Check in throughout the day today starting at 1pm Eastern time as we live-blog our Holiday Movie Marathon. On the queue: White Christmas, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, The Vicar of Dibley: The Christmas Lunch Incident, Christmas in Connecticut, Scrooged, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Watch along or contribute your own holiday movie memories!
Refresh often for updates!
1:14pm: Alright, we’re up and running. White Christmas (Curtiz, 1954) is up first. I’d completely forgotten that Bing Crosby sings “White Christmas” right at the start of the film. Definitely wishing I had the Blu-Ray 🙁
1:21: There’s a post-modern queer reading to be done on the relationship between Bing and Danny Kaye. Why doesn’t Bing want to settle down?
1:26: BF asks if Rosemary Clooney is George Clooney’s grandmother (Update: Apparently she is – my bad!) . Lol. Ohhh – time for “Sisters.” I always think of yellowwait when I hear this song!
Do we have time for a dance sequence? Of course! (P.S. Who the hell is providing the chorus?). They’re both amazing dancers, though. Holy cow
1:46: “Snow.” Such a silly little song, but it kinda makes the movie for me.
1:48: BF proves my point: “This song is dumb.” Ha ha. There’s a drinking game for every time they say “snow.”
1:52: Mary Wilkes has great delivery. Bing: “Where do you keep the snow?” Wilkes: “We take it in during the day.”
1:54: My advice to the Haynes sisters: You’ll need more than one song. As great as “Sisters” is, third time isn’t exactly the charm.
1:57: “Like any decent housekeeper I listen in on the other line”. Oh Mary Wilkes
2:02: The Minstrel number is strange (Mr. Bones/Mandy). Vera-Ellen is waaaay too skinny and Guy Smiley is a little creepy. BF: Why is she wearing grandma panties?
2:06: Love the knowing looks between Vera-Ellen and Danny Kaye every time Bing and Rosemary Clooney get close together.
2:12: 1954 Double entendre…Clooney to Crosby: “I know exactly what I want to eat”. Way to recover after the General c*ck-blocks the romance there.
2:16: Update on why Vera-Ellen is so skinny: she’s believed to have suffered from anorexia. In the 50s she had the “smallest waist in Hollywood.” Oh balls…we’re up to the Choreography number
2:23: Oh no – here comes the mandatory misunderstanding…
2:29: The down period of the film as Kaye and Ellen hatch their (not so phoney) marriage plan
2:35: Love how the girls are all made up for bed
2:41: They don’t make clubs like The Carousel Club anymore…
2:43: Rosemary Clooney’s dress (and glittery gloves) are pretty impressive. Her 4 gay back-up dancers…not so much
2:49: If she’s so angry at him, why is Betty watching Bob on the Ed Harrison show? P.S. How awkward would it be to watch this song on TV? Why is this famous guy singing about unemployed Generals?
2:54: I usually cry at the moment that all the guys surprise the General. There’s something about a proud man with tears in his eyes that just gets me
2:57: Showtime! Bing’s about to get his own surprise as Clooney returns
3:01: It’s snowing (and there’s a horse drawn carriage? Seriously?!)
3:11: Sooo…we misplanned and have a 1 hr time gap. Babes in Toyland (Donohue, 1961) fills in. Why don’t they list Annette Funicello’s last name? There’s something very strange about how they break the fourth wall and how it’s clearly a show filmed before an audience…
3:17: Tavern maids come out to dance. BF: Who are these sluts? They look like the town hookers
3:20 Introduction of Barnaby. I love the over the top cartoonishness. The set design is pretty fun
3:30: My father used to call her Annette Big-Tits…which seems quite accurate.
3:39: Three of us make fun of the ridiculousness of a scene in which they tell of Annette’s fiancee sinking. Oh wow…the overreacting of this film is Razzie-worthy
3:51: “We can’t do the sum” Five times the Annette featuring 1960s technology! The song is funny because she talks about how she’s too dumb to do math. Female empowerment!
