Everyone get ready, because as Chris Harrison warns us, this season IS HISTORIC!
Let’s bitch it out…
This season we get not one, but TWO Bachelorettes: Britt and Kaitlin. Well…at least for one night. As an aside: I really wish they would have both girls as the Bachelorette throughout the whole season. It would be much more interesting if people had to assess their “love” connections with more than one option.
Alas, during the season premiere, the guys meet both ladies (who, as the show tells us constantly, are “very different” – Kaitlin is “fun” and Britt is “sincere”. Thanks for defining those boxes for us because viewers need to be spoon fed our stereotypes!). Then the men get to vote on who will be the official Bachelorette for the remainder of the season. I gotta be honest: if it’s not Kaitlin, I’m out.
Let’s take a look at the highlights:
Best Emotional Roller Coaster: I watched this premiere with a friend and have never seen such a range of emotions than when she was introduced to Josh, 27. Here’s a recap of her reactions:
Ohh…he’s cute (smiles).
Ohh…he’s a lawyer (glee).
Ohh, look at his abs…(lust).
Ohhh, he’s a FIREMAN! (love, and ready to call ABC to get his number).
Oh wait. What’s that? He’s a stripper?
(From true love to utter devastation in 15 seconds flat)
Best Backstory: Ian, 28 ran track at Princeton (Princeton! Some production assistant is getting a huge bonus for snagging an Ivy League grad!). Unfortunately Ian had a debilitating injury and had to rebuild his life. As my couch mate noted “his body’s perfect, really good, but not so super jacked that he spends three hours in the gym every day and looks at himself in the mirror.” Also, Ian lives in Venice Beach, which is legitimately a place that Kaitlin or Britt could end up. I’m sorry Josh from Idaho and Joe from Kentucky because there is no way in hell that Britt is ACTUALLY going to live there (regardless of what she says).
Best “Occupation”: I think we can all agree Sean E, 31, the “Amateur Sex Coach” is the winner. AMATEUR. Ouch. Honorable mentions go out to the guys listed as “Healer,” “Junkyard Specialist,” and “Former Investment Banker”.
Best Entrance: Obviously, there’s no way to beat Sean E. who showed up in a carpool. Literally: a car that is a pool. I sure hope he had another pair of pants to change into at the end of the night.
Worst Drunk: Oh, Ryan M., 28. You know you screwed up when they kick you out and send you out in a white van. You don’t even qualify for the reject limo! Seriously, this guy took the typical guy-who-drank-too-much-at-the-first-cocktail-party-and-jumped-in-the-pool and took it to the next, creepy level. He calls the ladies “hoes”, does not appreciate Britt’s personal space, and then slaps Kaitlin on the ass. Finally, when he threatens to rape another contestant (!!), Chris Harrison sends him home. Good riddance!
Best Gift: JJ, 32, delivered a fantastic “I would love to puck you” hockey gift to Kaitlin. A nod to her Canadian heritage and her “you can plow my field” entrance last year. Kudos.
Fakest Laugh: Kaitlin’s obligatory giggle when Shawn B., 28, picked up Britt and twirled her around.
Best Blank Stare: Clearly both Britt and Kaitlin do not play tennis given their confused faces after Bradley, 25 makes a “love-love match” pun.
Biggest Question: How did Tony the Healer get that shiner? Also, how often does he kiss his plants?
My first impression rose: Chris, 28. Was he a bit forgettable? Sure. Was his entrance in a cupcake-mobile super cheesy? Of course. But he’s a hot, seemingly normal guy with a REAL job (dentist!). Sign me up. Shout out to Josh the Welder who came in a close second.
Best Strategy Discussion: Do you pick the lady that you like the most, or the one that likes you the most? I think the answer to this question really depends on where the upcoming trips are. If it’s Fiji, stick with whoever will keep you around. If it’s South Dakota like last season, does it really matter?
Best Website: ABC’s Bachelorette website grays out the cast bios after the members get voted off. Very Hunger Games.
- Kaitlin, after Britt receives a gift: What is that, soap or tissues?
- Brady, 33: “I’ve always had melodies inside me”
- Tony, 35: “The universe provides.”
What did you think? Who gets your first impression rose? Stay tuned, tonight we get to see who becomes The Bachelorette!
PS: for those of you who missed the shameless plug on last season’s After the Final Rose…Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel! Hot off the presses, ladies.
The Bachelorette airs a special episode tonight, Tuesday at 8pm EST on ABC