Viola — cracked me up. Why bother offering?!

Micki: “Do you want some help with your tie?”

Jack: “Isn’t it alright?”

Micki: “Mmhmm”

  • Did we know that Jack was married before? Did I just repress that?
  • More hilarious line readings: Why does Chris Wiggins pronounce Kenya like KIN-YA?
  • Also: why does Louise Robey adopt a UK accent when she’s talking to Ryan at one point?
  • If you’re keeping score at home, Micki and Jack have both gotten lucky now. Ryan alone remains the perennial virgin
  • Micki and Ryan claim that they waited up all night solely to ensure that Jack was alright. I call bullshit on these two; they’re gossip-y hens waiting for a debrief about his date
  • The distance between Pangborn and Viola’s timeline for teaching the brain linguistics is hilariously incompatible
  • My favourite campy scene from the episode occurs when Micki and Ryan investigate the museum and wind up hiding from Pangborn: they are identically dressed in leather jackets like the most uber-fashionable cat burglars imaginable
  • Two questions from this section:
    1. Why does it go on for soooo damn long?
    2. How does Micki get trapped in that crate?
  • Jack and Viola’s re-engagement happens so quickly that I half expected them to get married in the very next scene
  • Another hilarious dialogue exchange: Jack: “Viola and I are engaged.” Micki (without pause): “Jack, Viola’s in danger!” LOL. I get that time is of the essence, but you’re not even going to offer a congratulation?!
  • When they’re searching for Pangborn, Ryan laments that “he could be anywhere”. So where does Pangborn wind up being? Exactly where he’s been the entire rest of the episode
  • The moment that brain-sucked Viola stumbles into Pangborn immediately before he shoots Jack reminds me of the scene from The Faculty when Famke Janssen’s headless body is stumbling around the parking lot. It looks somewhere between “drunken” and “accidental”
  • I was genuinely surprised when Jack doesn’t try to reverse the procedure. I was also similarly surprised when the brain in the glass jar doesn’t appear in Curious Goods (or something equally ridiculous) at episode’s end
  • Finally, I get that Micki is trying to comfort Jack when she encourages him to focus on his time with Viola, but since it was approximately 48 hours, that’s not really a great suggestion…

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode nineteen: “The Quilt of Hathor” which is the first part of a two-parter! Dum dum dum!

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E017 – “You Give Me The Juice I Need To Go On”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

S01E017: “The Electrocutioner”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Eli Pittman (Angelo Rizacos), an innocent survivor of an electric chair uses the chair’s magic powers to get revenge on those who put him in t

  • Director & Writer: “Root Of All Evil” writer Rob Hedden returns to both write and direct
  • Famous Guest Star: Rizacos makes his first of three guest appearances on the show

Electric chair in B/W

Cursed Antique of the Week: An electric chair that transfers electrical charges to its owner in exchange for bodies

Setting: Haverstock Reform School

Best Death: The dental chair deaths of the orphan kids are the most visually impressive, what with the black and white faces of death and the disappearing bodies

Quirkiest Add-On: Jack (Chris Wiggins) uses a needle and the charge off of the electric chair to create a compass to track Pittman in one of the show’s best science lessons yet

Character Bits: Micki (Louise Robey) once again expresses concern that a killer may get away unpunished, which is one of her recurring character traits

Corny Finish Line: “Kinda gives me a tingling feeling” Micki laughs as the static electricity from Ryan (John D. LeMay)’s lightning lamp makes her hair stand up straight

80s Fashion Closet: As always I could rest on my laurels with Micki’s hair, which is still in bouffant/bang mode, but it’s so much more fun to comment on the punk rock styling of teenage victim Melissa (Jennifer Cornish) who looks like she has stepped right out of A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: They wind up in a few harrowing situations together, but there’s a lack of sparks (ha!) between the cousins

The episode’s best setpiece

What Works…

The sequence when Micki and Ryan see Pittman kill Judge Avery and have to hide from him in the car while he repeatedly sends electrical current through the hood ornament is easily the episode’s best. It’s well directed, tense setpiece that combines science and showbiz magic in equal measure.

Outside of this, however, it is a bit more sparse. I’m not sure that I love Hedden’s handheld camerawork during Pittman’s black and white flashbacks, though it does help these sequences to stand out against the episode’s more traditional elements. The fact that these flashbacks are actually false memories, complete with Carrie-esque laughter by Pittman’s executioners, is an intriguing attempt by Hedden to visually capture Pittman’s state of mind as he carries out his murders. It’s a small touch, but effective.

