We transition from Texas to Ireland, and from a coffin to the bedroom in this week’s “dramatic” episode.
Let’s bitch it out…
It’s the episode that’s been teased all year: Kaitlyn has sex BEFORE the fantasy suite! I’m not going to slut shame Kaitlyn for going after what she wants and having a healthy sex life as a 30 year old woman or for self-identifying as a “make out bandit.” No, folks, I’m going to shame her for CHOOSING NICK to bang. UGH. 4/4 of us watching together had to cover our eyes like we were watching a horror movie every time Nick bit her lip. Break out the disinfectant – my eyes need bleach ASAP.
I’m getting ahead of myself. We still have to deal with Ian, who is countering being rebuffed by turning into a giant dick. He keeps it classy, accusing Kaitlyn of being a “surface-level person” and being upset that she’s not a damsel in distress from last season waiting to be saved by a “complex”, “deep,” and “self-aware” (!!!) man. During her comeback, I REALLY wish she hadn’t said “I’m not as deep a person as you.” Oh Kaitlyn, girl have some self respect. Ian accuses her of injecting too much humor into these proceedings – as though having fun is a horrible way to go through life. Obviously Ian goes home, but not before making one last pitch to be the next Bachelor (“I went to Princeton!” “I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences.” “I feel like I am destined to be the Bachelor…if I was the Bachelor they’d come out of the woodwork”). Good luck, buddy, I wouldn’t hold your breath.
- On a very “surface-level” note, Kaitlyn looks AWESOME during this rose ceremony, in her first non-sequined dress o’ the season.
Nick joins Kaitlyn to comfort her, but the random pink strip on his bow tie is so distracting that I missed what he said. All I know is Shawn is PISSED while witnessing
them make-out their connection.
FINALLY we get a rose ceremony (has it been like a year since we’ve had one of these? I missed Chris Harrison!). Since we’re at THE ALAMO (a bonus for the location scout), we learn that TX is Chris H.’s home state, and this is special for him…which makes it special for us. Justin (aka poor man’s Tom Hardy) and Josh-u-a get sent home. Hopefully Joshua will head straight to a salon. Also, maybe he can find a Groupon to get laser removal of that thumb ring tattoo. The less said about JJ, who is inexplicably still on this journey, the better.
Next up: IRELAND! Because Dublin is…say it with me…”a great place to fall in love.” Kaitlyn ominously says she’s excited for Ireland because “there’s a couple of guys I’m excited to go further with.” Cue Kaitlyn / the producers making things as awkward as possible for the contestants by giving Nick the first one-on-one “date.” And by “date” I mean, let’s see how many inappropriate places we can make out in Dublin. The alley and pub are high up on the list, but making out in a Catholic Church takes the cake. The look of disgust on the faces of the Irish passersby when our couple try to river dance might be my favorite part of the entire episode.
Now to the part that promises to be the Most. Dramatic. Ever: Kaitlyn doesn’t want the night to end and invites Nick back to her room. Our couple does not get the same off-camera liberties as the Fantasy Suite dates, with a cameraman hanging in front of the door during the entire hook up, capturing cringe-worthy comments like “I want to know every part of you.” Oh boy…
The next morning, it dawns on Kaitlyn that sleeping with Nick may hurt her relationships with her other boyfriends. She questions whether she would have been upset if Britt and Chris had sex, which actually surprises me. The fact that someone (anyone) genuinely cares that much about Chris…kinda renews my faith in this show. But I digress…Kaitlyn just hopes Nick won’t tell the other guys. I’m sorry, did she NOT SEE last season’s After the Final Rose?!? Obviously Nick teases the other guys, stating that his time with Kaitlyn “was intimate”. I think I saw canary feathers coming out of his mouth.
It’s time for the group date with – thank goodness – hands-down the best group of guys left: Chris, Ben H, Ben Z, Tanner, Jared, and Shawn B. The PAs have really outdone themselves trying to find a date activity more awkward than mariachi or a rap battle. Who would have thought that they could top those gems, but credit their tenacity because they found it: giving a eulogy at a fake Irish wake for Kaitlyn. I will admit that despite the awkwardness, the suitors are spectacular: Tanner cracks a joke wondering how he’s still here, and Shawn B. drops some shade on Nick with a diss about how Kaitlyn must have killed herself after spending the day with him. My date rose, however, goes to Chris who says Kaitlyn must have died because she didn’t floss enough. Lol.
Unfortunately, my date rose doesn’t count. Kaitlyn gives hers to Jared (along with a Cranberries concert. Yeah, 1990s!). Shawn B is PISSED. During his one-on-one time, Shawn had shown photos of his family to “open up,” “let the walls down,” and “be vulnerable” (I can imagine The Bachelorette producers during casting: “Do you have a dead parent?” “No” “Well do you at least have some cute nieces and nephews you can talk about?”).
Shawn gets so angry he heads to his BFF, who happens to be a producer. He laments his uncertainty about whether he should continue with the process. Way to breakdown the forth wall! (Kinda?). Kaitlyn is “ruining everything we have” by being interested in her 10 other boyfriends. Shawn surprises her at her hotel room (the best part of which is realizing that her hair doesn’t always look that perfect). As for the confrontation itself? I’ll give you one guess. That’s right…to be continued.
What did you think of last night’s episode? Is it humanly possible for Nick to find tighter pants? Is anyone else intrigued about Chris crying in the preview for next episode? Sound off below!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8pm EST on ABC