Queer.Horror.Movies

The curated portfolio of film journalist Joe Lipsett

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E016 – “This Is Chinatown”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/bHdJswjmpcw

S01E016: “Tattoo”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Tommy Chen (Leonard Chow), a compulsive gambler in Chinatown, acquires tattoo needles that enable him to win big as long as someone else loses their life.

  • Director: “Tales Of The Undead” director Lyndon Chubbuck returns for his second episode
  • Writer: Stephen Katz, the writer of Cupid’s Quiver“” (aka the Atom Egoyan episode) returns for his second Friday episode, along with newcomer Dan DiStefano (he would go on to write for The Karate Kid TV series)
  • Famous Guest Star: Keye Luke, the actor who plays Grandfather Chen, plays Mr. Wing in the Gremlins sequel

The animated tattoo

Cursed Antique of the Week: A set of Chinese tattoo needles whose tattoos come to life and kill to give the tattooist good luck

Setting: The opium dens and gambling halls of Chinatown

Best Death: Tommy’s acquaintance is about to hit Ryan (John D. LeMay) when a monster arm punches through his chest Alien-style and chokes him to death. It’s nonsensical, but fun

Quirkiest Add-On: You can clearly see the Toronto streetcar in the background of a street scene. Scarily they haven’t changed since ’87!

Character Bits: Lewis Vendredi is revealed to be a terrible “deal with the devil” antiques vendor considering the box of tattoos literally reads “Great evil” on the outside

Corny Finish Line: “No, I’m not a healer. But I’ve always been very interested in the art.” Jack (Chris Wiggins) is truly a student of the world, isn’t he?

80s Fashion Closet: It’s clearly late fall or early winter when they shot this episode and there are plenty of exterior scenes, so most everyone is wearing trench coats. Still, Micki (Louise Robey)’s hair now has bangs, which is…something. The best look, however, has to be the cocktail waitress in the opening scene, whose wig looks straight out of BladeRunner

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Nada. I’m starting to get fidgety!

The Chen family dynamic works well

What Works…

After “Vanity’s Mirror” delivered a series best, it’s only natural that “Tattoo” would feel like a lesser episode. And yet, it acquits itself decently with an intriguing story that leans into the relationship of Chinese families. Tommy may be a self-destructive narcissist, but his Grandfather’s willingness to protect him out of tradition is an unique family dynamic that we haven’t seen on the series before. The Chen family focus, however, means that “Tattoo” dedicates less screen time for the Curious Goods team, so audience mileage may vary based on how invested they are in these one-off characters.

Also: the animated tattoos that turn into (mostly) creepy crawlies are kind of a cool twist on what could have been a rote cursed object of the week. You can definitely see the residual influence of “Tales Of The Undead” here.

The opium den is BEYOND offensive

What Doesn’t Work…

An 80s episode set in Chinatown raised some immediate red flags as the representation of minorities by white writers on genre television is fraught with tension (looking at you, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues). Although the family conflicts within the Chen family are handled delicately, there are a lot of other offensive stereotypes at play in “Tattoo.” The worst offender is the inclusion of a fucking opium den and a Chinese character who — naturally — uses kung fu when he fights Ryan. The resulting cultural depiction of Chinese characters is…not great at best and downright offensive at worst.

Besides the problematic depiction of the Chinese community, the cursed object — the tattoo needles — are also quite bland. I gave credit to the animated tattoos in the pro column above, but expanding beyond this episode, we’ve already seen several iterations (some bad, some good) of a cursed object that is exchanges murder for profit. It’s a tad disconcerting that Friday The 13th is already recycling variations of the same narrative so early in its run.

Alien FTW!