It sounds a little odd, but the other piece of this otherwise mundane episode that stands out is the science. No, an electric chair cannot be disguised as a dentist chair and used to make orphan teenagers disappear in puffs of smoke, but the aforementioned car scene when Micki and Ryan, the homemade compass bit and the use of rubber gloves to ground Pittman’s electrical charge makes it apparent Hedden did at least some research in preparation for his directorial debut.

Ummm…this scene is problematic

What Doesn’t Work…

Friday The 13th loves a good revenge episode, but in this case it just falls flat. Pittman starts out as a sympathetic character, but following  the ten year time jump he’s already a full-on killer. The fact that this “innocent” man is murdering orphan teenagers, as well as his kindly boss, is pretty despicable. It also immediately eliminates any sympathy the audience may have harboured for his quest for vengeance.

It’s evident that the sole creative reason Pittman’s innocence is even included in the narrative is to explain why he was released from prison. The series has never satisfyingly explained why cursed objects turn reasonable, law-abiding citizens into killers and while most of the time I’m willing to overlook it, here it grates on me because Hedden’s script repeatedly brings up his innocence as though it somehow excuses his behaviour.

Another reason this particular storyline stands out more than in other episodes is because there’s so little else that is innovative or interesting to distract from it. The men that Pittman wants revenge on are all unknown to us, so it doesn’t matter if they’re killed. Even Frank Adamson‘s Warden Hobbs doesn’t have much character, despite multiple scenes with the Curious Goods crew. Between Pittman’s confused portrayal and the pile of anonymous bodies he leaves in his wake, “The Electrocutioner” feels long, drawn out and, sadly, not very exciting.

This is one of my favourite FT13 visuals EVER

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • The special effects in this episode are confusing. There’s nothing in the initial scene when Pittman is zapped (aside from the soundtrack), but then there’s a cacophony of effects in other scenes, including superimposed black and white skulls on the teen victims, smoke, red lights when Pittman collects their energy, and then blue lightning bolts when he uses his powers. It’s very inconsistent
  • Warden Hobb’s refusal to put Pittman back in the chair because “You can’t execute a man twice” sounds like some Double Jeopardy BS
  • My favourite line comes from Melissa, who comments (admittedly while high on dental gas) that dentistry is a “semi-groovy job”? What teen would honestly say that?!
  • There’s some initial discomfort when Pittman uses the electric chair on a black teen girl after reminding her that as an orphan, no one cares if she lives or dies. Considering this actress is not even given a line of dialogue, this scene comes off feeling icky and more than a little problematic
  • I will confess that I kind of love the idea that someone could disguise an electric chair as a dental chair. It’s completely ridiculous
  • Pittman sure does love to stretch out his murderous encounters. He always spends enough time with his victims to ensure they know who he is and let them recoil or demand that he leave because he zaps them
  • The most memorable visual in this entire episode is the dummy head that Pittman has on his desk. It’s terrifying
  • Another amazing Melissa moment occurs when she learns she can skip history class for a dental exam and she gets excited! “So history class is history” she exclaims. Who is this odd unicorn?!
  • The episode’s biggest groaner line occurs when Pittman’s boss, Mr Downing (Ron Hartmann) enquires of Melissa: “If you see her, would you give me a buzz?” Nyuk nyuk nyuk
  • I wish that Pittman’s torture of Downing with the dental tools was better executed. It’s obvious that there was no budget or capacity to actually make it look like there was tooth trauma, so it just looks silly to keep cutting away
  • That long sequence when Jack and Micki track Pittman in the basement using the home made compass starts off feeling really compelling, but quickly feels like padding for the episode runtime when it amounts to nothing
  • There was something inappropriately funny about Jack, Micki and Ryan trying to get to the Hobbs’ home in time for a 6pm dinner. 24 this ain’t
  • The use of a storm that knocks out the phones is reminiscent of “Bedazzled” which used the same narrative crutch, but in a more satisfying way. Here it just feels cheap
  • I love how Mrs. Hobbs (Marcia Bennett) apologizes to Pittman for calling him old when he tries to impersonate Ryan. It’s a funny, authentic touch in Hedden’s script
  • Probably shouldn’t have expected anything different, but when Pittman turns into a fried skeleton in the climax, I definitely groaned. The whole plot about how and why he escaped death ten years before is completely nonsensical, but wouldn’t it have made as much sense to simply have him lose his powers and go back to jail to pay for his real crimes this time. Friday The 13th loooooves to kill its villains
  • While it’s evident that Ryan’s lightning lamp is only included in the episode to connect visually to the case of the week, it’s still fun to end on a humourous note with Micki’s hair standing straight up from the static electricity

