Queer.Horror.Movies

The curated portfolio of film journalist Joe Lipsett

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E09 – “A Kissy Faced Pimp”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/VA1QBUvjRfo

S01E09: “Root Of All Evil”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Micki (Louise Robey) must decide whether to continue tracking down cursed objects or to go marry her fiancé, Lloyd the lawyer (Barclay Hope), while Ryan (John D. LeMay) and Jack (Chris Wiggins) look for a hexed mulcher.

  • Director: This is Allan King’s sole Friday credit, but he would go on to helm more than ten Alfred Hitchcock Presents…
  • Writer: New writer Rob Hedden makes his Friday debut
  • Famous Guest Star: Enrico Colantoni, aka Papa Mars from Veronica Mars and countless other TV series

Pray to the money mulcher…

Cursed Antique of the Week: A mulcher that ingests people and spits out money based on their net worth

Setting: The Harrington Gardens

Best Death: Charles (Ian White), like many people, is fed into the mulcher, but unlike the others, he’s alive and screaming (and it’s delicious)

Quirkiest Add-On: Jack goes to visit the killer from the opening sequence, Harley O’Connor (Thomas Hauff), in the mental institution where he cackles and spins in his wheelchair

Character Bits: “Root Of All Evil” is a veritable character development piece for Micki and her relationship with Lloyd, who we learn have been separated for two months

Corny Finish Line: Still none, but that’s acceptable considering writer Hedden dedicates the final scene to a really nice emotional beat between the cousins

80s Fashion Closet: The vast majority of the episode is spent with the male characters outfitted in bulky green overalls. That leaves everyone’s favourite redhead to pick up the slack, which she singlehandedly does with her terrible “sexy” clothes, including some hideous amalgamation headband/scrunchy and the most boobalicious silver satin nightgown I’ve ever seen

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: This episode eschews incest for straight up romance as Micki is torn between her love (lust?) for Lloyd and her loyalty (love?) for Ryan. All kidding aside, the Micki/Ryan stuff is the backbone of the episode and it actually works really well

Micki’s dilemma with Lloyd takes center stage

What Works…

Let’s get this out of the way straight off the top: there’s absolutely no way that I can be objective when the guest of the week is the incomparable Enrico Colantoni. I have seen Colantoni in dozens of projects, including one of all my all time favourite series: Veronica Mars. Even in this babyfaced role (he still has hair!), Colantoni is captivating as the murderous Adrian, who falls under the influence of the killer mulcher.

The fact that Colantoni is so stellar is impressive considering that we are talking about a killer mulcher, which is absolutely ridiculous. And yet, unlike other episodes (still looking at you “The Great Montarro“), director Allan King infuses the sentient object with personality. Having Adrian kneel in front of the machine in reverence, then periodically cutting to close-ups of its spinning blades of death really helps to sell the idea that there is an unspoken (evil) connection between man and machine.

Naturally the other reason that “Root Of All Evil” works so well is because it explicitly dedicates half of its runtime to Micki and her struggle between Curious Goods and fiancé Lloyd (which I just complained about in the last review!). Let’s overlook the slightly offensive suggestion that Lloyd makes about her fidelity (in fairness, I joke about incest in literally every one of these posts) and focus instead on the good work that writer Rob Hedden and Robey do.

This is the first time that the series has allocated a substantial amount of time and energy to character development and this really helps “Root Of All Evil” to stand out. Micki is understandably torn between taking the easy way out and sticking around to aid Jack and Ryan finish what they’ve inherited. The episode does a great job at giving Micki’s anger and frustration at the situation, as well as her eagerness to make Lloyd understand why she hasn’t returned home, ample time to play out. Friday The 13th had its work cut out for it with this storyline in the pilot so it’s refreshing to see it become a substantial story arc eight episodes later.

Would I have enjoyed this episode as much without this adorably familiar mug?

What Doesn’t Work…

Admittedly I’m unsure how I would feel about the mulcher storyline if I weren’t such a fan of Colantoni. While I appreciate the unique angle Hedden writes into the cursed antique by having wealthy victims be more financially valuable to the murderer, Adrian’s plan never really materializes. Particularly aggravating is the blackmail storyline (again!) which is introduced by a drunken friend of Adrian’s who touches on his hard-run past, but this is immediately dropped and never revisited.

Friday The 13th has yet to really figure out how to afford their villains enough time to rise above their one-dimensional trappings, which puts a lot of emphasis on the charisma and vitality of the guest actor. When it’s Colantoni or last episode’s David Ferry, it works, but only just.

Bye Charles — it’s been a scream!

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Another checkmark for this episode is the super icky sound effects the bodies make when they go into the mulcher. It sounds…wet
  • Let’s talk Lloyd’s accusation that he believes there’s another man. This is actually kind of far, because of course Ryan is crushing on her. BUT (and it’s a big one) Micki has NEVER done anything to suggest there’s someone else. So Lloyd is still a total American Psycho dudebro asshole in this situation
  • Smitty (Jack Mather) the head gardener seems perfectly lovely so naturally he has to die
  • How much is $500 in 1987 dollars? That seems like an outrageous sum to blackmail a second fiddle gardener who just started his job a few weeks ago. Also: don’t raise the price exponentially in front of someone! Have the number figured out before you say it aloud or else you just come off as greedy
  • “A kissy faced pimp” may be the best insult I’ve ever heard and I want to use it all of the time now
  • I appreciate Jack’s pragmatism when he tells Ryan that Micki needs to work out her issues on her own, but it still comes off a bit cold, no?
  • Undeniable proof of Lloyd’s douchebaggery: “How many burglars do you know that wear Brooks Brothers virgin wool?” Woof!
  • Widow — and eventual target — Mrs. Harrington (Kay Tremblay) also seems genuinely nice. I’m glad she doesn’t wind up getting (too badly) hurt
  • Seriously, what is the point of the institution scene? It plays out like Grade A filler
  • Love the callback to the pilot with Veda the doll!
  • Either the lighting is atrocious and Micki and Lloyd are hooking up during the day or there’s some wonky time inconsistency going on because the crosscutting features Jack and Ryan working undercover during the day. It’s…not great for continuity if it’s the former sitch
  • While Lloyd is the main dick of the episode, Ryan is also a bit of a shitheel for slutshaming Micki for wanting to a) have sex and b) abscond with her effing fiancé. Sorry you’re a celibate loser, Ryan
  • Also: bonus points to Micki for slapping him
  • When Ryan is running away from Adrian and he randomly trips and knocks himself out? I…don’t understand
  • You know that Lloyd’s goose is cooked when Micki demands he do something to save Mrs. Harrington and he does nothing
  • I get that Adrian was driven by money, but I don’t buy (heh heh) that he would dive into the mulcher after it. That seems a little loco. Then again, he was running around killing people with a mini-scythe in plain sight, so…
  • Much respect for ending the episode on a silent, emotional moment between Micki and Ryan. They’ve had their ups and downs (just in this episode alone) but “Root Of All Evil” puts the idea of Micki abandoning their cause to bed for good. Now, let’s get back to all of that sexual innuendo, shall we?

