This week American Horror Story finally embraces its batsh*t crazy inner self as everyone joins in a lively game of “who’s the biggest psycho?” The correct answer is: everyone.
Let’s bitch it out…Let it never be said that American Horror Story: Coven isn’t entertaining. While I can’t say that I’ve enjoyed the gong-show antics of the witches as much as I did the lunatics in last year’s much darker asylum, ‘Protect The Coven’ proves that the wacky ladies at Robichaux Academy are nothing if not completely insane. And that should be taken as a compliment because this may just be my favourite episode of the season.
With only two outings left in the current cycle, things are quickly coming to a head. Or is it more appropriate to simply say that the bodies are beginning to hit the floor? Last week Misty Day (Lily Rabe, unseen) was entombed (she’ll likely be back next week) and Nan was drowned. This week Queenie (Gabourey Sibide) returns and she lays it all out (and in to Sarah Paulson’s Cordelia): in the short time since she’s been gone the coven has lost two girls and the coven completely sucks. Which…is correct. If you look at it statistically, the odds of these girls living to see the finale is slim; people are just as likely to perish from threats external (the witchhunters) as internal (Jessica Lange’s Fiona and Angela Bassett’s Laveau, who make quite the scheming pair).
All right, if we’re being honest, the threat has always been entirely internal. Before Fiona, Laveau and the Axeman (Danny Huston) laid waste to Renard (Michael Cristofer) and the CEOs in the boardroom, the witch hunters only killed a single witch and that was because Hank went off-script. If, however, you look at the witches who have died at the hands of witches, Fiona has a hand in all but one* (in addition to the former Supreme, she’s killed Emma Roberts’ Madison, Frances Conroy’s Myrtle and Nan). With two episodes remaining and only the bodies of the Robichaux girls standing between Fiona and her happy ending with the Axeman, Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) – and Kyle (Evan Peters) – are smart to run. It may be a toss-up as to whether or not they’re better off in Epcot <shudder>, but at least they’re far away from the madness.
*I’m referring to Madison’s “murder” of Misty, whom – as I’ve said – I don’t believe is truly dead.
Let’s be honest, ‘Protect The Coven’ is full of crazy.The entire post-credits sequence is spent bouncing around the sociopathic mind of Delphine (Kathy Bates), who explains that her fascination with anatomy led her to experiment on animals and then slaves. Later Madison and Zoe nearly come to fatal blows in a catfight over Kyle that ends with Madison calling Myrtle “Carrot Top”. After her confrontation with Queenie, Cordelia decides to sacrifice her eyes with giant scissors to regain the second sight and Spalding (Denis O’Hare) tricks Delphine into taking on Laveau using Benadryl so he can kidnap the baby to use as a living doll! Nearly everything in this hour is chock-a-block madness, almost as if the writers decided to crank the crazy meter past the boiling point. Hell, even the most random scenes had weirdness and insanity embedded into them (exhibit a: Laveau casually texting and taking pictures with her cell during the witch hunter massacre). This episode was completely over the top, completely insane and completely enjoyable.
Yes, please, give me more.
- Initially I tried to focus and pay attention during Myrtle’s attempt to get Zoe to hock her jewelry and get the hell out of dodge, but her rambling soliloquy about Lee Radziwill and Diane Von Furstenberg made no sense to me. Seriously what the eff was that? Admittedly, though, coming out of Conroy’s mouth it was certainly melodious (or was that just the Theremin?).
- There are a number of epic battles brewing in the lead-up to the finale and while the Delphine vs Laveau battle may already be over (what with Laveau is out of commission thanks to Spalding), I’ve still got my fingers crossed that we’ll see Myrtle and Fiona duel. I don’t think Myrtle would survive, but considering the way they’ve attacked each other verbally throughout the season (and tonight on the stairs outside of Cordelia’s room), it would still be something to behold. I’m imagining something like the conclusion to Willow…but that’s just me.
- Things I never thought I’d see/hear on TV: Angela Bassett yell at a baby, Jessica Lange spray perfume on her cooch and Kathy Bates serve poo soup to a table of women. Thanks American Horror Story – now all of my dreams have come true!
- Finally, as he does each year, co-creator Ryan Murphy has embedded easter eggs about next season in this week and last week’s episodes. The popular theory on the message boards is that the 1950s setting will tie into the McCarthy “witch hunts”. Perhaps the season will end up being a little more sci-fi? (The recurring presence of the Theremin may offer a clue since it was featured heavily in monster films of the time, which were Hollywood metaphors for fears of Communism).
- Laveau (when Queenie complains they left her for dead): “Oh girl, I thought you were! Come over here” Her delivery is SO fantastically campy!
- Madison (telling Myrtle how she’ll lead the coven into the future): “Crotchless panties for everyone”
- Myrtle (when Zoe asks if she’s meant to wear Myrtle’s jewelry): “Oh sweetie, no, you could never pull it off”
- Laveau (ordering a drink from the Axeman): “Spriiiiite”
Your turn: what do you think Delphine will do with Laveau? Will we see a battle between Myrtle and Fiona? Will Zoe and Kyle get away? Has Cordelia’s second sight returned? And who will Fiona kill next? Post your hypotheses in the comments below
American Horror Story: Coven airs Wednesdays at 10pm EST on FX. Click below for the spoilery preview