Let’s bitch it out…With T-minus 24 hours left on the clock before Emily (Emily VanCamp) gets gunned down at her own wedding, Revenge pauses for a bit of contemplative reflection before the special day. There are still oh so many little details to address before the ship sails, including giving the adulterous ho-bag with the giant moon eyes the heave ho, ensuring that your future mother-in-law is aware she’s due to become a grandmother, and dealing with the unexpected party crasher who knows you’re a lying fraud. Why, if this wasn’t taking place in the sunny Hamptons, I might have just described my own December weekend.
In all seriousness, ‘Surrender’ spends a lot of time setting up the playing board before next week’s finale. Lydia is the main wrinkle: Emily had no way of planning for her arrival, nor is she aware of the waves her father’s old secretary sends through most of the Grayson family. I’m of the opinion (and this episode confirms it for me) that Lydia isn’t actually much of a challenge. The bitch makes a great entrance, but after that her venomous whispers don’t hold a candle to Victoria (Madeleine Stowe) and her power-plays can’t match Emily’s or even Conrad’s (Henry Czerny). Hell, even Margaux (Karine Vanasse) sees through her when she calls the blonde out for using her return to hook up with Conrad. Despite finding the ill-fated picture of NYE 2002 that once sent her plummeting off a rooftop, Lydia doesn’t appear to have a lot of moves left to play. Her problematic existence will persist, but in my fantasy Revenge death pool, she’s tied for first as the individual most likely to walk the plank next week.
Her chief competitor is poor, gentle, damaged Sara (Annabelle Stephenson) – the country bumpkin princess we all wish that Daniel (Josh Bowman) had killed in a DUI a few years ago. I’ve accepted that Sara is a walking, talking plot device, but it doesn’t make me grit my teeth less when she shows up to whine and cry about how Daniel does or doesn’t love her and how she is or isn’t leaving. Stop threatening and just go! Of course, Daniel can’t abandon Emily for Sara now that he’s a baby daddy because Sara knows how much single parent families are messed up (umm…so what’s his excuse? Oh right, he wants to correct the mistakes Victoria made raising him…because no one has ever said that to their parents and then gone on to make all the same mistakes). All of this to say that Sara is all tears and flailing and leaving, so she’ll clearly end up on the damn wedding boat next week. And if there is a Santa*, she’ll get an oar, or a speargun, or a shotgun blast to the face in the process.
And then she’ll be eaten by sharks.
*Oh, and if there are angels and I’ve been extra good this year, please include Charlotte (Christa B. Allen) on this festive kill-list. The moment she flip-flops on her plans to ruin Daniel and Emily’s wedding because of how much it “hurt Daniel” makes me hate her even more than I normally do. And regular readers know that that is A LOT.
- I love how Emily manufactures the moment when Victoria learns of her pregnancy by initiating a physical confrontation with Lydia. It makes you wonder what Emily would have been if she weren’t busy with the REVENGE! business. Probably a party planner or some other detail oriented professional.
- Nolan’s (Gabriel Mann) post-REVENGE! plans include taking up spelunking. Not sure how the double-popped collar will fare in those circumstances. By which I mean I hate them! Gah, I can’t take it anymore!
- In case you’ve forgotten, Jack (Nick Wechsler) still exists. And he’s still a widower. And his brother is still dead. But that’s all cool because Margaux totally loves him and doesn’t care about how Conrad killed everyone he loves. Doesn’t care at all. She definitely won’t dig into those juicy accusations! Yeah…that promise should hold up for at least two seconds or so.
- Can we talk about the character rehabilitation the writers are trying to pull with Daniel? So now he apparently didn’t sleep with lemur eyes back in ‘Secrecy’, despite every sign before now suggesting they copulated. Honestly this feels like an attempt to make Daniel seem like less of a cheating a-hole and the fact that it’s happening after the fact makes it feel like a retcon. #Sorrynotbuyingit
- Finally, Emily’s engaged, y’all! Only this time she didn’t have to fake her enthusiasm
(just her orgasm)to get the finger rock. When all of this is done, Em and Aiden (Barry Sloane) are going to ride off on horseback to a place where they can knock back sake and wear khaki clam daggers forever and forever. You know, I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think these two crazy kids may just work out.
Or, you know, maybe not.
- Victoria (when Emily refuses a drink): “Don’t tell me that you’ve become a weight obsessed bride. The wedding is two days away. The damage has been done”
- Victoria (to Conrad when he solicits fashion advice how to avoid clashing with her): “No tie in the world could accomplish that”
- Emily (when Victoria visits): “Victoria, to what do I owe this visit? Another empty gift box? Perhaps one for the baby?”
What do you think: who shoots Emily? Given Nolan’s penchant for entrances, can he handle spelunking? Were you surprised Aiden popped the question? Do you think Daniel cheated? And who’s more likely to bite it next week: Lydia, Sara or Charlotte? Contribute your thoughts below
Revenge airs Sundays at 9pm EST on ABC