I’m taking a breather this weekend while I take a brief vacation to Salem. See you back here Monday for Friday The 13th The Series episode ten: “Tales Of The Undead”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I1nD741e8w

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E08 – “The Skirt With The Camera”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/4ByKlr_BIls

S01E08: “Shadow Boxer”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Tommy (David Ferry), a punchy, broken-down fighter gets in touch with his dark side.

  • Director: “Hellowe’en” and “The Poison Pen” director Timothy Bond returns
  • Writer: New writer Josh Miller joins the Friday franchise
  • Famous Guest Star: Ferry would go on to play Dr. Kissinger in FX’s Legion

Killer gloves (literally)

Cursed Antique of the Week: Killer Ken Kelsey’s boxing gloves, which produce a shadow that beats opponents to death

Setting: The boxing gym

Best Death: Both of the episodes’ two deaths are the same and neither are all that impressive: punch to the face for the kill

Quirkiest Add-On: Micki (Louise Robey) randomly remembers that she has a fiancé and decides to make him a scrapbook featuring a day in the life of Curious Goods. This has nothing to do with the fact that they’ll need a camera to combat Tommy’s shadow later. 😉

Character Bits: At her undercover diner date with Tommy, we learn that Micki’s mother is Irish and her father is English

Corny Finish Line: Naturally the week after I introduce a new bit, Friday the 13th fails to deliver a funny end line. Unless you count Jack (Chris Wiggins)’s idle threat to pay Ryan (Jack D. LeMay) back for the shiner, which is more ominous (though we all know it will come to nothing because the writer’s have NO MEMORY for past events)

80s Fashion Closet: Woof – Micki is rocking an absolutely terrible looking pony hawk. None of the rest of the clothes stand out because my eyes were continually drawn to that (frankly) giant mane.

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: As mentioned, Lloyd re-enters the picture (in name only), which brings up all of the sexual tension between the cousins early on. Particularly on point is when Ryan points his ass at Micki and claims it is his best side, which prompts her to smack it. So cute, you two — maybe just fuck and put us out of our misery.

The ickiness between Tommy and Micki on their date is palpable

What Works…

“Shadow Boxer” winds up being a surprisingly good episode. Unlike some of the more poorly paced entries, there’s an appropriate amount of story here and even when the fight is wrapped up and the action moves back to Curious Goods, it feels organic, as opposed to being shoehorned in as in previous episodes.

One reason the episode works so well is the hissably entertaining performance by David Ferry. Like most of the other villains on the show, Tommy isn’t exactly complicated, but Ferry makes up for the character’s lack of depth with a truly memorable performance. Tommy is a genuine creep, especially in his interactions with Micki and he’s truly threatening in the climax when he holds her at knifepoint.

The other component that works exceedingly well are the visual effects of the killer shadow. While they’re not great by 2018 standards, it looks great (in late 80s terms) and the cross-cutting between it and Tommy’s fights provide a level of excitement and dynamic action that isn’t present in most of the other cursed objects. Contrast this with Houdin’s Box in “The Great Montarro” and the difference is night and day.

Can we not do the female pain porn stuff?

What Doesn’t Work…

Continuity is clearly not the series’ strong point. While we do get more than a few reminders of Micki’s absent boyfriend Lloyd, “Shadow Boxer” seems to entirely forget that just last episode Jack nearly had a fatal fall and had to have emergency surgery that left him recuperating in a wheelchair. None of the latter events are mentioned or addressed here; it’s as though they never even happened! This is a frequent problem with procedural television, but it is all the more glaring when a core character is nearly killed and those events are immediately disregarded.

Jack vs Shadow

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Is coach Manny (Jack Duffy) smoking a pack a day because that is one hoarse voice!
  • Unlike some other episodes that feature awkward exposition, the news that Tommy has a bad temper (that sent him to prison no less!) is organically woven into his initial terse encounter with Manny
  • At nearly 6:40 minutes, this may be the longest cold open yet
  • It’s a bit on the nose that the boxing gloves literally have the word “KILLER” stitched into them, no?
  • Friday The 13th delivers its first African-American character in the form of “Kid” Cornelius (Philip Akin). He is disappointingly not given a ton to do, but still manages to make an impression. Another thing that “Shadow Boxer” does well is create memorable secondary characters. This is arguably the best since “A Cup Of Time“
  • It’s odd how the boxing fight is only occasionally convincing. This episode really needed a fight choreographer because only around 50% of those hits look close to connecting (caveat: the later fight with Kid looks much better)
  • “There’s something I can do that you two can’t”. I’d been wondering how long it would take the writers to use Micki as sexual bait and now we have our answer!
  • What’s more gross: the way that Tommy aggressively touches Micki on their diner “date” or those close-up shots of half eaten pie with cigarettes in them?
  • The action sequence when Jack and Ryan are caught in Tommy’s apartment while the shadow threatens Micki, which includes the revelation that Tommy can be blinded via the shadow, is really effective. It involves everyone, is well shot and conveys important information they’ll need to solve the case
  • Unsurprisingly we learn that Ryan collects comics (specifically Green Lantern). This is late 80s shorthand for “Nerd!”
  • Love how Ryan just grabs the gloves off Tommy’s unconscious body post-fight (in front of everyone) and casually saunters off
  • Micki’s aggressive reaction to Tommy’s lack of punishment is understandable, but I’m confused by the shot of her looking at Lloyd’s picture in bed. Honestly all of the Lloyd stuff feels artificially inserted into this episode
  • I do not appreciate the close up shots of Micki’s breasts and tears while Tommy holds her hostage at knifepoint. It feels unnecessarily focused on female suffering simply as a visual shorthand to hammer home the danger
  • I may have chuckled when Tommy threatens to “hurt her [Micki] to death!” Am I a monster or is that line just really odd?
  • The resolution to the hostage situation is unexpected: Ryan puts on the gloves and punches both Jack and Tommy. It’s strangely aggressive and then played for literal laughs when Micki and Ryan laugh about Jack’s large black eye at episode’s end

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode nine: “Root Of All Evil”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA1QBUvjRfo&t=8s

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E07 – “He’s Turning Medicine Into A 3-Ring Circus”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0aPDwmDLEY&t=3s

S01E07: “Doctor Jack”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: A series of slashings leads the group to surgeon Dr. Vincent Howlett (Cliff Gorman) who loves the limelight. To complicate matters, a woman named Jean (Elva Mai Hoover) is seeking revenge on the doctor for her daughter’s murder.

  • Director: Richard Friedman, who just directed “The Great Montarro”
  • Writer: Marc Scott Zicree makes his Friday the 13th debut
  • Famous Guest Star: By this time Gorman had already starred in The Boys in the Band and 1984’s notorious virgin/madonna exploitation flick Angel

Ripper’s Knife

Cursed Antique of the Week: A victorian scalpel, thought to have belonged to Jack the Ripper

Setting: Ravenbrook Hospital

Best Death: With only two to choose from, I’ll go with Howlett’s, even if it’s a boring stab wound that ultimately kills him and not getting zapped by the defibrillator

Quirkiest Add-On: I have so many questions about the opening scene: why is the flower seller peddling his wares in the middle of the night? Why does he refuse his customer change? Why does Howlett opt to kill this man in the middle of a crowded area? It’s a very confusing set-up

Character Bits: Jack (Chris Wiggins) is injured so badly that he winds up needing surgery!