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Whoa – check out the hair on “Lady Luck” at the table in the opening scene
  • Considering how integral gambling is to this episode, it would have been interesting to spend a little more time on the actual game that’s being played since it’s not poker or craps like usual
  • Tommy borrowed money from Frankie Chow (Harvey Chow) at double the interest a week? Yikes – this kid really was desperate
  • I’ll confess that I’ve never understood how loan sharks profit from hurting people. Frankie gives Tommy “a short week – 24 hours” to get all of his money back to him which is clearly not going to pan out (at least not without magic!). I’m unsure how Frankie would ever get his $$$ back on this deadline; it’s not as though Tommy has collateral or a plan to come up with the funds
  • The location scout who sold the production team on this factory-like “basement” where all of the murders are committed should be scolded. There is absolutely no way that this space exists underneath a Chinatown club. The reality is that that place would be the size of a small den
  • The woman who is killed with the white wig gives me all kinds of Big Trouble in Little China vibes, which also feels kinda racist
  • I’m unsure about the moment when Tommy and his Grandfather have their first fight and Tommy punches him. That seems like a very extreme reaction that would have been better saved for later on (ie: when Tommy breaks the family bowls right before the climax)
  • “I need those needles. Those needles are my life!” may be the funniest line of dialogue in this episode
  • That opium den scene? Just ugh
  • I just can’t when Micki complains about the basket of crabs that Ryan traded for information. C’mon Micki, that basket would have been hella expensive and those crabs look delicious
  • I appreciated the fact that it is revealed that you don’t need “skill” to operate the tattoo needles (just “magic”) because the resulting designs look very intricate and professional
  • It’s pretty evident from the moment that Tommy’s sister, Linda (Mung-Ling Tsui) tells Micki where Tommy gambles that she’s going to wind up on the chopping block. I suppose it’s better than Micki being the one in danger like always
  • The moment where Ryan discovers the first woman’s body stuffed in the basement and Tommy’s friend attacks him did not work for me. Unless he didn’t actually see the body, it makes no sense for this guy to automatically begin fighting
  • Frankie tells the Curious Goods crew “What brings you to a part of town where you’re not wanted?” and later “We have our own customs, our own ways”. This is another uncomfortable depiction of casual racism because it infers that white people are automatically considered outsiders by Chinese people
  • Also: I didn’t know whether to groan or clap when the crew use fucking fireworks to open the locked door
  • The “very high risk” game turns out to be Russian Roulette, which doesn’t exactly fit with the cultural specificity of the episode. Also: how would Frankie profit off this game (aside from being able to provide a really dumb person to play)? The game is 50/50 luck, so those are pretty bad odds
  • Does Grandfather Chen give Jack a healing blowgun? I’m confused
  • I enjoy that Micki’s entire contribution in the finale involves shouting Tommy’s name before he inadvertently blows his own brains out. I suppose it’s still more than Ryan does

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode seventeen: “The Electrocutioner”, which is going to break my autocorrect

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avnsTQ7g1EM

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E15 – “The Only Way To Take You To Prom Is On A Leash!”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/Q8Y1UDwGDGE

S01E015: “Vanity’s Mirror”

Wikipedia Plot Summary:An unattractive girl (Ingrid Veninger) uses a magic compact to make boys who insult her fall in love with her, then kills them to make them stop pestering her. (Sidebar: This description is hilariously on point)

  • Director: Thank god William Fruet (“The Inheritance“, “Scarecrow“) is back
  • Writer: This is the only credit for Ira Levant (story), while Roy Sallows kicks off the first of many Friday teleplays
  • Famous Guest Star: Veninger would go on to become a successful Canadian producer and writer

Cursed Antique of the Week: A gold compact that makes men fall in love with the owner

Setting: Lincoln High School

Best Death: While Greg (Zack Ward)’s trash compactor death is great in theory, the execution is sadly quite bloodless. That leaves Russel (Simon Reynolds)’s death by bandsaw — complete with a massive vertical spray of blood on the wall next to startled Helen — the next best option

Quirkiest Add-On: There’s a trash compactor on the roof of the school because, of course…

Character Bits: Jack (Chris Wiggins) carries a Swiss Army knife, which is super handy when he needs to cut down teenagers hanged in their bedrooms

Corny Finish Line: Considering the bleak outcome and the open ending, there is definitely no corny finish

80s Fashion Closet: OMG this episode is set at a high school during prom season, so there’s no shortage of crazy options to pick from. Obviously Helen’s monstrous teale taffeta dress and accompanying giant bow is AMAZING, but once again, I’ve got to go with a Micki (Louise Robey) selection: her collection of outrageous hats, including a huge (potentially felt?) beret is amazing

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Micki seems far more concerned about Ryan (John D. LeMay) than Jack is, but that’s understandable given the way that she and Jack divide up their search

Teen murderess Helen pulls off some hardcore kills

What Works…

Maybe it’s the red wine talking, but this episode kicked all kinds of ass! What begins as another tired cursed antique that gives the owner power over members of the opposite sex (which <sigh> is so boringly heteronormative) turns out to be something much darker and more depraved.

Credit Ingrid Veninger for her memorably unhinged, unflinching performance as Helen. Her glee at dispatching the high school bullies who mock her is matched only by her insatiable appetite for her sister Joanne (Gwendoline Pacey)’s hot boyfriend Scott (David Orth, in the first of three different appearances on the series). Initially it seems as though Helen is just another one-dimensional villain, but the unabashed relish she takes in murder (or near murder in the case of Joanne) is unparalleled on the series. She is hardcore and it’s a lot of fun to watch.

“Vanity’s Mirror” also strikes a really interesting balance between its horror and its (likely unintentional) comedy. Watching Ryan try to dodge the light from the vanity using his bag is, if we’re being honest, totally fucking hilarious. As are the scenes where rats crawl over his unconscious body when he falls from the railing. These oddball moments are juxtaposed by really, really dark moments of violence, including the scene when Joanne is strung up in her bedroom, or the shocking force of impact of the opening murder when a businessman is killed by a fire escape ladder. This violence is MUCH darker than most of the other episodes we’ve seen, which tend to pull back or mute the intensity of the murders.

I wonder to what extent director William Fruet had? It’s becoming increasingly clear that his episodes are among the best of the series, to the point that when I see his name in the credits, my expectations immediately increase. Here, once again, the direction, particularly of the action sequences, is much more visually dynamic and clear (sometimes the low production budget is evident in what the show does and does not show).

