In a “shocking twist,” Ian somehow beats out Nick as this week’s horrible human being.
Let’s bitch it out…
Nick enters the lion’s den (aka the NYC hotel suite) and is getting hardcore grilled. Tanner acknowledges that they’ve all read the tabloids and know that he met with Andi a few weeks ago. Actually Tanner, we didn’t all know that (not all of us have Reality Steve saved as our homepage). Tanner is really into Bachelor Nation. You have to appreciate his dedication. Meanwhile, seething in the corner is Joshua, who is angry that Nick can’t clarify whether Kaitlyn is a “cool chick” or “amazing woman.”
The passive-aggressive discussion gets put on hold when the boys head off to the first rose ceremony in forever. Some production assistant decided to do this at the Mets stadium, which is great in theory…if it wasn’t winter. Nothing is more romantic than a bunch of dudes jumping up and down like they have to pee just to keep warm. Kaitlyn and Chris H. have winter coats on. Not fair. Unsurprisingly, Kaitlyn sends Ryan home (who I literally noticed for the first time last week), Corey, and Jonathan. Don’t feel too bad for Jonathan, apparently he is heading off to Bachelor in Paradise.
The group departs NYC to continue their journey in the romantic city of…San Antonio, TX?
The first one-on-one goes to Ben H, who previously wow’d us with his sex ed class. Kaitlyn and Ben enter a two-step competition. Seriously, can’t these poor guys get a bowling date, or maybe a movie? There’s gotta be some schlock Disney is slinging this summer that they can promote.
Anyhow, after two-steppin’ with some adorable old ladies, Ben H. opens up. Let’s break this down: Ben H. talks about this deep relationship he ended two years ago because his girlfriend felt he lost the chase. Ben is 26. This means that he was 24 when this earth shattering event happened and left him vulnerable and ready for marriage <eye roll> Whatever, Kaitlyn ate it up and gives Ben the rose.
Next up: Group date performing mariachi songs in full attire. These. Poor. Guys. Sabastian the 12-year-old mariachi singer gets my rose. The boys, however, are…um…HORRIBLE. Nick does not waste any time in further alienating the crew by stealing Kaitlyn during his song and bringing her to the balcony away from everyone else.
During the date cocktail hour, Josh-u-a decides he needs to create a bonding moment with Kaitlyn and has her…cut his hair? “You cut hair right?” I’m sorry, how did this previously come up? And if Kaitlyn said yes, she’s a liar because she butchers one side of Joshua’s hair, and promptly gives up on the other. The uneven, patchy head was such a hot mess it completely distracted from the rest of the show. Which is a shame, because Joshua is still seething about Nick. He even uses his “guy’s intuition” to realize Nick is insincere. Um…is guy’s intuition a real thing? He tells Kaitlyn that everyone in the house hates Nick, because nothing is sexier than a gossip. Kaitlyn (totally drunk, right?), confronts the guys and ask if there is anything they need to tell her. We hear crickets as they all throw Joshua under the bus. To prove a point (god I hope it’s to prove a point), Kaitlyn gives Nick the date rose.
The final one-on-one goes to Shawn B. This gives Shawn the opportunity to share his sob story to win brownie points (I’m pretty sure they don’t let you on this show if you don’t have a dead parent or have yourself gotten into a bad car accident). In this case, it’s a car accident. And I guess this made him realize he wants love in his life? Because he says it. That’s right: “I’m falling in love with you.” With nine other guys left. Ballsy move, dude. Wait, what’s that? She feels the same, like she had just heard a confession from her future husband. I see smoke coming out of the ears of The Bachelorette lawyers that drew up her contract.
Now let’s talk about Ian. Ian realizes he’s not getting a medal in this race. When you realize you’re going down in flames, you can do one of two things: bow out and wish everyone the best like a class act orrrrr lash out, talk about how stupid this is and how you didn’t want it anyway. Guess which one Ian picked?
Ian does a complete 180 and turns into an entitled prick. Some gems:
- “She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend”
- “I bring so much more to the table: a good job, education, charisma, brains, looks”
- “I could be the Bachelor, I’m a very eligible bachelor in this world.”
- “I have a lot of sex in my own life.”
- “I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting.”
As he says, he needs to get his confidence back. He does that by making Kaitlyn feel like shit, telling her she’s not the damaged girl he wanted to find after being dumped by Chris. How dare she have the audacity to have fun, and flirt, and see what chemistry she has with these guys? On the plus side, Kaitlyn’s dress (the first one all season not covered in sequins) is gorgeous.
To be continued…again. UGH.
What did you think? Were you surprised by Ian’s ugliness? Did any of you pick Shawn B. as the first “I love you” in your fantasy leagues? Sound off below!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8pm EST on ABC