Corny Finish Line: Ryan (to Jack) – “The best part is with him out of the way, Howlett won’t be sending you a bill”

80s Fashion Closet: The clothes and hair in this episode are OUT OF CONTROL. Micki (Louise Robey)’s hair has never been so close to god and her shit brown shirt/jacket with three quarter sleeve and belt is hideously ugly. The most offensive article of clothing, however, has to be Ryan (John D. LeMay)’s excessively baggy jeans and XXL dog & dot sweater.

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Virtually nothing! I am SHOCKED

Way to prove me wrong show

What Works…

This is a slight step up in quality from “The Great Montarro” if only because there’s no mystery hampering the plot. It’s pretty clear from early on who the villain is and Gorman imbues Howlett with a good amount of evil narcissism. The murderous doctor isn’t exactly a nuanced character, but I would put him on par with Le Croix from episode two, who was a decent killer motivated by power, money and/or greed.

I guess I should also cop to the egg on my face. In the very last rewatch episode, I complained that the series needs to stop endangering its core cast because it’s not believable that any of will come to harm. Flashforward to this episode and low and behold Jack immediately falls down a (short) elevator shaft, winds up needing surgery and is recuperating in a wheelchair at episode’s end. Obviously you can’t have one of the three come to significant harm each episode, but Jack’s arc here helps to sell the idea that these adventures are perilous.

Perhaps Frankenstein would have been a better historical comparison?

What Doesn’t Work…

Seven episodes in and it’s becoming clear that Friday The 13th writers regularly supplement a subpar A-plot with a bizarre secondary one. When it’s batshit crazy a la Birdie nearly killing a homeless man in “A Cup Of Time“, I’m all for it. When it is grief-stricken homicidal mom Jean (Hoover) attempting to fire a gun in an abandoned hospital hallway? Um…

While I appreciate that Jean’s story fits into the main story more closely than some of the others we’ve seen <cough “The Great Montarro” cough>, it’s not seamless. Questions abound: how does Jack keep her locked up in the hospital without admitting her? Why isn’t she arrested by the police? All in all, Jean only really matters when it comes to the end of the episode when Micki and Ryan face off against Howlett in the derelict hospital hallways, but it would have been easy enough to excise her role entirely, which begs the question why she’s here in the first place.

This is, however, a minor complaint in comparison to the most egregious one: WHY DOES THIS EPISODE INCLUDE JACK THE RIPPER? Apologies for the all-caps, but this historical component plays like writer Zicree read an 80s microfiche (“he had surgical precision” mmhmm; “he might have been a doctor” ohhh, I can use that) and then whipped up this cockamamie treatment. The inclusion of the Ripper adds literally nothing to this episode; “Doctor Jack” would have worked just as well if it were about a scalpel that allows its wielder to save lives masterfully in exchange for semi-frequent kills (which is — shocker — what the episode is actually about!). Instead the inclusion or poor use of Jack the Ripper sets up a completely unnecessary expectation that is never paid off.

Behold their hideousness! The brown suit-thing and ugly sweater

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Oh how I do enjoy spotting reused sets! Not only is the alley gate that Howlett cuts through the same as “Hellowe’en“, the elevator that Jack falls down is the same as the one Lewis died in back in the pilot!
  • Is that Jason’s machete on display in Jim Bronson (Michael Copeman)’s knife shop?!
  • I can’t believe that there’s mention of pictures of Micki and Ryan with monkeys at the zoo, but we are never shown them. What a tease
  • According to Howlett, being able to cut open a man from groin to sternum and not be arrested = surgeon power! Yeah, no wonder this guy became a homicidal maniac
  • It’s surprising that the first time we see Howlett, his surgery & speech are actually part of his job interview. Another odd story choice
  • Cribbed from my actual notes: “So where have they locked up this delirious mother? ‘Cause it’s not like you can just find empty beds in a hospital”
  • The blackmail/coercion that Dr. Price (Doris Petrie) employs to force Howlett to perform a surgery he’s not ready for — in order to solidify his role and re-establish the reputation of the hospital — suggests that Price is actually the villain
  • It is unsurprising that Howlett must not only perform Jack’s surgery but keep him alive when he realizes who he is, but it still works for me
  • Micki, Ryan and Jean make the cardinal slasher mistake when they get the upper hand on Howlett: they knock him down and then run away instead of finishing him off. Kick the shit out of him and be done with it!
  • You can see the defibrillator death coming a mile away, but what surprises me is that Micki waits until Howlett nearly stabs her. Girl, that’s dangerous! It would have been better to zap his hand, arm or head rather than wait to zap that scalpel!
  • How is Ryan not in jail considering the number of times he has picked up a murder object? Dude, don’t pull the knife out of the dead guy
  • I’ve added a new section up top, but in case you missed it, the episode ends on this corny one-liner: “The best part is with him out of the way, Howlett won’t be sending you a bill”

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode eight: “Shadow Boxer”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ByKlr_BIls

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E06 – “Do Not Invite To The Same Party”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/LNlVfJo1Z_g

S01E06: “The Great Montarro”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: In order to find out who is using a set of deadly magician boxes, Jack (Chris Wiggins) enters a magic competition under his old alias, “Mad Marshak”.

  • Director: Richard Friedman, who previously worked on Tales From The Darkside and later filmed several episodes of Baywatch Nights (blech)
  • Writer: Durnford King, who penned the second episode “The Poison Pen“
  • Famous Guest Star: Graeme Campbell, who worked extensively in Canadian television and in animated TV such as Rupert and The Adventures of Tintin

The Houdin Box…of boredom

Cursed Antique of the Week: The Houdin Box, which look like a coffin and works a bit like the Vanishing Cabinet in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by transferring injury to a person somewhere else

Setting: The “closed set” of a magician contest

Best Death: Wannabe magician Tommy (Jefferson Mappin) is killed during the Bed of Nails practice run

Quirkiest Add-On: “Miranda”is revealed to be Robert (Martin Neufeld)’s cross-dressing alter-ego attempt to sneak into the contest, which hardly seemed necessary since he apparently had the talent to get into the Top 5…

Character Bits: Nothing really. We already knew from “Hellowe’en” that Jack practiced magic so the only new character development is the surprise is when Micki (Louise Robey) is so comfortable in the lime light as a magician’s assistant

80s Fashion Closet: Micki’s hair seems bigger and fluffier than usual, but I will focus my attention on her magician’s assistant outfit. It comes complete with a cane for pointing, a gaudy giant crystal broach, planet-sized globe earrings and a feathery hairpiece. Hilariously she winds up wearing the costume for the latter half of the episode while everyone else remains in their street clothes.

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: The bitching and sniping is kept mostly to a minimum right up until the end of the episode when Ryan (John D. LeMay) is wrapped up in the straight jacket and chains. Aside from that they mostly act like normal people!

More sequences like this please

What Works…

“The Great Montarro” is not my favourite episode of the series (in fact it currently ranks at the bottom), so I don’t have a lot to work with here.

If there is one bright spot, it is undoubtedly when Tommy covertly takes Jack’s place during the Bed of Nails act and fails to escape the chains in time, resulting in an suitably bloody death. Is the death a bait and switch since we thought this was Jack? Sure, but Tommy’s reveal works as a nice inversion of the “protagonist in danger” trope that the series has been leaning on.