Throw in the fact that the Curious Goods crew are unable to save the lives of teenagers or recover the cursed object for the first time, and “Vanity’s Mirror” is a milestone episode.

Poor Joanne just wanted to go to prom!

What Doesn’t Work…

Honestly, between the craziness, the insane fashion and the super dark ending, this episode pretty much worked on every level for me. It’s one of the series’ best!

Scott and Helen take a final fatal plunge in the episode’s grim conclusion

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • The episode opens with yet another nighttime flower vendor. This is NOT A THING, Friday The 13th!
  • The businessman explains that he used to think Sylvia the flower vendor was “ugly”. Because she wears earmuffs over a hat and a few stray strands of hair are peeking out? I mean, sure, those teeth are a nightmare, but that hardly makes you ugly, right UK peeps?
  • The sound effect of the ladder hitting his face? A+
  • The first sign that this episode is unique is how it subverts expectations. I expected the businessman to be hit by a car because he’s standing in the street when Sylvia flashes him with the light. Instead it is she who is killed by a vehicle after she runs away from the murder scene in the alley
  • Is Helen meant to be ugly because she has acne?
  • In case you were wondering how the Curious Goods crew is faring on their cursed object hunt, we learn that they have recovered 23 objects (10% of the total). This means that they’re collecting 1.5 objects per episode (23 objects in 15 episodes) so it will take them 153 episodes to recover them all. Unfortunately Friday The 13th only runs for 67 episodes, so *spoiler* they’re not going to make it!
  • Those 80s insults, though. The bullies suggest Helen is from “the shallow end of the gene pool” while Scott explains she comes as “part of the package” if he wants to date Joanne. Greg also implies Helen is a dog when he comments that he would take her to prom on a leash. Way harsh, Tai
  • I probably wasn’t listening closely, but I didn’t realize Helen and Joanne were sisters until waaaay later in the episode
  • There’s something exceptionally grim about the way Helen dispatches Greg in the rooftop (?) trash compactor, but this death is too bloodless. It needs some gore
  • Micki’s efforts to recover the vanity at Helen’s place is exceptionally misguided. She comes on way too strong right off the bat! I would have slammed the door in her face, too
  • Can we talk about Russel’s frizzy-haired ponytail? Because wow…that is something
  • The death by bandsaw moves this episode from “good” to “great” in the space of a single blood splatter. That is some full-on slasher shit there and I am here for it
  • Ryan dodging those rays and yelling at Helen to stop it may be the funniest sequence of the series thus far. It’s highly amusing watching a high school teen threaten him to near death with a beam of light!
  • Also: the rat wrangler needed to do a lot more to make those rats look threatening. One appeared to be whispering into his ear “where’s the cheese?”

Helen’s look in “Vanity’s Mirror” as the inspiration for Josie Grossie’s prom look in Never Been Kissed

  • Ok, I’m all in on Helen’s prom dress: multiple levels, a matching head bow, a purple rhinestone belt, some pearls and a side ponytail. Holy hell. Now I know where Drew Barrymore’s Josie Grossie flashback prom look from Never Been Kissed comes from
  • Also: WTF is with Micki’s felt beret? That thing must be at least two stories tall
  • The moment when Helen finally turns the vanity on Scott and he roughs Joanne up (pushing her aggressively against the wall, punching her and hanging her in her room!) is shocking. Perhaps it is just because they’re teens, or because she has no idea it’s coming, but what happens to Joanne is genuinely upsetting. These events really reinforce the severity of the violence in this episode. It’s no joke
  • After Micki rescues him from the rats, Ryan screams at Helen from across the gymnasium, which is not exactly what you would call subtle
  • Did anyone notice that Helen’s dress is undone in the back? Is this a mistake by the costume department, or a reflection of the fact that Helen has no one in her life to perform simple tasks, like zipping her up?
  • The scenes of Helen and Scott dancing on the ledge of the roof is a smart second use of an existing set. That American flag isn’t fooling anyone, though. This show is as Canadian as they come
  • The moment Scott and Helen both go over the edge in slow motion is another genuine surprise because it never occurred to me that they might actually die. It’s so dark and so grim. This is the first time our heroes have failed to save an innocent bystander (and it’s a teenager, to boot)
  • Micki freaks out because they do not recover the mirror, which is yet another subverted expectation because they always find the cursed object. Instead the episode ends on an open-ended cliffhanger as a random hand reaches into frame to grab the compact as the credits roll. Does this mean we’ll see the vanity mirror in a future episode? Stay tuned!

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode sixteen: “Tattoo”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHdJswjmpcw

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E14 – “You’re No Phone Men”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/ytkvCcBYN0k

S01E014: “Bedazzled”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: After Jack (Chris Wiggins) and Ryan (John D. LeMay) recover a cursed lantern, the owner — Jonah (Alan Jordan) — tries to get it back by terrorizing Micki (Louise Robey) and her young guest, Richie (Gavin Magrath) at Curious Goods.