3:57: Racially insensitive gypsy song. One of our friends is in love with the goose puppet 🙂
4:03: Tommy Sands’ gypsy song is pretty amusing.
4:10: We’ve skipped ahead to the toy battle scene to save time (and our one friend’s sanity)
4:18: Alright, we’ve switched it up and are back on schedule with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Roemer & Nagashima, 1964). Everyone is significantly happier with this development.
4:23: It’s never clear why the nose is so bad. Why would it prevent him from becoming a member of Santa’s team?
4:32: There’s some scary gender normativity. I’ll forgive it for the time period, but make sure you talk about it with your kids
4:46: Halloween costume alert: Yukon Cornelius. Also, Donner is a dick
4:51: No one remembers Azlan being in the movie…
4:53: Awwww, baby animals. And a random Rudolph butt-shot
4:58: “They’re all very sad, but the best thing to do is get the women back to Christmas Town”? Really?!
5:04: Cornelius’ licking fetish and Santa’s proclivity for calling his wife Mama are only two of the weird Freudian symbols in this show
5:42: Watching Vicar of Dibley. Love the four lunches (the brussel sprout eat-off, the mom’s “Is it?”). British humour…so clever
6:26: Mid-way through Christmas in Connecticut (Godfrey, 1945) – I love Barbara Stanwyck. Probably too much
6:33: Barbara’s discomfort bathing a baby is pretty hilarious. And that is a fat baby…
6:44: Mr. Yardley, the publisher, is trying to sweet talk the fiancee into having a second baby to boost readership. Baby politics…in the words of one guest: “This man has no shame.”
6:57: Fiancee sent to bed unmarried: “Really Elizabeth, how will I sleep tonight?” One guest suggests masturbation. Oh dear…that rocking chair has sex handles. Who outfitted this house, S&M monthly?
7:00: Oh no, baby switch! Mr. Yardley notices the switch, but of course she talks him out of it
7:06: 7:10: Uh oh…Mr. Yardley might be catching on to her interest in the G.I., Jones. And the horse leading the carriage just takes off without prompt. I always found that funny
7:16: Oh big comedy of errors coming up: the baby has been “stolen” and Elizabeth and Jones were arrested
7:22: Truth about the marriage and the babies comes out (why are the babies so big?!)
7:24: Oh no! Elizabeth has found out that Jones is engaged. What will happen?! What will happen?! Oh wait…the nurse got married to someone else (Stinky?) and Jones is free? What will happen now?!
7:27: Felix convinces Yardley to keep Elizabeth (he’s such a good liar): He’s giving her job back for kidneys. Kidneys for breakfast…blah
7:33: So we’re all in agreement: She can’t cook. But hey…that’s fine because she’s got a man
7:38: Up next is Scrooged! (Donner, 1988). I’m already loving the 80s power suits
7:45: Ugh – Bill Murray’s drinking TAB and Stoli. So gross…
7:50: Sign in the gym: ‘Cross – thing they nail people to.’ Wow…that’s inappropriate
7:55: Ghost of Christmas Past. Looks like Weekend at Bernie’s. BF: Funny that a mouse just ran by considering they talked about programming for cats earlier
7:59: Aww, Karen Allen. Remember when she was still relevant?
8:01: I’m sorry but an old woman dying from one of your promos would be great publicity. Obviously Frank is supposed to be a bad ass S.O.B, but he would get a lot of praise for it.
