Chris Harrison starts by saying he’s going to just “get right to it” and announce who will become the next Bachelorette. He then proceeds to use five excruciating, misleading sentences to tell Britt “You’re not the Bachelorette.” Classy.
Let’s bitch it out…
That’s right, Kaitlyn is our “winner”…if that’s what you want to call it. Chris tells Kaitlyn she’s the new Bachelorette and I’m just gonna stop here and throw it out there…there is CRAZY sexual chemistry between Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn. They hug about five million times and he calls her “sweet girl.” I’m sincerely hoping that the reason this season will be the MOST. DRAMATIC. EVER. is that it will chronicle their path to love.
Alas Kaitlyn doesn’t have time for that right now, she has to put her big girl panties on and get ready for some cocktails and the first rose ceremony (“I still have to do that?” “You’re the bachelorette, that’s your job.”).
Josh (I’m sorry, Josh-u-aaa) starts his one-on-one time by pulling out the big guns: a (seriously gorgeous) metal rose that he welded himself specifically for Kaitlyn. Top that, Clint with the picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops! (Okay, that was actually pretty awesome too).
Now it’s time for the first impression rose and the men are SCRAMBLING to get face time. JJ gets a heart-to-heart about his daughter and Chris gets the First Make-Out of the Season! Serious question: had he and Kaitlyn even had a conversation before their lips locked? #nojudgement (totally judging).
The kiss must not have been that good, because the First Impression Rose goes to Shawn B. It is unsurprising that Shawn B., one of the 15 personal trainers in attendance (that market must be saturated!), gets the rose. Let’s not forget Kaitlyn’s trail of drool when Ryan Gosling’s Cousin look-alike showed up.
Meanwhile, the men who voted for Britt are struggling. As Tony the Healer ™ profoundly states, “there’s only one drinking fountain now and we all have to stand in line” (he’s like, totally, profound, man). Some men, however, don’t find it too difficult to switch teams, which makes sense considering that a free trip to Ireland is on the table (#nojudgement). Brady, however, is still pining for Britt. I mean, the melodies in his heart are all about her. So he bids adieu to Kaitlyn and hightails it to the local Residence Inn to see if Britt will give him a shot. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see that outcome…yet (cue The Bachelors Tell All).
Rose Ceremony Breakdown:
Still on the Journey to Love: Clint, Ian, Tony the Healer ™, Shawn B., Jonathan, Ben Z., Ben H., Tanner, Jared, Joshua, JJ, Moonshine Joe, Kupah, Justin, Daniel (who?), Ryan B. (who? Part II), Corey and Cory
Reject Limo to Loneliness: Shawn E., Josh the Stripper, Brady (self-eliminated), Bradley, David
Now let’s talk about the big news of the night: the season preview. WHAT IS GOING ON!?! It looks like someone gets a little frisky too early, which will of course help generate a national dialogue on slut-shaming and sexual gender inequality (or everyone will just call Kaitlyn a ho). Also, it looks like Jared the restaurant manager is sticking around for a while – I guess he really won points for admitting Britt was his top choice? Well played, sir. But most of all…Nick from Andi’s season shows up, and gets wayyyy too many make-out sessions if you ask me. Ugh. Go home Nick. No one wants you here.
Are you as excited as I am that Kaitlyn is The Bachelorette? Who is your front runner? Do the previews make you as nervous as they make me? Sound off below!
The Bachelorette airs next Monday at a special time, 9pm EST on ABC