As for other positives: this is a stretch, but maybe the location? More than other episodes in the series, there’s consistently something interesting happening in the background as the other performers work on their acts in outrageous costumes.

Lesleh Donaldson

The campiest of screams

What Doesn’t Work…

Sadly the second episode from writer Durnford King suffers from many of the same flaws of his first, namely poor pacing and a lack of engaging characters. “The Great Montarro” first slight and more than a bit bland; there’s a discernible lack of joie de vivre in the proceedings, which is impressive because how do you make a magic contest boring?!

First off, the Houdin Box is a dull as dish water cursed object. Not only does it lack the bizarre personality of something like the Cupid Quiver or the Swapper’s Ivy Teacup, it doesn’t even kill in an interesting fashion. Without a face or a more intriguing hook, it’s basically just a stone monolith with a coloured crystal on top.

Second, Lyla (Lesleh Donaldson)’s killer reveal only works if you don’t pay attention during her initial conversation with Micki. Lyla admits that she’s been on the road with her father (Campbell) since she was sixteen, but she apparently has no idea how the “Coffin of Blood” works? That’s obviously a clue that she’s lying about the trick, if not outright responsible for the whole thing.

Third (and most importantly), the Friday the 13th writers can’t continue to threaten our main trio with death every episode. It’s simply not believable that any of the three of them are in any danger, so putting Micki into a literal death trap at the climax guarantees a lack of tension. At least in “Hellowe’en” the death was a fun conveyor belt of death (still not believable that they would die, but fun!) This climax has zero tension and suffers for it.

Also: why the hell do all of these characters have such generic names?! This episode features characters named Tommy, Robert, Tony and Monte. Can someone please provide Durnford King a phonebook so that he can diversify his character names?

Louise Robey, John D. LeMay

Matchy-matchy

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • It’s unclear, but does Fahteem The Magnificent (aka Harvey The Sleazeball) sexually assault his first victim before killing her in the box? If so, double ick
  • Reusing the impaling death with Fahteem so soon after the girl’s in the opening scene really mutes the impact the second time around
  • Ryan is consistently proven to be a dunce by this series. Case in point: his sarcastic, albeit innocuous, joke that “Being a magician is a dangerous job” is immediately proven true when a bunch of magicians are murdered
  • Micki and Ryan essentially wear the same jacket when they interrogate Robert and I was LIVING for it
  • Robert’s blackmail scheme against Lyla and Montarro is one plot twist too many and — more problematically — it doesn’t add much to the proceedings. It’s similar to the press scenes in “The Poison Pen” which seem to be there primarily to fill out an underwhelming A-plot
  • My favourite moment of the episode is when Jack pricks his finger on the blades for the Coffin of Blood act…except that they are SO OBVIOUSLY styrofoam. I appreciate that it’s not easy to make convincing props on a dime store budget, but oof those look faaaaake!
  • It almost appears as if Jack and Ryan use a weird colour coding strategy to free Micki from the Houdin Box in the climax. The lighting goes from red to green (no obvious symbolism there) before the door opens, although I’m unsure if Jack’s broken bottle twisted the crystal or simply refracted light
  • The high camp moment of the episode: that shot of Lyla screaming after her father’s death

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode seven: “Doctor Jack”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0aPDwmDLEY&t=3s

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E05 – “He Knew We’d Have Soft Hearts!”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/lEZgYhwDudc

S01E05: “Hellowe’en”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: The evil spirit of Uncle Lewis (R.G. Armstrong) crashes a Halloween party at the shop and seeks to re-enter the living world.

  • Director: “The Poison Pen” helmer Timothy Bond returns for his second episode
  • Writer: Bill Taub tackles his second Uncle Lewis episode after penning the pilot
  • Famous Guest Star: Outside of Armstrong, the only other guest star is midget Victoria Deslaurier as Greta, who doesn’t have a lot of acting credits to her name

The Amulet of Zohar

Cursed Antique of the Week: There are kind of two — the crystal ball and the Amulet of Zohar — though by default of being the only item that leaves Curious goods, I suppose the Amulet is the main object

Setting: A mortuary

Best Death: There’s actually only one death in this episode, so Greta the midget demon wins by default, even if her accidental death by chair leg is patently ridiculous and underwhelming

Quirkiest Add-On: Greta’s trap for Jack (Chris Wiggins) — a gated prison located in a generic-looking alleyway — fills me with so many questions

Character Bits: Jack was secretly in love with Uncle Lewis’ wife, Grace

80s Fashion Closet: OMG I’ve been so excited for this episode because of the fantastic 80s Halloween costumes and “Hellowe’en” did NOT disappoint. Obviously I preferred Micki (Louise Robey)’s Bride of Frankenstein look the most because it is all dramatic eye make-up, chunky silver belt, plunging neckline and sheer puffy sleeves

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Thankfully the outdated gendered comment flirtation that began last episode is put to rest here. In reality, the looming threat of Uncle Lewis basically eliminates the sexual tension between the cousins, aside from some very tight clutching when his ghost first appears

Halloween costumes/episodes are always welcome

What Works…

Following on the heels of the series’ best episode yet, “Hellowe’en” is another fun entry in the Friday The 13th The Series canon. It’s got a fun hook with the opening Halloween party, a nice returning guest in Armstrong’s Uncle Lewis and a large enough threat that everyone winds up playing a role in its resolution.

At this point in the series, it’s clear that the cast and crew are settling into their roles. The writing is starting to play to the actors’ strengths and the visual aesthetic of the series that Fruet established in the pilot episode has gelled (in addition to the recent inclusion of the slasher movie POV shot, which is now consistently incorporated in).

“Hellowe’en” also brings back the more sophisticated visual effects from the pilot. Uncle Lewis’ transformation from ghost to physical manifestation after touching the amulet is well done and there’s even a brief glimpse of a fireball right before his final showdown with Jim in the mortuary.

Plus: the sight of Louise Robey geting stunned by Greta’s demon powers before she levitates horizontally in the air to wind up in that coffin? <chef’s kiss>

Jack’s alleyway prison is an episode low point

What Doesn’t Work…

The episode’s biggest sin is that it starts off incredibly strong and then squanders its potential with a fairly middling second act. The Halloween party offers us a glimpse of the broader community, introduces a few potential new clients/characters and has loads of atmosphere (particularly the sequence where the mist oozes out of the crystal ball and the entire foundation of the building shakes like an earthquake). And then…Jim goes on a loooooong walk with a little girl and winds up locked in the most makeshift alley prison you’ve ever seen.

I get that Friday The 13th The Series is working on a fixed budget (and the special effects in this episode probably aren’t cheap), but damn if that alley prison isn’t the worst looking thing the show has ever created! And then leaving Chris Wiggins stranded in this sub-plot for a whole act — dealing with idiot passerbys and talking aloud to himself? It’s unforgivable! It also feels perfunctory, as though writer Taub couldn’t think up a more creative way to sideline Jim long enough for Uncle Lewis to pull a fast one on the dumb cousins and get the A-plot going.