  • Director: Alexander Singer, who eventually becomes a major Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine contributor
  • Writer: Both Alfred Sole and Paul Monette are back for their second episode after “Tales Of The Undead “
  • Famous Guest Star: Strangely enough the second fiddle villain, Tom, is played by Prom Night‘s David Mucci

The magic, multi-purpose lantern

Cursed Antique of the Week: A lantern that causes people to spontaneously burst into flame…or it finds buried treasure…or both. It’s kinda unclear

Setting: Curious Goods gets top billing this episode

Best Death: Tie!

  1. One main goes up like a bonfire when he is immolated by the lantern in the first scene
  2. Officer Kennedy (Ratch Wallace) is brutally impaled with a stake from behind

Quirkiest Add-On: Great gory sound effects when Jonah removes the spear from Officer Kennedy’s chest. It sounds wet

Character Bits: Jack mentions a “monsoon in Singapore”, which supports our knowledge that he’s well-traveled

Corny Finish Line: “Kids” Micki mouths after her friend Jenny reveals to Jack and Ryan that she and Richie had anything BUT a nice quiet night at the store

80s Fashion Closet: The high waisted skirt and 3/4 length teale leggings SCREAM 80s to me

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Again, virtually nothing — though this is mainly because the cousins spend the majority of the episode apart

Micki is thankfully allowed to be much more than a damsel in distress

What Works…

Credit Friday The 13th for attempting something different (that isn’t a black & white time travelling vampire narrative). While home invasion films weren’t out of the ordinary in the late 80s, the decision to sideline two-thirds of the main cast and do a single location episode is unique for the show. Even if “Bedazzled”s premise doesn’t have quite enough juice to sustain an entire episode, it’s worth applauding the decision to take this risk.

Considering the ill-will that the series showed Louise Robey in the last episode, it’s nice to see her more or less get her own starring vehicle here. Robey absolutely nails her Final Girl role, too; the end of the episode is essentially one long fight scene between her and Jonah and Micki kicks some serious butt. Watching Micki use her brain and her brawn is incredibly satisfying, particularly after so many episodes that position her as little more than a damsel in distress. Hell, even the fight choreography is good!

Overall, what makes “Bedazzled” stand out is its willingness to experiment with a different narrative structure than the rest of the series. Starting things aboard the ship in media res immediately plunges us into the action and the rest of the episode naturally stems from there. It’s contained and sequential and it works.

Who ordered child endangerment?

What Doesn’t Work…

Admittedly the cursed object is less of a narrative driver than an inciting incident to get Jonah and Tom to Curious Goods. So that’s a bit of a cheat.

The inclusion of a random child is also frustrating. This isn’t the first time that Friday The 13th has introduced a character without any pretext (it occurred most notably with Birdie in “A Cup Of Time“) and it doesn’t feel any less jarring here. It’s hard to muster concern for the pudgy little brat when we’ve only just met him and while Richie acquits himself okay (he’s basically performing one of two roles: hog-tied in the basement or Home Alone-ing with Micki), his inclusion still feels like a bit of a desperate ploy by writers Sole and Monette to up the stakes by putting a child in danger.

Crispy Jonah

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • I definitely confused Jordan for William Mapother at first, so imagine my disappointment when I realized Tom Cruise’s cousin wasn’t the baddie
  • The in media res action sequence really adds great energy to kick off the episode. It’s a solid creative choice that I hope we see more of in the future
  • Also working well: the FX for the lantern immolation
  • It took me a moment but this ship is definitely the same one from Cronenberg’s episode, only it is filmed from the other side
  • Were prank callers really called “breathers” back in the 80s? That kind of sounds like a Tobe Hooper slasher
  • Jonah and Tim literally say the words “gain access to your [Micki’s] master box in the basement”. This is not an euphemism, but I still snickered because I’m basically a 12 years old boy
  • Richie is a brat right from the get-go. Not only does he repeatedly threaten to hide and scare Micki, he’s also a chocolate chip eating fattie. Naturally he immediately winds up being abducted and hog-tied
  • “You’re no phone men.” No shit, Micki
  • “Do you know what skin smells like when it burns?” Wow, this got graphic real quick…except that Jonah proceeds to just mildly burn her hair, which is the opposite of threatening
  • When Jonah prevents Micki from stabbing him, it kinda looks like they’re about to make out
  • Officer Kennedy — aka Officer Red Shirt — is LITERALLY wearing a red hat, which feels a little on the nose. At least he manages to kill Tim before he’s skewered
  • Micki gets locked in the vault with Richie <ugh> but the lack of Veda the doll from the pilot and “The Root Of All Evil” is exceedingly disappointing
  • Kennedy’s death, while predictable, is actually a pretty effective set piece. It has mood and atmosphere and is also surprisingly graphic
  • It’s odd that Micki actually removes the lantern from the vault. Surely it would be easier to just give Jonah what he wants rather than lugging that giant antique around
  • Ooof, the screeching of the doorknob to Micki’s room is the scariest thing in this entire episode. It’s like nails on a blackboard
  • Heh heh, Jonah calls Richie a “pup”. Because he’s fat (get it?)
  • I don’t know that electricity (and electrocution) work the way it does when Jonah gets zapped in the bedroom, though I will give props to Micki and Richie’s ingenuity
  • Also: kudos to the fight choreographer for that kitchen battle because it looks genuinely hardcore
  • Micki tosses Jonah over the bannister, then burns his face to smithereens. I must say the final result looks surprisingly crispy
  • Contrasting Jack and Ryan’s drama about the convention/car breakdown with Micki’s silence is obvious, but still totally works for me. Especially considering that Richie will need years and years and YEARS of therapy to recover from his incident
  • After glancing at the next episode title, I figured that the mirror Micki uses in the climax is the next episode’s cursed antique, but alas it is not! The writers really need to do better with their Easter eggs (by which I mean begin including any)

