Every work week should begin with incest, no? There’s certainly a hint of “families that love each other too much” in ‘Family Affair’, an episode that manages to suck less than usual.
Let’s bitch it out…
I’m a little frightened, but I only vehemently hated parts of this episode and other parts kind of intrigued me…or at least didn’t make me want to smash my TV set in a Hulk-like rage. Here are the bullet points:
- From my notes (as Joe abducts a child in the opening): “Oh god, the opening involves the dangers of taking candy from a stranger?” Naturally the “danger” is only temporary because The Following does nothing but trade in dumb fake-outs. So this stupid woman Jana (Leslie Bibb) is just another Follower. Because when Lumberjack Joe Carroll (James Purefoy) comes around, the panties drop.
- Seriously 90210 Niece (Jessica Stroup) is the ONLY good thing about this show right now. Which pretty much guarantees that she’s going to die. Side Note: Did she honestly say that she likes Hardy (Kevin Bacon) in his current state? Someone clearly has daddy/effed up men issues.
- FYI: Lily (Connie Nielsen) is a BILLIONAIRE. A billionaire serial killer. Because that’s who kills people in the world of The Following. And apparently she has a mansion full of French protégés? Because of course she does. What, does she focus her recruiting efforts in France or something?
- Frenchie Gisele (Camille De Prazzis) kills David Roland, Lily’s business partner, in a very Xena Onatopp-sexy/death kinda way. I personally know that when I’m looking to spice up my sex life, I always use the garrote and the blood to get me going.
- Oh god that little bastard Joey just got name dropped. Do not bring that stupid kid back into the show!
- Lily bonds with Emma (Valorie Curry) because they both had woh woh broken families and Joe made them feel like they were/are/will be a part of something. Cliché, cliché, cliché.
- With that said, Nielsen is doing her best to sell this shit. It’s no small feat, but she’s kind of succeeding admirably when she’s not giving off pseudo-incesty vibes with her sons.
- Damn! Hardy almost gets hit by another car. What’s an episode of The Following without Hardy getting run over?!
- Joe teaches Mandy (Tiffany Boone) the difference between people who need to die and people who are helpful. There’s an important lesson here kids, so be sure to pay attention as this may show up on the morality exam.
- Hardy and Mike (Shawn Ashmore) continue their flirtatious banter: this week it’s all about sexy burner phones.
- 90210 Niece gets her ass kicked by French Gisele in the street. Obviously people just take pictures and video with their cell phones. Side Note: Pretty sure you can’t take that many hits to the face / nose without sustaining more than a nosebleed.
- Wow, fuck off – OF COURSE Jana is Mendez’s (Valerie Cruz) lover/sister/whatever. AHHH I hate this kind of convoluted BS and The Following always acts like it’s shocking and amazing. Like how can we take anything seriously when everyone turns out to be a Follower and they’re always connected to the right people and they’re always in the right place at the right time?!
- Finally, Joe meets up with the new batch and meets Slick and Slacker Twins (Sam Underwood) and Lily, who totally dresses up like she thinks Joe is going to bang her. Umm…at least make him trim that ugly beard or something first!
- Lily (to Luke, the Slick Twin): “Don’t be a downer, dear.” You can almost feel the incest.
- Lily (to Luke, as he caresses her arm): “Scars make us more interesting. And sexy.” Nope, wrong on both accounts.
Your turn: was this episode more palatable? Do you secretly hope that Mandy just kills all of the French people at the house and she and Joe disappear into the sunset? Will 90210 Niece somehow hide her presence from Frenchie Gisele despite only being three seats away? Will Mike’s unrequited love for Hardy ever get consummated? And when will Lily, the twins and Joe make sweet, sweet love? Sound off below.
The Following airs Mondays at 9pm EST on FOX