January comes to an end, but the dreadful movies continue.
Let’s bitch it out…
It’s been a long month, but our suffering has yet to come to an end. I’m talking about bad movies, folks, and we’ve got another week of them. Why does Hollywood hate us?!
Jan 27, 2017
A Dog’s Purpose (Wide)
- Cast: Britt Robertson (The Secret Circle), Josh Gad (Frozen)
- Official synopsis: Based on the beloved bestselling novel by W. Bruce Cameron, A Dog’s Purpose shares the soulful and surprising story of one devoted dog (voiced by Gad) who finds the meaning of his own existence through the lives of the humans he teaches to laugh and love.
- Good for fans of: Good Christian Films, Marley & Me, Homeward Bound, PETA campaigns
- Is it worth your time? It looks a bit saccharine for my tastes, though live action family films are a hit and miss affair. Still, it’s hard not to groan at some of the dumb jokes on display in the trailer and there’s a dark undercurrent if you consider that the film is essentially one big dead dog film. Throw in the controversy about the TMZ video and this one suddenly has the stink of failure written all over it, regardless of the quality of the film.
- Cast: Matthew McConaughey (Amistad), Bryce Dallas Howard (Terminator Salvation), Toby Kebbell (Planet of the Apes)
- Official synopsis: Kenny Wells (McConaughey), a prospector desperate for a lucky break, teams up with a similarly eager geologist and sets off on an amazing journey to find gold in the uncharted jungle of Indonesia. Getting the gold was hard but keeping it is even more difficult, sparking an adventure through the most powerful boardrooms of Wall Street.
- Good for fans of: Subpar imitations of American Hustle
- Is it worth your time? Despite a solid supporting cast and what appears to be an in-depth transformation by McConaughey, reviews are middling and the film looks serviceable, nothing more. If the trailer intrigues you, it could be worth your while.
Moana (Sing-Along Re-Issue)
- Cast: Dwayne The Rock Johnson (Tooth Fairy)
- Official synopsis: Same Moana as before, only with sing-along lyrics for all your Disney lyrics pleasure
- Good for fans of: Umm…Moana?
- Is it worth your time? Sure, if you have kids. A sing-a-long sounds like a nightmare for anyone simply interested in watching the movie. If you haven’t already seen it, beware.
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (Wide)
- Cast: Milla Jovovich (Ultraviolet), Ali Larter (Varsity Blues), Ruby Rose (xXx: Return of Xander Cage)
- Official synopsis: Picking up immediately after the events in Resident Evil: Retribution, Alice (Jovovich) is the only survivor of what was meant to be humanity’s final stand against the undead. Now, she must return to where the nightmare began – The Hive in Raccoon City, where the Umbrella Corporation is gathering its forces for a final strike against the only remaining survivors of the apocalypse.
- Good for fans of: Every other Resident Evil (obvs)
- Is it worth your time? Oh sure. If you’re a fan of the series, you’ve suffered through enough garbage iterations to see the franchise through to the end. Like Underworld, however, if you’re not already onboard, this isn’t going to change your mind.
Next week: February arrives with two new wide releases – one horror, one sci-fi.