The other complaint — which also likely relates to the budget — has to do with the endless chase scenes around the mortuary. By this point in “Hellowe’en” the action has picked up and everyone is back in the mix, but the lack of set dressing in the mortuary and the repetitive chase scenes are boring. The formula is as follows: Uncle Lewis directs Greta to take out the cousins, she wanders the halls, opens doors, and either captures them or they run away. Rinse/lather/repeat.

The fact that Greta is killed in a bizarre accident (she fatally impales herself offscreen on a broken chair leg) is especially disappointing. I’ll concede that part of my sadness is due to the fact that I liked Greta as a character and hoped that she might recur as a villain. RIP Greta.

Who’s down for a satanic ritual involving body swapping?

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Ryan’s friend Larry (David Matheson) is an idiot, but a lovable idiot. I do appreciate the visual reference to the opening of Carpenter’s Halloween in this first scene in Micki’s bedroom
  • Let’s dish on these costumes: as previously discussed, Micki is the Bride of Frankenstein. Jack is Merlin, I’m guessing? And Ryan is, what…a court jester?
  • It is unsurprising that Jack can perform magic and knows how to read Tarot Cards. Alas, the scene where he pulls a plum out of a partygoer’s cleavage has NOT aged well. That’s basically sexual assault, Jack, so maybe don’t, ok?
  • Upon discovering the crystal ball, Larry says: “Well if it had three holes, I could bowl with it.” I hated myself for it, but I did chuckle
  • I do enjoy how much Micki assumes Ryan is at fault. The minute that the shop begins to shake, she blames him. “What’s going on, Ryan? What did you do?”
  • The description of Ryan’s punch made me physically gag: “He made up something orange and brown.”
  • Hey, the black cat from the pilot briefly reappears!
  • There’s a bit too much exposition in the (maybe made up?) story about Uncle Lewis’ role in the accidental death of his wife, but I could barely pay attention because THERE’S AN ENTIRE SECTION OF THE STORE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN BEHIND THE BOOKCASE?! The secret room reveal is one of the greatest, weirdest, funniest parts about “Hellowe’en”
  • Directly from my notes: “Jack baits a couple of local idiots to pull open the gates using their pickup truck, then uses his “magic” to disappear”. The fact that this whole storyline takes 15 minutes is unforgivable
  • My favourite line of the entire episode (and maybe the series to date) is Micki’s lament that Uncle Lewis set them up because “he knew we’d have soft hearts!” I still don’t know how Robey managed to deliver that both earnestly and with a straight face
  • Micki’s levitation by Greta works not only because Robey’s facial expression is hysterical, but because it is genuinely unexpected. I’m always down for a midget pulling pranks on fully grown adults (see also: Don’t Look Now)
  • Two ridiculous moments: There is clearly no one inside the coffins when Jack pulls them off the conveyor belt. And then — in another moment that hasn’t aged well — Jack full-on smacks Micki across the face to knock her out of her trance
  • It occurred to me during the climax that this is the first time that we’ve seen Uncle Lewis and Jack interact! I would have liked more fireball tossing and less dramatic line reading, but as a first time encounter, this suffices
  • The “it’s secretly already dawn” twist feels like a hammy horror movie resolution, so I approve of its use here to dispel Uncle Lewis. Hopefully that’s not the last we’ve seen of him
  • The suggestion that there’ll be more shenanigans in two weeks when Friday the 13th occurs is enough to prompt an eyeroll from me, but I’m still kinda psyched? What’s coming next?!

I’m taking a quick one day breather to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday, so I’ll see you back here Tuesday for Friday The 13th The Series episode six: “The Great Montarro” (whatever the hell that means)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNlVfJo1Z_g

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E04 – “Who Ate All The Chips?!”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFGXC1x2llE&t=2s

S01E04: “A Cup Of Time”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: When a series of deaths of homeless people is brought to their attention, Micki (Louise Robbey) and Ryan (John D. LeMay) discover the murders are connected to popular singer Lady Die (Hilary Shepard). Meanwhile, Jack (Chris Wiggins) must deal with unwanted attention from Birdie (Maxine Miller), a social worker with a crush on him.

  • Director: Harvey Frost, who eventually won an Emmy for Avonlea and directed episodes of Melrose Place and Beverly Hills, 90210
  • Writer: We have our first female writer! This is the sole writing credit for Barbara Sachs, who would later produce Friday The 13th Parts 7 & 8
  • Famous Guest Star: Shepard would go on to play villain Divatox on multiple iterations of Power Rangers

Teacup with Swapper’s Ivy

Cursed Antique of the Week: A teacup covered in Swapper’s Ivy, which allows its owner to trade for whatever they desire

Setting: A local (wooded) park that is populated almost exclusively by homeless people

Best Death: While the vines that rise out of the cup to strangle its victims are full of stop-motion goodness, the most memorable death is when Lady Die’s corpse tumbles out of her RV in a state of advanced decomposition

Quirkiest Add-On: Tie!

  • Birdie has a weird meet/cute all nighter (with heavy romantic overtones) with the homeless man she nearly murders
  • Jack wears a terrible looking toupee when he goes undercover to trick Lady Die into giving up the cup

Character Bits: Jack is working on an experimental food supplemental for mice involving ginseng…for no discernible reason

80s Fashion Closet: Sadly Louise Robey’s hair is kept mostly in check, but Lady Die’s voluminous rocker chic – complete with braided red clip-ons (!!!) – is a sheer (shear?) delight.

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: After clamping down on their socially inappropriate feelings last episode, the cousins adopt a new flirtation technique that involves hurling gendered comments at each other as though they’ve been married to each other for twenty years. Sample dialogue:

  • Ryan (when Micki insists on driving): “The only reason I let you drive is because you look better in the uniform”
  • Micki: “Chauvinist!”

It’s a weird, new stage of their relationship that I don’t know if I like.

Hilary Shepard

Lady Die is a fun Wicked Witch-like villain

What Works…

I’m on the record that this is unequivocally the best episode of the show since the pilot.

There’s something so delightfully fun about the retro Disney vibes that “A Cup Of Time” gives off. An old woman discovers the fountain of youth and after adopting a new, youthful appearance, she decides to become a glamazon rock star who murders homeless people in between cranking out hit singles out of appropriated nursery rhyme lyrics. Like, what?!

While Lady Die’s motivation in “A Cup Of Time” isn’t particularly complicated — or fleshed out for that matter — it is reminiscent of Snow White‘s Wicked Witch, right down to the dark robe and the offer of something nourishing to young people in the woods. The use of Kristen (Lisa Jakub), the pickpocketing child, also evokes a fairytale.

Throw in a ridiculously convoluted story that zigs and zags and “A Cup Of Time” feels like it has the episode with the most narrative meat on its bones thus far. With so much going on, the pace also zips along (compared to, say, the slog that was “The Poison Pen“). Unlike other instalments of the series that feature the same repetitive conflict, Sachs’ script repeatedly offers unexpected new developments such as Kristen’s pickpocketing of the cursed object, Birdie’s surprise break-in at Curious Goods and Jack’s toupee disguise after Micki and Ryan are taken out of the equation by the police.

Also: did I mention that there’s a rock version of “I’m A Little Teapot”? Classic!