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode eighteen: “Brain Drain”

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E016 – “This Is Chinatown”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

S01E016: “Tattoo”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Tommy Chen (Leonard Chow), a compulsive gambler in Chinatown, acquires tattoo needles that enable him to win big as long as someone else loses their life.

  • Director: “Tales Of The Undead” director Lyndon Chubbuck returns for his second episode
  • Writer: Stephen Katz, the writer of Cupid’s Quiver“” (aka the Atom Egoyan episode) returns for his second Friday episode, along with newcomer Dan DiStefano (he would go on to write for The Karate Kid TV series)
  • Famous Guest Star: Keye Luke, the actor who plays Grandfather Chen, plays Mr. Wing in the Gremlins sequel

The animated tattoo

Cursed Antique of the Week: A set of Chinese tattoo needles whose tattoos come to life and kill to give the tattooist good luck

Setting: The opium dens and gambling halls of Chinatown

Best Death: Tommy’s acquaintance is about to hit Ryan (John D. LeMay) when a monster arm punches through his chest Alien-style and chokes him to death. It’s nonsensical, but fun

Quirkiest Add-On: You can clearly see the Toronto streetcar in the background of a street scene. Scarily they haven’t changed since ’87!

Character Bits: Lewis Vendredi is revealed to be a terrible “deal with the devil” antiques vendor considering the box of tattoos literally reads “Great evil” on the outside

Corny Finish Line: “No, I’m not a healer. But I’ve always been very interested in the art.” Jack (Chris Wiggins) is truly a student of the world, isn’t he?

80s Fashion Closet: It’s clearly late fall or early winter when they shot this episode and there are plenty of exterior scenes, so most everyone is wearing trench coats. Still, Micki (Louise Robey)’s hair now has bangs, which is…something. The best look, however, has to be the cocktail waitress in the opening scene, whose wig looks straight out of BladeRunner

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Nada. I’m starting to get fidgety!

The Chen family dynamic works well

What Works…

After “Vanity’s Mirror” delivered a series best, it’s only natural that “Tattoo” would feel like a lesser episode. And yet, it acquits itself decently with an intriguing story that leans into the relationship of Chinese families. Tommy may be a self-destructive narcissist, but his Grandfather’s willingness to protect him out of tradition is an unique family dynamic that we haven’t seen on the series before. The Chen family focus, however, means that “Tattoo” dedicates less screen time for the Curious Goods team, so audience mileage may vary based on how invested they are in these one-off characters.

Also: the animated tattoos that turn into (mostly) creepy crawlies are kind of a cool twist on what could have been a rote cursed object of the week. You can definitely see the residual influence of “Tales Of The Undead” here.

The opium den is BEYOND offensive

What Doesn’t Work…

An 80s episode set in Chinatown raised some immediate red flags as the representation of minorities by white writers on genre television is fraught with tension (looking at you, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues). Although the family conflicts within the Chen family are handled delicately, there are a lot of other offensive stereotypes at play in “Tattoo.” The worst offender is the inclusion of a fucking opium den and a Chinese character who — naturally — uses kung fu when he fights Ryan. The resulting cultural depiction of Chinese characters is…not great at best and downright offensive at worst.

Besides the problematic depiction of the Chinese community, the cursed object — the tattoo needles — are also quite bland. I gave credit to the animated tattoos in the pro column above, but expanding beyond this episode, we’ve already seen several iterations (some bad, some good) of a cursed object that is exchanges murder for profit. It’s a tad disconcerting that Friday The 13th is already recycling variations of the same narrative so early in its run.

Alien FTW!

