The mid-season finale of the incredibly addictive American Horror Story: Aslyum is upon us and that title is a warning sign. Watch your baby-maker, because this show is about to pop!
Let’s bitch it out…People are getting pregnant or they’re getting killed. This means we’re either watching Teen Mom 18: Hit & Run or it’s another week of AHS.
Seriously this show is some messed up sh*t…and I totally love it! As we discussed earlier this week in relation to Arrow, the mid-season finale is a strange beast. You need to balance enough balls in the air to ensure people talk about your show without disappointing fans by a lack of closure (often for months on end). Some shows can do this (see: Arrow‘s mid-season finale), others cannot (see: Revolution‘s mid-season finale). Looking at AHS, It’s clear that the show knows how to deliver the goods since we’re sure to talk about this episode well into the new year.
Let’s tally the cliffhangers, shall we?
- Thredson (Zachary Quinto) has escaped bondage and is loose in Briarcliff
- Lana (Sarah Paulson) finds out she’s preggers. After diddling herself with a coat hanger, she’s certain the problem has been straightened out until satanic gyno Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) proclaims her still with child…and a boy child, no less
- Speaking of boy child, Johnny Morgan aka modern day Bloody Face (Dylan McDermott) aka likely Lana and Thredson’s demon spawn is at large in the present and killing Grey’s Anatomy cast-offs (Sidenote: Guess now we know what happened to Brooke Smith’s Dr. Hahn after she disappeared into the parking garage all those years ago, amirite?)
- Arden (James Cromwell) gets perpetual moron Kit (Evan Peters) to agree to a near-death experience in order to attract those pesky eugenics aliens since apparently his sperm is a UFO-magnet. Needless to say, the aliens don’t so much rescue Kit – who may or may not die – as drop off a hugely pregnant Grace (Lizzie Brocheré), who is being tended to by Pepper (Naomi Grossman)
- Sister Jude (Jessica Lange) is now officially a patient of Briarcliff. In a hilariously tragic set of interviews, everyone including Arden, Mary Eunice, Monsignor (Joseph Fiennes), Lee Emerson (a not dead Ian McShane) and even the Mother Superior (!) testify that she’s lost her marbles. We last see her smashing the hypnotically creepy French lullaby record in the rec room as Lana cheers her bravado
- Speaking of Monsignor, he’s in a baaaad place after trusting Emerson’s phony “I want forgiveness” BS. A routine adult male baptism ends with the poor delusional advocate for the Lord crucified and thisclose to a kiss from the Angel of Death (Frances Conroy)
Needless to say, this episode has more random events than a party lorded over by SNL’s Stefon, so there’s plenty to keep us satiated until the next batch of episodes when the show returns in the New Year. So grab your red knickers, do a little naughty dance in front of the crucifix and skin your therapist in the meantime!
- As gasp-worthy and shocking as the final scene with the Monsignor is, I can’t say that he didn’t have it coming. Perhaps not this, but considering the friends he’s been keeping lately (the devil, the Nazi, and the deranged Santa), it really couldn’t have happened to a more naive guy, no?
- Lana’s self-induced (non-successful) abortion: worse or equal to the rape and/or the aversion therapy? Is there a character on the show who has been through more than her at this point?
- When Jude and Lana have their talk in the rec room, it took me a moment to realize how much has happened between them since Jude forcibly admitted Lana in the premiere. But in reality it’s only been eight episodes! Time flies when you’re being tortured, huh?
- Who’s the bigger idiot Monsignor for trusting Emerson, or Kit for trusting Arden? If social Darwinism is a thing, these two are in a race to the bottom of the gene pool
- Finally, I will admit that I didn’t realize that Pepper looks like this is real life. Given Ryan Murphy’s penchant for hiring non-traditional actors/actresses, it’s a bit of a shock, no?
- Mary Eunice (when Lana gets upset hearing she’s pregnant): “Calm down mommy.”
- Thredson (trying to convince Lana to keep the baby): “You owe me this.” Say whaaa?! B*tch is crazier than we thought!
- Lana (when Jude says she’s going to get her out of Briarcliff): “Last time you said that to me it didn’t go well.”
So that’s our last AHS of 2012. How are you feeling about this first half of the second season? How crazy is it that both Lana and Grace are both pregnant? Or is it totally crazier that Grace is back at all? Will Kit or Monsignor die? Sound off below
American Horror Story: Asylum returns Wednesday, Jan 2 at 10pm on FX. If you want a spoilery sneak peek (aka it indicates who lives and dies), click here.