Maxine Miller

Birdie’s sudden decision to commit murder feels…reductive

What Doesn’t Work…

Considering that this is the first episode with a female villain, it’s a tad disappointing that there is not one, but two age-and-beauty obsessed murderesses (or near murderess) at large in “A Cup Of Time.” This is, sadly, reflective of the narratives that Hollywood churns out about women, which suggests that they are all shallow and vain about their appearance. Is it representative of the time? Perhaps. That doesn’t mean it isn’t still a touch reductive.

“A Cup Of Time” also suffers from a string of very forced character introductions. Birdie arrives in the store and is greeted as though she’s a main character whom we’ve never met. Grumpy — and terrible at his job — Lieutenant Fishbein (Richard Fitzpatrick) similarly seems like he will become a recurring character: the group’s foil on the force who they butt heads with on different cases. And yet after a quick search, it is clear that neither character reappears! It’s a very odd decision to write characters as though they will be sticking around when that’s clearly not the case.

Finally, the flip side of the speedy pace means that there are a bunch of plot contrivances that don’t entirely make sense. The most egregious occurs at episode’s end when Micki and Ryan are arrested by Fishbein for Birdie’s attempted murder, but they are free in the very next scene to join Jack at Lady Die’s caravan in time for the final reveal. How did that happen?!

Hilary Shepard

I am living for those red braided extensions

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Birdie’s introduction finds her literally just walking into the store like she’s there every day
  • How are Micki and Ryan able to just walk into the morgue while a body is being examined? It’s almost as preposterous as Micki challenging Fishbein with this line: “We were just wondering why so many people are being murdered in our neighbourhood?”
  • It’s disappointing that Fat Eddie is name-dropped, but we only seen his skeleton
  • I may have cackled when Kristen, a child of approximately seven or eight years old, pushes Micki, a full grown woman, over and then is nearly hit by Ryan’s car
  • Ryan’s exchange with Birdie about age is also pretty funny. Ryan: “I think age is all in the mind.” Birdie: “Too bad you need a young mind to think that way!” Sick burn, Birdie
  • I’m completely unsure why the conversation between Kristen and the Lady Die groupie outside of the radio station exists, but it is extremely bizarre. Kristen asks if the woman’s costume hurts to sleep on. Her reply: “Only when I roll on my face”. Ok then!
  • Nice touch giving Kristen a Tales From The Crypt comic considering how much Friday The 13th The Series is indebted to the older property
  • The slasher POV shots in this episode really work for me, even when it’s used in bait and switch scenes like Kristen being chased by Micki and Ryan
  • The Showgirls fan in me almost fell off the couch at the line “Who ate all of the chips?” Who knew that one of the most notorious films of the 90s drew inspiration for ones of its oddest lines from little olde Friday The 13th The Series? (That’s rhetorical; don’t @ me)
  • I like the twist that it is Birdie and not Lady Die who steals the cup from Curious Goods, but it is a really odd twist for the kindly old woman to nearly become a murderer. That’s not even the strangest development of this section of the episode, which finds the older woman spend the rest of the night chatting with her would-be victim. SO WEIRD
  • Also: the amount of salivating that people have for tea in this episode is confounding. No one in North America likes tea that much!
  • Kudos to the makeup team for Lady Die’s progressively deteriorating look. It’s obviously just prosthetics and wigs, but it looks pretty good
  • Sachs should be ashamed of ending the episode with such a terrible Dad Joke: “Do you wanna play tea party?” Oh ha ha ha! Ugh

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode five: “Hellowe’en” when Uncle Lewis returns (FUCK YES)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEZgYhwDudc

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E03 ““He Left With This Girl — Kind Of Attractive”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfvWCkgz2Kg&t=1s

S01E03: “Cupid’s Quiver”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: Jack (Chris Wiggins), Micki (Louise Robey) and Ryan (John D. LeMay) search for a cursed statuette in the houses of a local college. When they finally find it, it’s in the hands of Eddie (Denis Forest) a lonely misfit with an unrequited love for popular girl Laurie (Carolyn Dunn).

  • Director: Atom Egoyan, only one of the most important Canadian directors EVER
  • Writer: Stephen Katz, who by this time had already worked extensively on The A-Team
  • Famous Guest Star: Forest isn’t famous, but he would go on to appear in War of the Worlds and three more episodes of this series

The bland cursed object: Cupid of Malek

Cursed Antique of the Week: A statue of the Cupid of Malek, with a hideous visage

Setting: The local university (and a bizarre giant boiler room)

Best Death: Hands down the woman who is doused in honey and imprisoned in a truck with a hive of bees. It is GONZO crazy

Quirkiest Add-On: Harold (Dennis Fitzgerald), the head of fraternity Delta Lambda Kai, has such an odd, unusual way of speaking. It’s very slow and his cadence is very low and I kept expecting him to murder someone

Character Bits: Jack knows how to make a sodium pentathol cocktail (because of course he does)

80s Fashion Closet: Sadly nothing too crazy, though Micki’s three sizes too big leather jacket is a favourite stand out

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: After nearly porking at the monastery in the last episode, the cuzes manage to keep their mitts off each other…right up until the end when Ryan point blank asks Micki out after getting blown off by Laurie. Smooth move, buddy

Denis Forest

Please read my thesis: “Voyeurism and Fetishization in Early Egoyan”

What Works…

Look, if we’re being honest, this isn’t the most exciting episode of Friday The 13th The Series. The cursed artefact doesn’t have a ton of character, the plot is relatively straightforward and there’s no fun guest star to get excited about.

Except that “Cupid’s Quiver” is literally directed by one of the most important Canadian directors of all time. That’s right, a tiny little Canadian horror television series nabbed Atom Egoyan to direct an episode!

Forgive the fangirling, but this is such an odd turn of events. For folks who are unfamiliar with Egoyan, he would go on to direct major festival hits Exotica and The Sweet Hereafter, which was nominated for two Oscars back in 1998, including Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Director. He makes super prestigious films about memory, regret, trauma and sexuality and, particularly during his heyday in the 90s, he was neck and neck with David Cronenberg as Canada’s most esteemed director.

What’s fascinating about “Cupid’s Quiver” then is how closely it mirrors the thematic concerns that define Egoyan’s oeuvre. This episode comes relatively early in his career, before he began gaining notice for (admittedly still small) films such as Speaking Parts (1989) and The Adjuster (1991) – the latter of which is a personal favourite and a must watch for anyone who finds Elias Koteas both hot and scary.

Egoyan’s early work frequently examined how technology, in particular cameras and video, plays into voyeurism and sexual fetishism. His characters are often unable to connect physically or emotionally because they are at a distance from other another (hence the need for a lens to get closer, as well to capture for posterity). Even though “Cupid’s Quiver” wasn’t written by Egoyan, Eddie’s inability to actually engage with women drives him to photograph them. Even when he does engage them in conversation, he is incapable of regarding them as anything other than sexual objects, divided up fetishistically into parts.

Egoyan represents this visually with point of view close ups of the women’s lips and busts, and these isolated body parts are reinforced in the photographic collage that Eddie constructs in his boiler room wall. The shrine-like images and the conflation of sex, love and obssesion in Friday The 13th is a low-tech version of the same concept that Egoyan would explore in nearly all of his films throughout the late 80s through to the mid-90s.

