After a so-so return last week, The Following immediately descends back into shitville with an episode filled with reminders of all of the things it does so poorly. The hate-watching is back on, folks!
Let’s bitch it out…WHY IS THIS SHOW SO BAD?! I apologize for yelling, but forseriously…I just can’t understand how someone wrote this thinking that they’re making good TV. Or how the series has recruited talented people to act in it? But enough of the complete sentences (that only comes out for genuine reviews and this show in no way deserves a legitimate review). Here’s a rundown of my notes:
- What is Arlene from True Blood, Lisbeth on The Good Wife and Grace from Person Of Interest doing on this show? Noooo, Carrie Preston! What are they blackmailing you with?
- French Girl (Camille De Pazzis) wants to kill Black Guy, refuses to speak in english. This concludes their contributions to this episode. Thanks for coming out.
- First random murder of the night. Women of NY let this be a warning to you: if you accept flowers, you will be killed. And your husband will be killed. And your child will be locked in a closet by a man in an oversized James Purefoy mask
- Showing the twins (Sam Underwood) cooking only serves to remind me how much I can’t wait for Hannibal to come back. Why does The Following think we like these kinds of “extended killers speechifying” scenes? They feel like gratuitous filler. What is this, Criminal Minds?
- “I’d offer to help you, but we’re in an iffy place right now.” Is 90210 (Jessica Stroup) dating Hardy (Kevin Bacon) or parenting him?
- I don’t understand why Hardy continues to refuse to involve the police. A) It’s unrealistic that he wouldn’t get in shit-tons of trouble and B) it just makes him seem like a lunatic, not a Dirty Harry renegade. Part of me wishes this house was booby trapped like Home Alone. It would make sense considering how often Hardy falls down the stairs, no?
- Judy’s (Preston) daughter Mandy (Tiffany Boone) is trying to figure out what turned Carroll (James Purefoy) into a serial killer: video games? Horror movies? At least the writers have the good sense to rip-off dialogue from series creator Kevin Williamson’s best work (that line of inquiry is lifted from Scream…circa 1996…as in 17 years ago)
- Mike (Shawn Ashmore) describing the posed victims at the crime scene: “They’re playing house” – Way deep Mike. Clearly someone paid attention in Psych 101 at the academy.
- Back in the Stix, Mandy smacks the pervy/intrusive Reverend…because apparently people literally cannot stop turning into killers around Joe Carroll.
- Hardy loses sight of the twin who is phone baiting him at Lily’s (Connie Nielsen) gala, despite never taking his eyes off of him. Gosh I hate it when the people I’m chasing simply melt away into thin air and no nearby shadows. Oh wait, no I don’t. BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE
- Lily bypasses a velvet rope to wander down a darkened stairwell. Women of NY let this be a warning to you: if you walk down a dark stairwell, you will be attacked by men in oversized James Purefoy masks.
- Hardy shoots one of the twins in the ensuing (re: completely generic) action scene, in which he is inevitably cold-cocked because there are two of them (psych!) Shot twin: “Damn that Ryan Hardy, he just shot me. Ha ha ha”. No, but seriously WTF is this show?
- Oh my god, everyone. Random guy who tried (and failed spectacularly) to protect Lily was stabbed but NOT killed? Has this ever happened on this show (aside from last week with Lily)?
- Hardy apologizes for being an idiot d-bag who refuses to call the cops and takes matters into his own hands at every opportunity. Mike: “Tell it to Mendez. I’m done with you.” – Way harsh, Mike (and, might I add, not at all convincing)
- Carroll (killing the Reverend): “The reality is I am inevitable” – and therein lies one of the major problems with this show. Imagine this episode without all of this bullshit and suddenly it’s a C- turd instead of a D.
- Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Valorie Curry) kinda/sorta/maybe realizes that Joe’s not dead. Is anyone surprised that she’s the last to know? I mean, she never realized that her gay boyfriend enjoyed hooking up with the other guy in S1. Clearly her powers of deduction outside of the personal ads is not all that great.
- Mandy is crying over Reverend’s dead body, but apparently she’s totally down with killing. She’s just worried about Judy’s reaction when she returns from a night of boning for bucks. Man this show is awful
Thoughts on episode 2? Glad Joe is back? Wanna see the twins kill more people (maybe a dog? Or an elderly couple they can pretend are their grandparents!) How will Mike register his disapproval next week? How many times with Hardy pursue cultists without informing the police? Ladies, have you figured out that The Following thinks you’re to blame if you’re targeted by killers who wear giant James Purefoy masks? Sound off below
The Following airs Mondays at 9pm EST on FOX