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Whoa – check out the hair on “Lady Luck” at the table in the opening scene
  • Considering how integral gambling is to this episode, it would have been interesting to spend a little more time on the actual game that’s being played since it’s not poker or craps like usual
  • Tommy borrowed money from Frankie Chow (Harvey Chow) at double the interest a week? Yikes – this kid really was desperate
  • I’ll confess that I’ve never understood how loan sharks profit from hurting people. Frankie gives Tommy “a short week – 24 hours” to get all of his money back to him which is clearly not going to pan out (at least not without magic!). I’m unsure how Frankie would ever get his $$$ back on this deadline; it’s not as though Tommy has collateral or a plan to come up with the funds
  • The location scout who sold the production team on this factory-like “basement” where all of the murders are committed should be scolded. There is absolutely no way that this space exists underneath a Chinatown club. The reality is that that place would be the size of a small den
  • The woman who is killed with the white wig gives me all kinds of Big Trouble in Little China vibes, which also feels kinda racist
  • I’m unsure about the moment when Tommy and his Grandfather have their first fight and Tommy punches him. That seems like a very extreme reaction that would have been better saved for later on (ie: when Tommy breaks the family bowls right before the climax)
  • “I need those needles. Those needles are my life!” may be the funniest line of dialogue in this episode
  • That opium den scene? Just ugh
  • I just can’t when Micki complains about the basket of crabs that Ryan traded for information. C’mon Micki, that basket would have been hella expensive and those crabs look delicious
  • I appreciated the fact that it is revealed that you don’t need “skill” to operate the tattoo needles (just “magic”) because the resulting designs look very intricate and professional
  • It’s pretty evident from the moment that Tommy’s sister, Linda (Mung-Ling Tsui) tells Micki where Tommy gambles that she’s going to wind up on the chopping block. I suppose it’s better than Micki being the one in danger like always
  • The moment where Ryan discovers the first woman’s body stuffed in the basement and Tommy’s friend attacks him did not work for me. Unless he didn’t actually see the body, it makes no sense for this guy to automatically begin fighting
  • Frankie tells the Curious Goods crew “What brings you to a part of town where you’re not wanted?” and later “We have our own customs, our own ways”. This is another uncomfortable depiction of casual racism because it infers that white people are automatically considered outsiders by Chinese people
  • Also: I didn’t know whether to groan or clap when the crew use fucking fireworks to open the locked door
  • The “very high risk” game turns out to be Russian Roulette, which doesn’t exactly fit with the cultural specificity of the episode. Also: how would Frankie profit off this game (aside from being able to provide a really dumb person to play)? The game is 50/50 luck, so those are pretty bad odds
  • Does Grandfather Chen give Jack a healing blowgun? I’m confused
  • I enjoy that Micki’s entire contribution in the finale involves shouting Tommy’s name before he inadvertently blows his own brains out. I suppose it’s still more than Ryan does

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode seventeen: “The Electrocutioner”, which is going to break my autocorrect

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E15 – “The Only Way To Take You To Prom Is On A Leash!”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

S01E015: “Vanity’s Mirror”

Wikipedia Plot Summary:An unattractive girl (Ingrid Veninger) uses a magic compact to make boys who insult her fall in love with her, then kills them to make them stop pestering her. (Sidebar: This description is hilariously on point)

  • Director: Thank god William Fruet (“The Inheritance“, “Scarecrow“) is back
  • Writer: This is the only credit for Ira Levant (story), while Roy Sallows kicks off the first of many Friday teleplays
  • Famous Guest Star: Veninger would go on to become a successful Canadian producer and writer

Cursed Antique of the Week: A gold compact that makes men fall in love with the owner

Setting: Lincoln High School

Best Death: While Greg (Zack Ward)’s trash compactor death is great in theory, the execution is sadly quite bloodless. That leaves Russel (Simon Reynolds)’s death by bandsaw — complete with a massive vertical spray of blood on the wall next to startled Helen — the next best option

Quirkiest Add-On: There’s a trash compactor on the roof of the school because, of course…

Character Bits: Jack (Chris Wiggins) carries a Swiss Army knife, which is super handy when he needs to cut down teenagers hanged in their bedrooms

Corny Finish Line: Considering the bleak outcome and the open ending, there is definitely no corny finish

80s Fashion Closet: OMG this episode is set at a high school during prom season, so there’s no shortage of crazy options to pick from. Obviously Helen’s monstrous teale taffeta dress and accompanying giant bow is AMAZING, but once again, I’ve got to go with a Micki (Louise Robey) selection: her collection of outrageous hats, including a huge (potentially felt?) beret is amazing

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Micki seems far more concerned about Ryan (John D. LeMay) than Jack is, but that’s understandable given the way that she and Jack divide up their search

Teen murderess Helen pulls off some hardcore kills

What Works…

Maybe it’s the red wine talking, but this episode kicked all kinds of ass! What begins as another tired cursed antique that gives the owner power over members of the opposite sex (which <sigh> is so boringly heteronormative) turns out to be something much darker and more depraved.