Louise Robey, Denis Forest

The confusing climax of “Cupid’s Quiver”

What Doesn’t Work…

As mentioned above, aside from the fascinating linkages between this episode and Egoyan’s later output, “Cupid’s Quiver” is fine, but hardly exceptional. Forest’s committed performance as Eddie is a standout, though he’s less of a character than a prototype “incel” – a disgruntled man who believes that he’s owed sex by women. It would have been nice to have dug into Eddie’s psyche a little more; instead the production team slaps a big zit on his cheek and greases up his hair and calls it a day.

A lot of blame can be placed on the cursed object, which isn’t at all threatening (or even all that interesting). There’s no explanation if the statue exudes some kind of pull on sexually frustrated men and, not unlike episode two, the narrative suffers from a little too padding (here it’s in the form of Richard Alden’s idiot campus security guard who foolishly confiscates the Cupid from Micki and Ryan and then literally hands it back to Eddie for no discernible reason).

Throw in a badly edited final fight sequence that has a number of continuity errors (Eddie burns his face in steam, but suffers no visible effects? Amazing!) and this episode simply isn’t that memorable.

Dennis Fitzgerald

Harold is such an odd duck

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • Strategy for men who suck at dating: maybe stick with approaching women who are single and available, rather than women who are clearly already with someone
  • That honeymoon suite is garishly horrific. It’s like Suspiria puked all over a cheap fleabag penthouse. All I can imagine is the migraine that would accompany that flashing neon light coming in through the window
  • Also: what woman moans “Oh, so good, so good!” during sex?
  • There’s a weird conflation between the statue and the fraternity that the episode always skirts. I wonder if in an original draft it was fraternity members who did the killing (or is the assumption simply that frat boys don’t need the assist because they’re all beefcakes?)
  • When Micki criticizes Ryan for suggesting that they impersonate the cops again, he counters with: “It worked last time, didn’t it?” Were these episodes aired out of order because they impersonated cops in the pilot, not the second episode
  • I love that Micki and Ryan make no effort to dress differently for the party than when they attempted to sneak into the frat house earlier that day. They really suck at this undercover thing
  • When Jack enquires after Eddie the bartender describes the woman he left with as “kind of attractive”. Umm, no one asked for your opinion on the physical attributes of your customers, buddy
  • Hilarious Harold dialogue: “They always end up running away from me”. It’s because you’re a loser, Harold!
  • Questions I have about the climax:
    • Where did Eddie’s axe come from?
    • Why does Micki pass out?
    • Why doesn’t Eddie have any residual burns from the steam where he cuts the pipe?
  • Finally, what’s with the ominous camera tilt up to the gargoyle head above the vault door when Jack ominously announces that they might fail if they ever have to recapture the cursed objects they’ve stored in the vaults? Is that just a really bad example of foreshadowing?

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode four: A Cup of Time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFGXC1x2llE

Friday The 13th Series Rewatch: S01E02 “He Should Have Stuck To Pencils”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/tGgTLgLPg_o

S01E02: “The Poison Pen”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: After reading a news story, Micki (Louise Robey), Ryan (John D. LeMay) and Jack (Chris Wiggins) track an antique quill pen to a monastery famous for its “Oracle of Death”. In order to enter, all three have to disguise themselves as monks.

  • Director: Timothy Bond, who would go on to direct several Alfred Hitchcock Presents… episodes and lots of Canadian TV series
  • Writer: Durnford King, who also wrote for the Highlander TV series
  • Famous Guest Star: Colin Fox as villainous Brother Le Croix, known for his voice work on Babar, Legend of Zelda and Beetlejuice

The titular Poison Pen in all of its glory

Cursed Antique of the Week: The titular Poison Pen (duh), a quilled silver pen with the feather of a Chilean condor (“the worst kind”, don’t you know?)

Setting: The Eternal Brotherhood monastery

Best Death: Tie!

  1. After taking over the role of Abbot, Arrupe (Gillie Fenwick) is smothered by his bed, which descends on him while he’s sleeping
  2. Brother Currie (Larry Reynolds) commits suicide by decapitation

Quirkiest Add-On: When Micki and Ryan first take a tour of the monastery, one Brother is randomly self-flagellating in the hall and it is not treated as odd in the slightest, despite the fact that this would be A VERY ODD THING

Character bits: Jack apparently knows a ton about both bird feathers and South American spiders

80s Fashion Closet: Not a ton of period-relevant clothes to mock, but we HAVE to talk about Micki’s undercover disguise. This shizz is not fooling ANYONE.  She literally looks like a woman wearing a robe, but (of course!) this somehow manages to fool everyone at the monastery. It’s so dumb

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: After helping her to wrap her bust, Ryan tells Micki “You’re the cutest boy I’ve ever seen”. This is both creepy and just a touch gay

Gillie Fenwick

Brother Arrupe (Gillie Fenwick) does his best Freddy Krueger impression

What Works…

While the case of the week drags on for far too long (more on that below), I really appreciated that all three of our core cast got to get involved. In the pilot episode, Jack was effectively sidelined for long stretches, so his second act appearance at the monastery here is very welcome. There’s still a suggestion that the writers don’t entirely know what to do with everyone, but “The Poison Pen” is an improvement because all three characters get at least one solo moment to contribute to the case and shine.

As icky as the implied romantic relationship between the cousins is, this episode strikes a good comedic balance between Micki and Ryan. There’s some great banter between them when Micki learns about the single room assignment and the communal shower and their bickering while working the grounds is good for a chuckle or two. Micki’s vow of silence undercover work gives Robey a lot of opportunities to shine and she definitely rises to the occasion in this episode.

Finally, while there are no show stopping action sequences like Uncle Lewis’ basement chase scene, there are two incredibly memorable visuals from this episode:

  1. The opening scene when Abbot Capilano (Lewis Gordon) floats into the air off the roof before plummeting to his death. Between the creepy, dread-infused whispered reading of the perfect cursive writing and Capilano’s unexpected delight at what he perceives to be a religious miracle, it’s a great start to the episode
  2. The image of Arrupe being smothered by his bed, particularly when the sheet presses tight over his face like Freddy Krueger coming out of Nancy’s wall in the original Nightmare on Elm Street
A.C. Peterson

Hey Brother Drake (A.C. Peterson), what’s your deal?!

What Doesn’t Work…

OHMYGOD the pacing! After the pilot episode pulls double duty to introduce the characters and set up the case of the week premise of the show, rely solely on the latter storyline for this second episode makes it feel like things are happening at a positively glacial pace. Part of the problem is that “The Poison Pen” sets up the villain of the piece as a mystery when it is painfully obvious that it is Le Croix from very early on, which makes Micki, Ryan and Jack look inept for not zeroing in on him earlier.

Another issue is that it is unclear exactly how the pen’s effects work. Clearly whatever horrible fate is written comes to pass (RIP real Matthew and Simon, who died from the poisonous spider bites instead of Micki and Ryan), but what is the time frame between writing and occurrence? At most points it seems immediate, but Le Croix mentions that Brother Currie left behind a number of predictions following his death. This is likely simply the villain covering his tracks, but it’s also not the best writing.

Finally, what is the role of Brother Drake (A.C. Peterson), Le Croix’s muscle, in all of this? Initially it appears that he’s working in cahoots with Le Croix to hide Brother Currie (Larry Reynolds) AKA the “Oracle of Death”, but when it is revealed that Le Croix is actually up to nefarious deeds, Drake seems shocked and turns on him. Again, it can be deduced that Drake was initially protecting the monastery and a fellow monk, but it’s not handled as well as it could be.