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode fifteen: “Vanity’s Mirror”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8Y1UDwGDGE&t=2s

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E13 – ““Noooo, I Don’t Wanna Go!”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/vLyKVN7zTCY

S01E013: “The Baron’s Bride”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Micki (Louise Robey) and Ryan (John D. LeMay) are thrown back in 19th-century London along with murderous, hypnotic vampire Frank (Tom McCamus) who has his eyes on Micki.

  • Director: Bradford May — prolific director of many, many episodes of JAG
  • Writer: Larry Gaynor had a very brief career circa 1985-1990 writing for Danger Bay and Seeing Things
  • Famous Guest Star: McCamus, who would go on to guest on Mutant X and Orphan Black

Haunted cape + clasp

Cursed Antique of the Week: A magical cape that makes its wearer irresistible to women AND a clasp that allows time travel when activated by a drop of blood

Setting: London 1875

Best Death: Lead vampire Marie Simmons (Diana Barrington) is staked through the back with her own For Rent sign

Quirkiest Add-On: The switch to black and white to signify the jump into the past

Character Bits: Even fake-ass vampires can sense the incestual pull between the cousins

Corny Finish Line: Writer Abraham (Kevin Bundy) turns out to be Bram Stoker <insert wah wah noise>

80s Fashion Closet: I don’t know if it’s 80s fashion, but that the cowl on that cape looks cheap AF

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Not much, aside from the fact that everyone knows that they’re hot for each other

Poor Tom McCamus

What Works…

Umm, literally nothing. I’m not even being spiteful. This is easily the worst episode of the series (to date).

Louise Robey is saddled with the worst part of her career

What Doesn’t Work…

Everything. Like literally EVERYTHING.

“The Baron’s Bride” is the equivalent of Friday The 13th throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks (A: nothing). Vampires? Sure. Mind controlling cape? Why not! Time travel? Sweet Jebus — of course!

Look, this episode might have been fine with only one of these components. Maaaybe it could have managed two. But all three? No, this is a clusterf*ck.

Where to even begin? The vampire “effects” and cold open at the Simmons house set the tone and that tone is laughable. Everyone is overacting and being kind of ridiculous, like this is a repertory school for novice actors. Then suddenly we’re thrown into a black and white version of the show set in London, UK 1875 (because whaaaaa?) The rest of the episode includes: a) copious amounts of tedious slow-motion running b) a female character, Caitlin (Susannah Hoffmann) whose sole function is to profess her love for her husband and die and c) Louise Robey completely losing all ability to act. It. Is. Painful! Everyone deserves better and no one rises above this dreck.

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

I’ll allow this

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Apparently putting on the cape also means putting on makeup? The minute that Frank puts the cape on, he’s suddenly wearing lipstick and eyeliner
  • House letter Marie is both a vampire and she only speaks in rhymes? Ugh, this woman deserves to be staked
  • Marie smacking them around is…not threatening. It just looks very silly
  • I’m unsure how Micki’s blood gets on the clasp considering she’s nearly a foot away from Frank
  • I love how Abraham and Caitlin mistake Micki and Ryan for theatre actors. Robey and LeMay probably wish they were after this episode
  • Just in case you didn’t get enough bullshit Jack the Ripper nonsense from “Doctor Jack“, we’re now killing old-timey prostitutes in this episode
  • Actual line from my notes: “Caitlin is a ‘proper’ lady”
  • The slow motion running down the streets? I just can’t
  • Do you think the production team spent their entire budget on smoke machines?
  • I legitimately thought that we had stumbled onto the set of a John Woo movie when they open the door to that basement and a bunch of pigeons fly out
  • Why does Frank age rapidly (a la The Hunger) when he takes off the cape considering Marie never did? Is it a sexist cape that only works for men?
  • I usually appreciate the efforts to create some distinctive scores/music for each episode, but I don’t understand the need for a whistle each time Frank uses his vampire strength/powers
  • My favourite moment of the episode is when Abraham rushes at Frank with a string of garlic
  • Micki’s incessant screams as they drag her away from Frank are painful. I felt for Robey so much during the episode because it must have been humiliating for her to have to do this
  • Favourite line of the episode: “We can’t lose – it’s two against one” Abraham tells Caitlin, like an idiot
  • Blah blah blah – Caitlin is murdered, Abraham blames them for everything that’s happened in the less than 24 hours they’ve been in his life, Micki wants to face suck with Frank and Abraham rescues them at the last minute. It’s all soooo incredibly predictable (AND poorly executed to boot)
  • The coda with the “Abraham wrote Dracula” bit? The rotten cherry on the top of this shit sundae, my friends. Good riddance to this episode!

