Kaitlyn turns in her roses for a rock as we put a nail in the coffin of this “dramatic” season.
Let’s bitch it out…
Apparently the entire production budget for this season has been allocated to Bachelor in Paradise because instead of a Caribbean locale for the final episode, Shawn and Nick get taken to the exotic city of…L.A. The final two get ready to meet Kaitlyn’s family in the City of Angels.
Nick is up first. And apparently the series confiscated Kaitlyn’s cell too because her family has NO idea that Nick is there. Or as Momma Bristowe calls him, “Nick V.” Unsurprisingly, Kaitlyn and the producers think it’s really important that she tell her mom that she was intimate with Nick and that “we can’t keep our hands off each other.” Just to make sure Nick feels as uncomfortable as possible, she lets him know that’s what he’s walking into.
Momma Bristowe is NOT #teamnick and I love her all the more for it. She calls him possessive and jealous and, “I don’t want to use the word arrogant…” She’s not sure what Kaitlyn sees in Nick. Nick starts crying. I’m not sure if this is because of his strong feelings for Kaitlyn (presumably it is) or the fact that this woman is staring daggers at him. Unfortunately my new hero Momma Bristowe does a 180 real fast when she sees Nick’s crocodile tears and gives him her blessing. Nick calls Kaitlyn bold and brave (just not around pigeons).
Before Shawn’s date, Kaitlyn AGAIN reminds her parents she banged Nick and talks about how hard that was for Shawn. Momma Bristowe is concerned Shawn might be a jealous person. From mom’s lips to God’s ears…
Shawn pulls out the big guns: he tells the story about how he fell in love with Kaitlyn during Chris’s season. He also makes an awkward, unsolicited family toast. But wait, it’s not over yet. Because what would another Bachelorette segment be without bringing up Sexgate 2015. Oh good lord, I’m so bored with this topic. But Momma Bristowe isn’t. She confronts Shawn about his jealousy over Sexgate. He confirms they weren’t in an exclusive relationship and he won’t go cray next time. Momma Bristowe’s sold. The Bristowes are handing out blessings like candy: Shawn gets one too.
It’s now final date time, with all those Hail Mary I-Love-You’s.
Nick and Kaitlyn bum around SoCala in a yacht before Nick uses the master of all pickup lines: “I got you something, it’s in my bedroom.” Niiiice. Nick gives Kaitlyn a frame with a photo of them and a poem of his feelings at the moment the picture was taken. Does anyone else cringe when bachelors read their own poetry aloud? The inscription on the frame says “you and me” instead of “Nick and Kaitlyn” which makes me wonder if he bought that for her, or if it was in a storage unit full of gift props for the franchise.
Shawn’s final date occurs in an oddly green patch of grass in the middle of drought-ridden California desert landscape. Kaitlyn asks him if he put on sunscreen on and it’s actually kind of cute. They start talking about how things feel weird, because neither one of them can just hang out and enjoy each other’s company without over analyzing everything. While Kaitlyn’s freaking out that this all ends in an engagement the following day, Shawn’s not concerned because he knows they built “a solid foundation.” You know, in the last five weeks they’ve known each other… Also: Shawn put together a memory jar as a gift. Nick just gave her one memory photo. Shawn wins.
Can I just say, it has been WAY too long since I’ve seen Neil Lane’s romantic mug. Shawn picks a super gaudy ring and Nick overshares with Neil about his Bachelorette past.
We’re back at the Mansion, where this crazy journey all started, to deliver the final rose. I’ll give you one guess as to whether Kaitlyn is wearing sequins (she is). Wait, who’s that getting out of the limo? NICK! Anyone who saw Kaitlyn’s ill-advised snapchat probably isn’t too surprised, I’m still starting to feel a bit bad for Nick and his upcoming fate.
Nick starts his spiel, clearly ramping himself up to propose and Kaitlyn…well, she LETS HIM DO IT. Dude, have a little compassion and cut him off! She even lets him pull the ring out! Dick move, Kaitlyn. A note to all the ladies out there – don’t tell someone you were falling in love with them while you’re denying their proposal. And when they say they don’t want to rehash everything while YOU’RE DUMPING THEM, let them go lick their wounds in private.
Nick calls her out saying “It’s not fair for you to tell me you feel the same as I do”. This is the first time I’ve liked him all season. But let’s send Nick off in, as someone called it during Men Tell All, the “Depression Van” cause it’s time for THE PROPOSAL!
Shawn proposes, Kaitlyn said yes. There is more to it than that but I started tuning out and just waiting for After the Final Rose, because we don’t watch this for the sappy stuff, we watch to see THE DRAMA! And Chris Harrison tries to bring it, asking Nick “why does Shawn hate you so much?” The highlights of After the Final Rose: Chris H’s obsession of Nick’s “pre-existing relationship” with Kaitlyn. Nick introducing himself to Shawn (“I have a name”) and Nick calling Kaitlyn out for letting him go so far at his proposal.
- “Are you the happiest kid in all the land?”- Kaitlyn to Shawn
- Does anyone else miss the video messages that the final two contestants used to tape?
- Is Nick wearing enough bracelets?
- It made me so sad how destroyed the bottom of Kaitlyn’s dress got.
- If ABC tries to show me one more Quantico commercial I’m going to throw my shoe at the TV.
Thank you for joining me on this year’s journey to find love! Stock up on your tequila and Valtrex because now it’s time for Bachelor in Paradise!
By the way, in case you missed it: Kaitlyn had sex with Nick.
What did you think of the season? Did Kaitlyn choose the right Bachelor? Sound off below!
The Bachelorette has now finished airing for the year. Bachelor in Paradise debuts Sunday, Aug 2 at 8pm EST on ABC.