8:08: Oh hey Lex’s dad (from Smallville). That is a great hairdo John Glover
8:15: The small moments of slapstick are actually really amusing. Watching Bill Murray fall or walk into objects is always enjoyable
8:30: Bill Murray walking around yelling? Not as funny as they think. Oh, and one of the homeless guys looks like Jean Charest. Tres random
8:32: Is that black woman a drag queen? Wig and blue eye shadow…things that make you go hmm
8:36: Never noticed the sign the Ghost of Christmas Present is standing next to reads ‘The Ballbreaker Suite’
8:43: Ohhhh a VCR! That would have been a great gift back in 1988 (when Scrooged! was made). Also, Carol Kane hitting Bill Murray = genius
8:44: 8:55: Love Karen Allen’s chic future funeral attire. Also, that mausoleum is hella large
8:58: Raspberries between work colleagues is not condoned. Especially when one has been drinking all day and probably reeks
9:03: Oh my – he just kicked a cat! That’s mad…
9:10: Meh The everyone sings along finale is definitely too schmaltzy. It also plays like the end of Saturday Night Live
9:20: Next up: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (Checik, 1989). And wow, Juliette Lewis is in this?
9:25: Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks like Bellatrix Lestrange with her big late 80s hair. Is it bad that we’re laughing at these hilariously awful jokes (which confession are not awful, but merely predictably). The sap joke was pretty good though: catching both her hair and the lamp shade in bed 😛
9:32: Oh man, and the son is Johnny Galecki? That’s weird
9:36: Creepy neighbours Poll: Greased and slicked back or puffy and piled high? So many looks to rock
9:41: Ugh – what’s with that weird yin-ying boob dress? In between low-brow jokes, all we can do is make fun of Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ wardrobe
9:45: That’s a really big moon
When the outside lights go on and off (with the neighbours simultaneously falling and breaking things), the musical choice is spot on. I’d forgotten how horrible looking it is (that would be such an eyesore!)
9:59: Oh Randy Quaid: “Don’t forget the rubber sheets and the gerbils.” How…lovely. And then he’s wearing a dickie (fake turtleneck)
10:03: Why does Oswald’s boss have an hourglass collection?
10:07: And Oswald has giant pears in his office. What the hell kinda company is this again?
10:10: “Shitting bricks.” It’s always funny when kids swear in movies
10:15: “How can they have nothing for their children for Christmas?” “Well he’s been out of work for almost 7 years.”
10:16: Dennis Quiad buys Doggie Chow at the Walmart: That’s 2 degrees of separation from Showgirls
10:19: Shakes the box and it meows. “She doesn’t have a lot of money so, she takes things from around the house and wraps them up.” Sound effects can be so funny
10:22: The turkey is so dry it sounds like they’re eating ice cubes.
10:24: Beverly D’angelo’s top is pretty risque there (Goes well with the oddly poofy skirt?)
10:29: Ugh…the whole pool/bonus thing is too predictable and sad. It just feels like too much after the tree just went up in flames, too.
1037: Oh, dog/squirrel destruction. And of course Julia Louis gets the squirrel in the chest, followed promptly by the dog
10:44: Christmas schmaltz: Oswald’s boss gives him a 20% raise. The S.W.A.T. team bursting in the door and windows at the same time is a nice juxtaposition, though. Side Note: Why does Helen, Frank’s wife, look like a 90s Lady Gaga?
10:52: Final show of the night: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas special. I heart these guys
10:55: Cheezies in a purse? That’s kinda gross
1100: Love that Mac’s father has a teardrop tattoo. And his girlie scream when he gets a cabbage patch doll and then we realize that they were stealing other people’s parents
11:06: Ha ha – and Charlie finds out that his mom was a ho for multiple Santa johns. And he got high on rubber cement . “Those Santas were running a train on your mom for money.” Lol
11:10: Danny DeVito sewn into the couch is pretty silly. Naked Danny DeVito coming out of the couch is f*cking hilarious
11:17: Charlie to Santa: “Did you f*ck my mom, Santa?” And then he bites him and his mouth is covered in blood. And Mac elbows a woman in the face and knocks her out
11:23: Nice – Frank ends up in Rudolph-esque claymation with Hermes the elf and racist raisins.
11:27: The abusive singing and plate throwing on the street is fun
11:33: And so our marathon begins with the gang throwing rocks at a train.
Well, thanks it folks. Thanks to those of you who checked in throughout the day!
You do know that Rosemary Clooney is George Clooney’s aunt, right?