Credit Ingrid Veninger for her memorably unhinged, unflinching performance as Helen. Her glee at dispatching the high school bullies who mock her is matched only by her insatiable appetite for her sister Joanne (Gwendoline Pacey)’s hot boyfriend Scott (David Orth, in the first of three different appearances on the series). Initially it seems as though Helen is just another one-dimensional villain, but the unabashed relish she takes in murder (or near murder in the case of Joanne) is unparalleled on the series. She is hardcore and it’s a lot of fun to watch.

“Vanity’s Mirror” also strikes a really interesting balance between its horror and its (likely unintentional) comedy. Watching Ryan try to dodge the light from the vanity using his bag is, if we’re being honest, totally fucking hilarious. As are the scenes where rats crawl over his unconscious body when he falls from the railing. These oddball moments are juxtaposed by really, really dark moments of violence, including the scene when Joanne is strung up in her bedroom, or the shocking force of impact of the opening murder when a businessman is killed by a fire escape ladder. This violence is MUCH darker than most of the other episodes we’ve seen, which tend to pull back or mute the intensity of the murders.

I wonder to what extent director William Fruet had? It’s becoming increasingly clear that his episodes are among the best of the series, to the point that when I see his name in the credits, my expectations immediately increase. Here, once again, the direction, particularly of the action sequences, is much more visually dynamic and clear (sometimes the low production budget is evident in what the show does and does not show).

Throw in the fact that the Curious Goods crew are unable to save the lives of teenagers or recover the cursed object for the first time, and “Vanity’s Mirror” is a milestone episode.

Poor Joanne just wanted to go to prom!

What Doesn’t Work…

Honestly, between the craziness, the insane fashion and the super dark ending, this episode pretty much worked on every level for me. It’s one of the series’ best!

Scott and Helen take a final fatal plunge in the episode’s grim conclusion

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • The episode opens with yet another nighttime flower vendor. This is NOT A THING, Friday The 13th!
  • The businessman explains that he used to think Sylvia the flower vendor was “ugly”. Because she wears earmuffs over a hat and a few stray strands of hair are peeking out? I mean, sure, those teeth are a nightmare, but that hardly makes you ugly, right UK peeps?
  • The sound effect of the ladder hitting his face? A+
  • The first sign that this episode is unique is how it subverts expectations. I expected the businessman to be hit by a car because he’s standing in the street when Sylvia flashes him with the light. Instead it is she who is killed by a vehicle after she runs away from the murder scene in the alley
  • Is Helen meant to be ugly because she has acne?
  • In case you were wondering how the Curious Goods crew is faring on their cursed object hunt, we learn that they have recovered 23 objects (10% of the total). This means that they’re collecting 1.5 objects per episode (23 objects in 15 episodes) so it will take them 153 episodes to recover them all. Unfortunately Friday The 13th only runs for 67 episodes, so *spoiler* they’re not going to make it!
  • Those 80s insults, though. The bullies suggest Helen is from “the shallow end of the gene pool” while Scott explains she comes as “part of the package” if he wants to date Joanne. Greg also implies Helen is a dog when he comments that he would take her to prom on a leash. Way harsh, Tai
  • I probably wasn’t listening closely, but I didn’t realize Helen and Joanne were sisters until waaaay later in the episode
  • There’s something exceptionally grim about the way Helen dispatches Greg in the rooftop (?) trash compactor, but this death is too bloodless. It needs some gore
  • Micki’s efforts to recover the vanity at Helen’s place is exceptionally misguided. She comes on way too strong right off the bat! I would have slammed the door in her face, too
  • Can we talk about Russel’s frizzy-haired ponytail? Because wow…that is something
  • The death by bandsaw moves this episode from “good” to “great” in the space of a single blood splatter. That is some full-on slasher shit there and I am here for it
  • Ryan dodging those rays and yelling at Helen to stop it may be the funniest sequence of the series thus far. It’s highly amusing watching a high school teen threaten him to near death with a beam of light!
  • Also: the rat wrangler needed to do a lot more to make those rats look threatening. One appeared to be whispering into his ear “where’s the cheese?”