Alright, let’s never speak of this again. See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode fourteen: “Bedazzled”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytkvCcBYN0k

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E12 – “He Got What He Deserved. He Was A Pig”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FMrSZ9Nc0Y&t=5s

S01E012: “Faith Healer”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: A debunked faith-healer acquires real healing-powers, but gets debunked again, and worse, by one of Jack (Chris Wiggins)’s peculiar old friends (Robert A. Silverman)

  • Director: My all time favourite Canadian director David Cronenberg takes the reins
  • Writer: Christine Cornish pens her one and only Friday episode
  • Famous Guest Star: Conenberg regular Robert A. Silverman (Scanners, Naked Lunch) takes center stage as Jerry Scott

The Sforza glove

Cursed Antique of the Week: The Sforza glove that transfers a magnified ailment from one person to another

Setting: Jerry’s floating house. See Quirkest Add-On below

Best Death: Jerry’s grisly tumour face is a sight to behold

Quirkiest Add-On: Jerry lives on a GIANT barge docked in the harbour

Character Bits: Micki reveals that she studied the Renaissance Italian court at university

Corny Finish Line: After an uncomfortable encounter, Micki and Jack make up when they jokingly compare different curse — science vs magic — for Ryan’s cold. Jack jokes: “If he gets worse or dies, all bets are off”

80s Fashion Closet: Is Fishoff (Miguel Fernandes)’ all white ensemble inspired by Southern faith healers or is it just an unfortunate 80s fashion choice? It really could go either way

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: With an episode primarily dedicated to Jack, Jerry and Fishoff, there’s less cousin-ly love to go around, though at one point Ryan (John D. LeMay) drapes his arm around Micki (Lousie Robey) in an overly affectionate fashion. Earlier he also chastises her with the very sexist line: “Patience and tolerance. I thought those were traditional female virtues?”

Cronenberg’s magic body horror touch

What Works…

Not unlike the Atom Egoyan episode from earlier in the season, “Faith Healer” embodies a number of visual and thematic components that reflect guest director David Cronenberg’s interests. Directed in between The Fly and Dead Ringers, this is the height of Cronenberg’s (more respectable) body horror period and the episode feels more indebted to his vision than any other instalment of the series thus far.

While the Sforza glove is a very traditional “cursed object” (akin to the teacup from “A Cup Of Time” in its transferrable powers), “Faith Healer”s more or less casts aside the Curious Goods crew in favour of a two person showdown between guest stars Fernandes and Silverman. Micki and Ryan barely appear and even Jack feels cursory — he’s more involved, but only because of his ties to Jerry.

The prominence of Silverman is unsurprising given his history with Cronenberg (they had already worked together on Scanners and The Brood by this time), but within the historical context of the series it is fascinating to see an episode given over to the will of a director and guest star in such a prominent way.

Another element of significance is Cronenberg’s direction, specifically the lighting and the use of enclosed spaces. The famed directed heavily favours shadowy lighting across characters’ faces, which casts both Fishoff and Jerry into suspicion early and often.  As for the enclosed spaces, Friday The 13th has always used alleys for sets, but “Faith Healer” features a preponderance of them. Cronenberg shoots these alleys so that they feel more narrow and threatening than ever. This includes Jerry’s floating home, which feels similarly suffocating. Plus the presence of a boat where violence breaks out clearly evokes Videodrome.

Finally, there’s the increased prominence of practical makeup effects. The pulsating bubbles on victims’ faces, Jerry’s gory chest tumours, as well as the glove, are classic Cronenberg body horror. The fact that these effects are so much more realistic and graphic is fascinating considering that special effects makeup artists Darren Perks and Randy Daudlin were already been working on the series before this episode. I imagine that Cronenberg brought his experience with macabre makeup effects to set. It will be interesting to see if this uptick in the quality of special makeup effects continues in subsequent episodes.

Silverman and Fernandes dominate the plot of “Faith Healer”

What Doesn’t Work…

It’s possible that your mileage on this episode will vary depending on your willingness to accept change. Although in many ways “Faith Healer” adopts the familiar plot beats of any other episode of the series, the diminished roles of Jack and (more specifically) Micki and Ryan does give make the episode stand out. Add in the extended climax that (literally) traps Jack in a closet so that the two guest stars can have a shoot-out and car chase and it’s clear that “Faith Healer” is less interested in the core cast than traditional episodes. This didn’t actually bother me, but it may rankle the feathers of purists.

