The B*tch Watch: February 3, 2017 Film preview

February has arrived and with it film salvation! Wait…the movies still kinda suck? Huh.

Let’s bitch it out…

Blame pigskins and tailgate parties. Superbowl weekend arrives, which means that risk-adverse Hollywood plays it safe by releasing two mid-tier films targeting relatively niche audiences who may not be interested in football. Unfortunately that doesn’t make them great, so we’ve got another ho-hum weekend at the multiplex to suffer through (unless you can track down a theatre showing an Oscar nominated documentary).

Feb 3, 2017

Rings (Wide)

• Cast: The leads are nobodies, but look for Vincent D’Onofrio (The Cell), Friday Night Light‘s Aimee Teagarden and The Vampire Diaries‘ Zach Roerig to slouch through
• Official synopsis: A new chapter in the beloved Ring horror franchise. A young woman becomes worried about her boyfriend when he explores a dark subculture surrounding a mysterious videotape said to kill the watcher seven days after he has viewed it. She sacrifices herself to save her boyfriend and in doing so makes a horrifying discovery: there is a “movie within the movie” that no one has ever seen before…
• Good for fans of: J-Horror (obvs), shitty CGI, and SPOILERS prequels END SPOILERS
• Is it worth your time? Beloved, really? Let’s cool it with the grandstanding, shall we? Look, this film has been delayed a few times (usually not a good sign) and the trailers fail to generate any enthusiasm for their sheer lack of originality (coughing up hair, scratches on wells, etc). With sequel number two, we know exactly what to expect, but even for horror franchise standards, this looks pretty darn derivative. Maybe just see Split again?

The Space Between Us (Wide)

• Cast: Asa Butterfield (Gurl, fire your agent), Britt Robertson (Gurl, fire your agent), Gary Oldman (Dracula), Carla Gugino (Mr. Popper’s Penguins)
• Official synopsis: Gardner (Butterfield), the first human born on Mars, travels to Earth for the first time, experiencing the wonders of the planet through fresh eyes. He embarks on an adventure with a street smart girl, Tulsa (Robertson) to discover how he came to be.
• Good for fans of: The Martian, The Fugitive, Bicentennial Man?
• Is it worth your time? The inclusion of the lines “Bring him home!” and “His heart can’t handle our gravity!” are enough to make me want to barf all over this movie, despite the decent cast and the somewhat original space premise. But, oomph, this looks a bit too cutesy, no?

I am Not Your Negro (Limited Documentary)

• Official synopsis: In his new film, director Raoul Peck envisions the book James Baldwin never finished – a radical narration about race in America, using the writer’s original words. He draws upon James Baldwin’s notes on the lives and assassinations of Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, and Martin Luther King Jr. to explore and bring a fresh and radical perspective to the current racial narrative in America.
• Good for fans of: Selma, 13, OJ: Made in America
• Is it worth your time? Absolutely. This Academy Award nominated film is incredibly timely considering the recent political unrest that’s taking place in the US. The simple fact is that most people could stand to be more educated on the history of persecution of African Americans. Plus it’s Black History month, so get off your ass.

The Comedian (Limited)

• Cast: Robert DeNiro (Meet The Fockers), Leslie Mann (This is 40)
• Official synopsis: A look at the life of an aging insult comic (Yup, that’s all it says!)
• Good for fans of: Triumph the insult comic dog, As Good As It Gets, Donald Trump
• Is it worth your time? I’m not a huge fan of the last decade of Bobby DeNiro’s oeuvre and this doesn’t look apt to change that sentiment. Director Taylor Hackford has a feather in his cap for the Oscar winning Ray, but pretty much everything else he touches is crap/dudsville (save for The Devil’s Advocate). Nothing about The Comedian looks good, so I’m declaring a hard pass.

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Next week: Valentine’s Day is for lovers…of BDSM. Hope you’ll spit out the ball gag long enough to check back in!