Helen’s look in “Vanity’s Mirror” as the inspiration for Josie Grossie’s prom look in Never Been Kissed

  • Ok, I’m all in on Helen’s prom dress: multiple levels, a matching head bow, a purple rhinestone belt, some pearls and a side ponytail. Holy hell. Now I know where Drew Barrymore’s Josie Grossie flashback prom look from Never Been Kissed comes from
  • Also: WTF is with Micki’s felt beret? That thing must be at least two stories tall
  • The moment when Helen finally turns the vanity on Scott and he roughs Joanne up (pushing her aggressively against the wall, punching her and hanging her in her room!) is shocking. Perhaps it is just because they’re teens, or because she has no idea it’s coming, but what happens to Joanne is genuinely upsetting. These events really reinforce the severity of the violence in this episode. It’s no joke
  • After Micki rescues him from the rats, Ryan screams at Helen from across the gymnasium, which is not exactly what you would call subtle
  • Did anyone notice that Helen’s dress is undone in the back? Is this a mistake by the costume department, or a reflection of the fact that Helen has no one in her life to perform simple tasks, like zipping her up?
  • The scenes of Helen and Scott dancing on the ledge of the roof is a smart second use of an existing set. That American flag isn’t fooling anyone, though. This show is as Canadian as they come
  • The moment Scott and Helen both go over the edge in slow motion is another genuine surprise because it never occurred to me that they might actually die. It’s so dark and so grim. This is the first time our heroes have failed to save an innocent bystander (and it’s a teenager, to boot)
  • Micki freaks out because they do not recover the mirror, which is yet another subverted expectation because they always find the cursed object. Instead the episode ends on an open-ended cliffhanger as a random hand reaches into frame to grab the compact as the credits roll. Does this mean we’ll see the vanity mirror in a future episode? Stay tuned!

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode sixteen: “Tattoo”

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E14 – “You’re No Phone Men”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

S01E014: “Bedazzled”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: After Jack (Chris Wiggins) and Ryan (John D. LeMay) recover a cursed lantern, the owner — Jonah (Alan Jordan) — tries to get it back by terrorizing Micki (Louise Robey) and her young guest, Richie (Gavin Magrath) at Curious Goods.

  • Director: Alexander Singer, who eventually becomes a major Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine contributor
  • Writer: Both Alfred Sole and Paul Monette are back for their second episode after “Tales Of The Undead “
  • Famous Guest Star: Strangely enough the second fiddle villain, Tom, is played by Prom Night‘s David Mucci

The magic, multi-purpose lantern

Cursed Antique of the Week: A lantern that causes people to spontaneously burst into flame…or it finds buried treasure…or both. It’s kinda unclear

Setting: Curious Goods gets top billing this episode

Best Death: Tie!

  1. One main goes up like a bonfire when he is immolated by the lantern in the first scene
  2. Officer Kennedy (Ratch Wallace) is brutally impaled with a stake from behind

Quirkiest Add-On: Great gory sound effects when Jonah removes the spear from Officer Kennedy’s chest. It sounds wet

Character Bits: Jack mentions a “monsoon in Singapore”, which supports our knowledge that he’s well-traveled

Corny Finish Line: “Kids” Micki mouths after her friend Jenny reveals to Jack and Ryan that she and Richie had anything BUT a nice quiet night at the store

80s Fashion Closet: The high waisted skirt and 3/4 length teale leggings SCREAM 80s to me

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Again, virtually nothing — though this is mainly because the cousins spend the majority of the episode apart

Micki is thankfully allowed to be much more than a damsel in distress

What Works…

Credit Friday The 13th for attempting something different (that isn’t a black & white time travelling vampire narrative). While home invasion films weren’t out of the ordinary in the late 80s, the decision to sideline two-thirds of the main cast and do a single location episode is unique for the show. Even if “Bedazzled”s premise doesn’t have quite enough juice to sustain an entire episode, it’s worth applauding the decision to take this risk.