Fishoff’s visually impressive death

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • The opening sequence when Jerry debunks Fishoff (Fernandes) in front of a two-tiered audience feels very ceremonial and — dare I say it — cultish
  • Did anyone else think that the leather glove looks like a woman’s glove?
  • Initially it seems as though the glove has eaten away at Fishoff’s hand. It took me a few seconds to realize that the leather accessory had actually taken on the attributes of the illness itself
  • When Micki and Ryan first see Fishoff’s infomercial, it is revealed that there has been a significant time lapse (a minimum of six months) between the opening sequence and the present. This is a first for the series, which typically finds the crew investigating a crime shortly after it is committed
  • Remember when these kinds of infomercials were common fare on TV? That’s a blast from the past
  • Jack’s disbelief when he is kicked out by Fishoff’s staff is hilarious since he was attempting to break and enter. “What kind of man bends a man’s lockpicks?!” he bemoans in melodramatic fashion
  • There’s an interesting extreme long shot of Micki and Ryan waiting on the fire escape for Fishoff to sneak out of the back of his building. It is notable if only because it highlights how infrequently Friday The 13th pulls back to show bigger sets, which is an unfortunate by product of a restrictive budget (The outdoor fields in “Scarecrow” are another great example of “opening up” the filming space)
  • Who will take care of Porky the poodle after her poor owner is assaulted and killed by Fishoff in the alley?
  • According to Jerry’s claim, he’s debunked 400 “parasites” in 20 years. Who knew there were that many phoney faith healers kicking around in the late 80s?
  • Jerry’s cutdown of Jack is savage: “Is this where you try your magic top hat routine?” Way to tear down Jack’s interest in magic, Jerry!
  • There’s a time discrepancy when Jerry recalls that a year has passed since he exposed Fishoff as a fraud in the opening scene. So how much time has actually passed: six months or a year?
  • I either turned away for a moment or it’s not entirely clear, but it seems like Jerry and Jack are talking one moment and then Jack is tied up in the closet the next. It feels very abrupt
  • I appreciated that Fishoff mocks Jerry’s request to heal him. I truly had no idea why the televangelist would agree to help the man who publicly ruined him
  • The fact that Jerry winds up being a killer – of both Fishoff and his bodyguard – even before he lays hands on the glove makes him distinct from most of the killers on the series. Traditionally villains are compelled by a cursed antique. Here Jerry is just acting out of his own malicious intent
  • The logistics of Fishoff’s death are different from the others, but it is visually impressive to see him repeatedly shot out of nowhere when he fails to transfer his wounds to Jerry. I liked this death quite a bit
  • Intriguingly writer Christine Cornish lays the foundation for the next episode by having Micki reference a cape she thinks they should investigate
  • I’m glad that Jack verbally acknowledges his poor taste in friends because I had just made that observation in my notes. Between Jerry and Lewis (see episodes 1 and 5) Jack really should never trust another living person
  • Finally, is Micki’s cruel admonishment of Jack’s desire to leave behind the cursed object life a callback to his somewhat cutthroat comment about her own struggle back in “Root Of All Evil“?

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode thirteen: “The Baron’s Bride”. It looks like the halfway point of season one involves…time travel?!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLyKVN7zTCY

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E09 – “A Kissy Faced Pimp”

by

Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/VA1QBUvjRfo

S01E09: “Root Of All Evil”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Micki (Louise Robey) must decide whether to continue tracking down cursed objects or to go marry her fiancé, Lloyd the lawyer (Barclay Hope), while Ryan (John D. LeMay) and Jack (Chris Wiggins) look for a hexed mulcher.

  • Director: This is Allan King’s sole Friday credit, but he would go on to helm more than ten Alfred Hitchcock Presents…
  • Writer: New writer Rob Hedden makes his Friday debut
  • Famous Guest Star: Enrico Colantoni, aka Papa Mars from Veronica Mars and countless other TV series

Pray to the money mulcher…

Cursed Antique of the Week: A mulcher that ingests people and spits out money based on their net worth

Setting: The Harrington Gardens

Best Death: Charles (Ian White), like many people, is fed into the mulcher, but unlike the others, he’s alive and screaming (and it’s delicious)

Quirkiest Add-On: Jack goes to visit the killer from the opening sequence, Harley O’Connor (Thomas Hauff), in the mental institution where he cackles and spins in his wheelchair

Character Bits: “Root Of All Evil” is a veritable character development piece for Micki and her relationship with Lloyd, who we learn have been separated for two months

Corny Finish Line: Still none, but that’s acceptable considering writer Hedden dedicates the final scene to a really nice emotional beat between the cousins

80s Fashion Closet: The vast majority of the episode is spent with the male characters outfitted in bulky green overalls. That leaves everyone’s favourite redhead to pick up the slack, which she singlehandedly does with her terrible “sexy” clothes, including some hideous amalgamation headband/scrunchy and the most boobalicious silver satin nightgown I’ve ever seen

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: This episode eschews incest for straight up romance as Micki is torn between her love (lust?) for Lloyd and her loyalty (love?) for Ryan. All kidding aside, the Micki/Ryan stuff is the backbone of the episode and it actually works really well

Micki’s dilemma with Lloyd takes center stage

What Works…

Let’s get this out of the way straight off the top: there’s absolutely no way that I can be objective when the guest of the week is the incomparable Enrico Colantoni. I have seen Colantoni in dozens of projects, including one of all my all time favourite series: Veronica Mars. Even in this babyfaced role (he still has hair!), Colantoni is captivating as the murderous Adrian, who falls under the influence of the killer mulcher.

