The beautiful ladies of Revenge break out their best power plays and Daniel (Josh Bowman) continues to act like the tepid imitation of his egomaniac, philandering father. So it’s basically business as usual.
Let’s bitch it out…Oh wait, something big does happen in ‘Secrecy’: Lydia (Amber Valletta) has come back from the dead! That’s right…FREAKIN’ LYDIA IS ALIVE!*
*I realize that not everyone will be as excited as me by this recent turn of events. I long ago acknowledged that I like Revenge when it’s at its most soapy (*cough Tyler cough*), but recognize that that may not be in synch with other viewers. If you don’t like it, too bad! Or just tell me to shut it in the comments
I’m particularly giddy because I. So. Totally. Called. This. Oh sure, it was about fifteen minutes before the reveal, but sometime after Conrad Grayson (Henry Cznery) namedrops his poor,dead mistress as he tours the not-so-secret Manhattan bachelor pad** with his aggressively unlikable son, I thought to myself “Man, I miss Lydia!” Obviously in hindsight the decision to mention Lydia is to remind us that she once existed and prepare us for her shocking Deep Throat*** return at the end of ‘Secrecy.’ So fist pump to laying the foundation for maximum effect, Revenge writers.
**Side Note 2: Things that won’t look suspicious at all: searching Google for “place to conduct affair with mistress” trying to remember the French term Victoria (Madeleine Stowe) uses to describe the cheat-a-palooza boys club
***Side Note 3: I LOVE Margaux’s (Karine Vanasse) “secret rendezvous” trenchcoat look. It’s as though the costume designer looked at Looney Tunes shorts and Humphrey Bogart films to figure out what people wear to clandestine meetings in car parks
Surprisingly enough even without the Lydia reveal ‘Secrecy’ still would have been pretty scandalous, thanks in no small part to the dramatic game of “up the bitch-stakes” going on between Victoria and Emily (Emily VanCamp). With only two episodes before the wedding, the ladies have adopted a take-no-prisoners mentality to their individual quests. Victoria pulls a malicious prank parading Emily’s “first” husband at the Bridal Shower. No problem: Emily counters with a gay green card. Victoria ups the ante with the infidelity scandal between Daniel and *groan* Sara (Annabelle Stephenson). Emily can beat that; she’s got a faux-pregnancy! That’s a gamechanger, ladies and gents. No one effs with Emily because she will ultrasound you! And then maybe red sharpie you…
- Oh Charlotte (Christa B. Allen)…your thinly veiled threats against Emily are so childish. It’s pathetic (much like the character). Go back to Europe and get more “woe is me” nudie shots taken because you are outclassed and outgunned (literally now that Barry Sloane’s Aiden has reappropriated your computer to help frame yer mama!)
- So guess Barry Sloane isn’t actually leaving the series. Not sure what all that beach drama was about last week because he’s back getting into tiny penis fights with Jack (Nick Wechsler) about who’s worthy enough to be with Emily
- Side Note: Is it just me or does Emily no longer have chemistry with any of these guys now?
- One thing I know I personally do when resisting the urge to cheat: stalk the object of my affectation at the organic food market. So titillating. Plus the strawberries have far fewer pesticides
- I LOVE that Rohan, Em’s first husband, is a fellow REVENGE! agent and that he’s randomly engraving some alarm beacon watch into a freaking ruby for Emily. What is going on with this show??? Also: Alarm watches = FORESHADOWING, you guys!
- Ever get the feeling Karine Vanasse wanders around the set screaming “I can play more than French! When do I get to REVENGE! someone?!”
- What’s worse: Conrad’s autobiography is called Choices We Make or Sara’s butt crack chomping high-waisted shorts at the organic market? I wanna give it to the shorts for disappearing in all the wrong places, but there is simply too much pretentious pomp and “ugh” in that book title! That’s just not a best seller, friends. He might as well have just called it “Delusions of Grandeur from an Arrogant Arse”
- Gabriel Mann’s Nolan (after Emily eavesdrops on his conversation with Jack): “Ems, I didn’t hear you sneak in”
- Nolan (outlining the roommate rule that Aiden must call before coming home): “I am on the rebound, so bitch don’t kill my vibe”
- Victoria (referring to both Sara’s cooking and status as other woman): “After all, it isn’t the worst time to get a taste of things to come.”
- Charlotte (to Ems, after her thinly veiled Bridal Shower threat): “I meant every word” Argh…I hate her SO MUCH!
- Nolan (after Emily requests her watch be set in rubies): “Red is her favourite colour” Snark!
You’re up: Are you psyched that Lydia is back or do you even remember who she is? (Re-watch 1×05 ‘Guilt’ for all the good stuff) Who won the Victoria vs Emily battle this week? Is Daniel as awful as his father? Should Aiden and Jack just kiss and be done with it? And is the faux-pregnancy a new low for Emily? Comments: below. GO!
Revenge hits the pause button for (checks calendar) THREE WEEKS?!?! and returns Sunday, December 8 at 9pm EST on ABC. Hold onto your clutch purses because the next episode, ‘Surrender’ looks like a doozy