Considering the ill-will that the series showed Louise Robey in the last episode, it’s nice to see her more or less get her own starring vehicle here. Robey absolutely nails her Final Girl role, too; the end of the episode is essentially one long fight scene between her and Jonah and Micki kicks some serious butt. Watching Micki use her brain and her brawn is incredibly satisfying, particularly after so many episodes that position her as little more than a damsel in distress. Hell, even the fight choreography is good!

Overall, what makes “Bedazzled” stand out is its willingness to experiment with a different narrative structure than the rest of the series. Starting things aboard the ship in media res immediately plunges us into the action and the rest of the episode naturally stems from there. It’s contained and sequential and it works.

Who ordered child endangerment?

What Doesn’t Work…

Admittedly the cursed object is less of a narrative driver than an inciting incident to get Jonah and Tom to Curious Goods. So that’s a bit of a cheat.

The inclusion of a random child is also frustrating. This isn’t the first time that Friday The 13th has introduced a character without any pretext (it occurred most notably with Birdie in “A Cup Of Time“) and it doesn’t feel any less jarring here. It’s hard to muster concern for the pudgy little brat when we’ve only just met him and while Richie acquits himself okay (he’s basically performing one of two roles: hog-tied in the basement or Home Alone-ing with Micki), his inclusion still feels like a bit of a desperate ploy by writers Sole and Monette to up the stakes by putting a child in danger.

Crispy Jonah

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • I definitely confused Jordan for William Mapother at first, so imagine my disappointment when I realized Tom Cruise’s cousin wasn’t the baddie
  • The in media res action sequence really adds great energy to kick off the episode. It’s a solid creative choice that I hope we see more of in the future
  • Also working well: the FX for the lantern immolation
  • It took me a moment but this ship is definitely the same one from Cronenberg’s episode, only it is filmed from the other side
  • Were prank callers really called “breathers” back in the 80s? That kind of sounds like a Tobe Hooper slasher
  • Jonah and Tim literally say the words “gain access to your [Micki’s] master box in the basement”. This is not an euphemism, but I still snickered because I’m basically a 12 years old boy
  • Richie is a brat right from the get-go. Not only does he repeatedly threaten to hide and scare Micki, he’s also a chocolate chip eating fattie. Naturally he immediately winds up being abducted and hog-tied
  • “You’re no phone men.” No shit, Micki
  • “Do you know what skin smells like when it burns?” Wow, this got graphic real quick…except that Jonah proceeds to just mildly burn her hair, which is the opposite of threatening
  • When Jonah prevents Micki from stabbing him, it kinda looks like they’re about to make out
  • Officer Kennedy — aka Officer Red Shirt — is LITERALLY wearing a red hat, which feels a little on the nose. At least he manages to kill Tim before he’s skewered
  • Micki gets locked in the vault with Richie <ugh> but the lack of Veda the doll from the pilot and “The Root Of All Evil” is exceedingly disappointing
  • Kennedy’s death, while predictable, is actually a pretty effective set piece. It has mood and atmosphere and is also surprisingly graphic
  • It’s odd that Micki actually removes the lantern from the vault. Surely it would be easier to just give Jonah what he wants rather than lugging that giant antique around
  • Ooof, the screeching of the doorknob to Micki’s room is the scariest thing in this entire episode. It’s like nails on a blackboard
  • Heh heh, Jonah calls Richie a “pup”. Because he’s fat (get it?)
  • I don’t know that electricity (and electrocution) work the way it does when Jonah gets zapped in the bedroom, though I will give props to Micki and Richie’s ingenuity
  • Also: kudos to the fight choreographer for that kitchen battle because it looks genuinely hardcore
  • Micki tosses Jonah over the bannister, then burns his face to smithereens. I must say the final result looks surprisingly crispy
  • Contrasting Jack and Ryan’s drama about the convention/car breakdown with Micki’s silence is obvious, but still totally works for me. Especially considering that Richie will need years and years and YEARS of therapy to recover from his incident
  • After glancing at the next episode title, I figured that the mirror Micki uses in the climax is the next episode’s cursed antique, but alas it is not! The writers really need to do better with their Easter eggs (by which I mean begin including any)

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode fifteen: “Vanity’s Mirror”

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E13 – ““Noooo, I Don’t Wanna Go!”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

S01E013: “The Baron’s Bride”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Micki (Louise Robey) and Ryan (John D. LeMay) are thrown back in 19th-century London along with murderous, hypnotic vampire Frank (Tom McCamus) who has his eyes on Micki.