The fact that Colantoni is so stellar is impressive considering that we are talking about a killer mulcher, which is absolutely ridiculous. And yet, unlike other episodes (still looking at you “The Great Montarro“), director Allan King infuses the sentient object with personality. Having Adrian kneel in front of the machine in reverence, then periodically cutting to close-ups of its spinning blades of death really helps to sell the idea that there is an unspoken (evil) connection between man and machine.

Naturally the other reason that “Root Of All Evil” works so well is because it explicitly dedicates half of its runtime to Micki and her struggle between Curious Goods and fiancé Lloyd (which I just complained about in the last review!). Let’s overlook the slightly offensive suggestion that Lloyd makes about her fidelity (in fairness, I joke about incest in literally every one of these posts) and focus instead on the good work that writer Rob Hedden and Robey do.

This is the first time that the series has allocated a substantial amount of time and energy to character development and this really helps “Root Of All Evil” to stand out. Micki is understandably torn between taking the easy way out and sticking around to aid Jack and Ryan finish what they’ve inherited. The episode does a great job at giving Micki’s anger and frustration at the situation, as well as her eagerness to make Lloyd understand why she hasn’t returned home, ample time to play out. Friday The 13th had its work cut out for it with this storyline in the pilot so it’s refreshing to see it become a substantial story arc eight episodes later.

Would I have enjoyed this episode as much without this adorably familiar mug?

What Doesn’t Work…

Admittedly I’m unsure how I would feel about the mulcher storyline if I weren’t such a fan of Colantoni. While I appreciate the unique angle Hedden writes into the cursed antique by having wealthy victims be more financially valuable to the murderer, Adrian’s plan never really materializes. Particularly aggravating is the blackmail storyline (again!) which is introduced by a drunken friend of Adrian’s who touches on his hard-run past, but this is immediately dropped and never revisited.

Friday The 13th has yet to really figure out how to afford their villains enough time to rise above their one-dimensional trappings, which puts a lot of emphasis on the charisma and vitality of the guest actor. When it’s Colantoni or last episode’s David Ferry, it works, but only just.

Bye Charles — it’s been a scream!

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Another checkmark for this episode is the super icky sound effects the bodies make when they go into the mulcher. It sounds…wet
  • Let’s talk Lloyd’s accusation that he believes there’s another man. This is actually kind of far, because of course Ryan is crushing on her. BUT (and it’s a big one) Micki has NEVER done anything to suggest there’s someone else. So Lloyd is still a total American Psycho dudebro asshole in this situation
  • Smitty (Jack Mather) the head gardener seems perfectly lovely so naturally he has to die
  • How much is $500 in 1987 dollars? That seems like an outrageous sum to blackmail a second fiddle gardener who just started his job a few weeks ago. Also: don’t raise the price exponentially in front of someone! Have the number figured out before you say it aloud or else you just come off as greedy
  • “A kissy faced pimp” may be the best insult I’ve ever heard and I want to use it all of the time now
  • I appreciate Jack’s pragmatism when he tells Ryan that Micki needs to work out her issues on her own, but it still comes off a bit cold, no?
  • Undeniable proof of Lloyd’s douchebaggery: “How many burglars do you know that wear Brooks Brothers virgin wool?” Woof!
  • Widow — and eventual target — Mrs. Harrington (Kay Tremblay) also seems genuinely nice. I’m glad she doesn’t wind up getting (too badly) hurt
  • Seriously, what is the point of the institution scene? It plays out like Grade A filler
  • Love the callback to the pilot with Veda the doll!
  • Either the lighting is atrocious and Micki and Lloyd are hooking up during the day or there’s some wonky time inconsistency going on because the crosscutting features Jack and Ryan working undercover during the day. It’s…not great for continuity if it’s the former sitch
  • While Lloyd is the main dick of the episode, Ryan is also a bit of a shitheel for slutshaming Micki for wanting to a) have sex and b) abscond with her effing fiancé. Sorry you’re a celibate loser, Ryan
  • Also: bonus points to Micki for slapping him
  • When Ryan is running away from Adrian and he randomly trips and knocks himself out? I…don’t understand
  • You know that Lloyd’s goose is cooked when Micki demands he do something to save Mrs. Harrington and he does nothing
  • I get that Adrian was driven by money, but I don’t buy (heh heh) that he would dive into the mulcher after it. That seems a little loco. Then again, he was running around killing people with a mini-scythe in plain sight, so…
  • Much respect for ending the episode on a silent, emotional moment between Micki and Ryan. They’ve had their ups and downs (just in this episode alone) but “Root Of All Evil” puts the idea of Micki abandoning their cause to bed for good. Now, let’s get back to all of that sexual innuendo, shall we?

I’m taking a breather this weekend while I take a brief vacation to Salem. See you back here Monday for Friday The 13th The Series episode ten: “Tales Of The Undead”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I1nD741e8w