How can a post-coital episode be this tragically boring?
Let’s bitch it out…
I’m so over The Shawn Show. We open with him and his ambush of Kaitlyn in her hotel room. He’s pissed he didn’t get the last date rose and needs reassurance (“I reassure you more than anyone else” says an annoyed Kaitlyn). He wants her to admit she loves him…(it is pertinent to remind you that there are NINE GUYS LEFT at this point. Slow your roll, Shawn). Kaitlyn calls his bluff when he says he’s having a hard time and doesn’t know if he can do this. Basically, he better shape up and ship out. I’ve never been so proud of Kaitlyn. Like, do these guys not realize the format of this show?!?
Next up is everyone’s favorite: the first official two-on-one of the season! It includes JJ (who apparently is “edgy”) and Kentucky Joe. Joe pulls out the Hail Mary “I’m falling in love with you” while JJ “Opens Up.” Oh geez JJ, admitting that you cheated on your wife was not the way to go. But, you know, points for honesty (on national TV no less!) and finding a way to get yourself kicked off. I think we can all agree that it was time for JJ to go home. Kaitlyn doesn’t give Joe the rose just yet; she wants to get to know him better before she makes any decisions about him. So they make out, after which she appreciates that he doesn’t “need to be validated all the time,” and he gets a rose.
When Joe returns to the lair o’ Bachelors, he talks about having a good time with Kaitlyn. Shawn is PISSED. So he heads, unannounced, to Kaitlyn’s hotel room…AGAIN. I’m have mixed feelings: half of me is uncomfortable with his insecurity while the other half of me is bored out of my mind at this repetitiveness. You have to feel for Shawn a little, considering it appears Kaitlyn told him he was “the one” during their off-camera time*. But I can’t bring myself to care during his whining.
*Also, can we talk about how the phrase “off-camera time” is great? Like it is a distinct phase of life: all actions are distinguished by whether they occurred “on camera” or “off camera” time.
My eyes glaze over for the rest of Shawn’s conversation. Next up: a Rose Ceremony! (In the middle of the episode? What is up with this new format?!?) Anyhow, Kaitlyn continues to freak out about how her sexy time with Nick affects her other relationships. How can talking about sex be so…unsexy? Let’s move on people! Kaitlyn tells the men that she is having a difficult week because she made mistakes. Everyone is freaking out thinking it is because of them. The look on Shawn’s face is painful. Hell, the intensity is really freaking me out. Nick, I’m sure, is running through his moves in his head trying to make sure she wasn’t faking it. Kaitlyn talks to Nick and asks if he talked to the guys about their night together. He flat out lies and says he never used the word “intimate” (umm…it’s on tape, dude).
Here’s where we stand: Nick and Joe already have roses. Kaitlyn gives the remaining buds to: Jared, Ben H., Chris, and Shawn (!!). Tanner and Ben Z. are sent home. Let me repeat that: Ben Z. got sent home. That sound you hear is millions of women collectively screaming at their TV. Also: Chris Harrison’s rose tie is everything.
Next up: Kaitlyn and the men head on a road trip to Killarney, Ireland. While the rest of the guys are on a bus, Jared gets to ride with Kaitlyn. The dude’s chill is really working in his favor. He doesn’t ask her to reassure him that she wants to have grandkids with him; instead he good-naturedly makes fun of the fact that she keeps running into the curb while driving. His stock is rising fast.
At this point Chris Harrison throws Kaitlyn a curve ball. She currently has 6 guys left. Instead of selecting four to take to hometown dates, they are changing up the format: now she will narrow down to three guys for overnight dates, and THEN hometowns with 2 guys. The rationale? Chris wants her to have more “off camera” time with all of the guys to create an even playing field to account for her “mistake” with Nick.
I have been watching UnREAL this season (which is awesome, by the way). Now whenever I see things like Chris Harrison announcing they are changing the order of the fantasy and hometown dates, I imagine the production meeting that led to this. “We could get more crying if we get her to sleep with more people earlier on.” Or is it something more noble like “with all this making out they’ve been doing, they haven’t actually had a chance to talk at all so we should let them spend more time together before actually meeting families.” I hope it’s the latter…but I doubt it.
The first Killarney one-on-one is with Chris the Cupcake. As you all know, he’s my favorite. But today is not a good day for Chris. While having a picnic on a cliff, Kaitlyn breaks down. Chris is perfect on paper, he meets all the items on her checklist. But she’s just not attracted to him. It’s time for Chris to leave. You’re not wrong, Walter…
‘Week 7’ ends here. Chris waits until Kaitlyn’s out of range and then starts crying into his fashionable scarf. Are any of the producers going to MOVE HIM AWAY FROM THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF as he’s uncontrollably sobbing about losing the love of his life?! That seems like a negligence lawsuit waiting to happen…
What did you think of this week’s episode? Are you mourning the loss of Ben Z. as well? Are you wondering why Kentucky Joe is still around? Are you concerned about Chris still up on that cliff? Sound off below!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8pm EST on ABC