  • Director: Bradford May — prolific director of many, many episodes of JAG
  • Writer: Larry Gaynor had a very brief career circa 1985-1990 writing for Danger Bay and Seeing Things
  • Famous Guest Star: McCamus, who would go on to guest on Mutant X and Orphan Black

Haunted cape + clasp

Cursed Antique of the Week: A magical cape that makes its wearer irresistible to women AND a clasp that allows time travel when activated by a drop of blood

Setting: London 1875

Best Death: Lead vampire Marie Simmons (Diana Barrington) is staked through the back with her own For Rent sign

Quirkiest Add-On: The switch to black and white to signify the jump into the past

Character Bits: Even fake-ass vampires can sense the incestual pull between the cousins

Corny Finish Line: Writer Abraham (Kevin Bundy) turns out to be Bram Stoker <insert wah wah noise>

80s Fashion Closet: I don’t know if it’s 80s fashion, but that the cowl on that cape looks cheap AF

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Not much, aside from the fact that everyone knows that they’re hot for each other

Poor Tom McCamus

What Works…

Umm, literally nothing. I’m not even being spiteful. This is easily the worst episode of the series (to date).

Louise Robey is saddled with the worst part of her career

What Doesn’t Work…

Everything. Like literally EVERYTHING.

“The Baron’s Bride” is the equivalent of Friday The 13th throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks (A: nothing). Vampires? Sure. Mind controlling cape? Why not! Time travel? Sweet Jebus — of course!

Look, this episode might have been fine with only one of these components. Maaaybe it could have managed two. But all three? No, this is a clusterf*ck.

Where to even begin? The vampire “effects” and cold open at the Simmons house set the tone and that tone is laughable. Everyone is overacting and being kind of ridiculous, like this is a repertory school for novice actors. Then suddenly we’re thrown into a black and white version of the show set in London, UK 1875 (because whaaaaa?) The rest of the episode includes: a) copious amounts of tedious slow-motion running b) a female character, Caitlin (Susannah Hoffmann) whose sole function is to profess her love for her husband and die and c) Louise Robey completely losing all ability to act. It. Is. Painful! Everyone deserves better and no one rises above this dreck.

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

I’ll allow this

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Apparently putting on the cape also means putting on makeup? The minute that Frank puts the cape on, he’s suddenly wearing lipstick and eyeliner
  • House letter Marie is both a vampire and she only speaks in rhymes? Ugh, this woman deserves to be staked
  • Marie smacking them around is…not threatening. It just looks very silly
  • I’m unsure how Micki’s blood gets on the clasp considering she’s nearly a foot away from Frank
  • I love how Abraham and Caitlin mistake Micki and Ryan for theatre actors. Robey and LeMay probably wish they were after this episode
  • Just in case you didn’t get enough bullshit Jack the Ripper nonsense from “Doctor Jack“, we’re now killing old-timey prostitutes in this episode
  • Actual line from my notes: “Caitlin is a ‘proper’ lady”
  • The slow motion running down the streets? I just can’t
  • Do you think the production team spent their entire budget on smoke machines?
  • I legitimately thought that we had stumbled onto the set of a John Woo movie when they open the door to that basement and a bunch of pigeons fly out
  • Why does Frank age rapidly (a la The Hunger) when he takes off the cape considering Marie never did? Is it a sexist cape that only works for men?
  • I usually appreciate the efforts to create some distinctive scores/music for each episode, but I don’t understand the need for a whistle each time Frank uses his vampire strength/powers
  • My favourite moment of the episode is when Abraham rushes at Frank with a string of garlic
  • Micki’s incessant screams as they drag her away from Frank are painful. I felt for Robey so much during the episode because it must have been humiliating for her to have to do this
  • Favourite line of the episode: “We can’t lose – it’s two against one” Abraham tells Caitlin, like an idiot
  • Blah blah blah – Caitlin is murdered, Abraham blames them for everything that’s happened in the less than 24 hours they’ve been in his life, Micki wants to face suck with Frank and Abraham rescues them at the last minute. It’s all soooo incredibly predictable (AND poorly executed to boot)
  • The coda with the “Abraham wrote Dracula” bit? The rotten cherry on the top of this shit sundae, my friends. Good riddance to this episode!

Alright, let’s never speak of this again. See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode fourteen: “Bedazzled”