Paging Billy from Black Christmas!

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • The litany of conditions that prevent Micki and Ryan from seeing Brother Currie becomes hilariously long as the episode progresses: he’s in seclusion AND he’s taken a vow of silence AND he’s maybe a prisoner
  • OF COURSE Ryan doesn’t know Nostradamus. It’s not it’s totally common knowledge or anything <face palm> Tarot cards, fortune tellers, fortune cookies
  • Micki’s inability to remain silent, particularly as the episode progresses, is easily one of the highlights for me. She literally makes no effort at the end and her feminine voice is exceedingly distinctive!
  • Also: at one point Micki complains LOUDLY about how she just wanted to get married and settle down. Can someone please teleport back to the late 80s to teach her about feminism?
  • When Le Croix yells at Ryan following Arrupe’s death, all I could think of was how bad it would look to chastise clergy who are visiting the monastery. Jack joins them after Arrupe’s death
  • The rationale for Le Croix’s actions are appallingly bland: he wants money for a book advance on the Oracle’s story and a payout for selling the monastery to a real estate developer
  • Chekov’s Spider: You had to know that Micki’s fear of arachnids would come into play after she’s terrified of one out in the fields, but this is nicely upended when she and Ryan are saved from Le Croix’s effort to kill them because they aren’t who they say they are
  • The scene of Drake spying on Micki is the shower is very Black Christmas voyeur, no?
  • The resolution to the Le Croix threat is actually pretty clever: Jack tricks the greedy monk into writing his own death sentence on his original invoice for the pen. It’s a clever way to dispose of him
  • Oof, the effect of the flying guillotine has not aged well

Come back tomorrow for a review of Friday The 13th The Series episode three: “Cupid’s Quiver”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfvWCkgz2Kg

Friday The 13th The Series Rewatch: S01E01 “So Much For Innocent Playthings”

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Welcome to the Friday The 13th The Series rewatch. Each day throughout October, we’ll watch one episode of the seminal 1987 television series and tackle the highs, the lows and Micki’s hair (of course). Now step into Curious Goods and peruse our cursed antiques, won’t you?

https://youtu.be/2oLm5C1Or-w

S01E01: “The Inheritance”

Wikipedia Plot Summary: When Micki Foster (Louise Robey) and her cousin, Ryan Dallion (John D. LeMay), inherit an antique shop from their late Uncle Lewis Vendredi (R.G. Armstrong), they soon meet an old friend of Lewis’ named Jack Marshak (Chris Wiggins). He reveals to them that their inheritance comes with a devil’s curse.

  • Director: William Fruet, who is credited with multiple episodes of War of the Worlds, Goosebumps and Poltergeist: The Series
  • Writer: Bill Taub, who also wrote several episodes of Dallas and Relic Hunter
  • Famous Guest Star: Future Avonlea star (as well as mega talented director) Sarah Polley stars as devilish child Mary Simms
Sarah Polley

Sarah Polley is the real villain of “The Inheritance”

Cursed Antique of the Week: Veda, the talking doll who murders on command

Setting: The suburbs (shudder!)

Best Death: There’s actually only one death, but for my money the near death of Mary’s babysitter (Esther Hockin) — by telekinetic records, possessed stuffed animals and strangulation by skipping rope – is the most silly and fun

Quirkiest Add-On: There’s a random black cat hanging around in Uncle Vendredi’s car whose sole purpose is to scare Micki

Character Bits: Micki leaves behind a fiancé Lloyd (Barclay Hope). Since this is a pilot, I’ll be curious to see if Lloyd ever returns

80s Fashion Closet: Compared to where the series takes Micki’s looks, particularly her red mane, this is pretty understated. Still, I can’t help but love the 80s fashion on display the first night that she arrives at Vendredi’s shop: is she wearing a bathrobe or a trench coat? Who can tell?! The worst offender, however, has to be Ryan’s sales day look, which includes a button up shirt, tie and shorts(!) This outfit is criminal

Kissing Cousins Incest Watch: Aside from a few lines when Ryan protests Micki’s desire to sell the store and high tail it out of there to get back to Lloyd, the premiere doesn’t lean too hard into inappropriate cousin territory

R.G. Armstrong

Uncle Lewis (R.G. Armstrong) plummets to Hell

What Works…

As a pilot, “The Inheritance” is pulling double duty to establish both the premise and characters. The cold open, which introduces Veda the evil doll and the cursed object shop, goes a long way towards developing the series’ trademark dark, mischievous tone.

Fruet’s direction during this extended opening sequence — when shop owner Lewis Vendredi is plagued by ghosts before he is electrocuted and dropped down an elevator shaft to Hell — is particularly well done. Fruet keeps the camera moving, swooping and diving around the atmospheric ruins of the basement, to create a sense of excitement and unease. This opening sets the standard and acts as the blueprint for all of the action sequences to come.

The banter and camaraderie between Micki and Ryan debuts in slightly muted form, but that is understandable since they don’t know each other very well. Veda the doll and entitled brat Mary (Polley) is a good first case for the pair: it offers some mild scares (Fruet makes good use of the doll’s eyes) but it is also resolved relatively easily, leaving additional time to fully introduce the core cast and firm up the premise.

Plus Polley is (unsurprisingly) great at playing a petulant little girl. Mary is a terror in her own right and it’s a joy watching her get her comeuppance in the climax. Hmmm…maybe this is why I shouldn’t have kids.

Sarah Polley, Lynne Cormack

Veda murders Mrs Simms (Lynne Cormack)

What Doesn’t Work…

Let’s be honest: dolls can be freaky, but they’re very rarely scary. Veda enables Mary’s worst qualities, but the malicious child is far more unsettling than her animated doll. At the end of the day, Veda is more of a master manipulator than a figure of terror, which is what makes the scene when Veda smothers (chokes?) Mary’s stepmother Irene (Lynne Cormack) so laughable. It’s clearly an actress holding a doll and screaming. That’s funny, not scary.

The same can be said of the climax, which finds Micki and Ryan battling Mary for Veda on an out of control Merry-Go-Round. Fruet does his best to make the entire playground sequence threatening, shooting from low angles and clouding the sky over with some primitive late 80s FX, but none of this can disguise the fact that it takes an eternity for two adults to pry a doll out of a young girl’s hands.

The fact that Veda essentially becomes dormant immediately afterwards and is easily placed back in the Curious Goods vault without incident also feels like a lost opportunity. There’s easily room for one last scare…but nothing happens. It’s a mildly underwhelming way to end the first case.

One final, minor quibble: Jack is essentially introduced and then sits out the rest of the episode. While Micki and Ryan are our defacto leads, the pilot episode doesn’t have a grasp on how best to utilize the third (older) member of the cast and it shows.

Sarah Polley, Louise Robey

Just grab the damn doll, Micki (Louise Robey)!

Stream of Consciousness Musings

  • I love that the pilot episode literally opens on a dark and stormy night
  • Why would Mr and Mrs Simms bring a small child into an antique store and then expect her NOT to touch anything? Honestly, they brought this nightmare down on themselves
  • My notes when Mary first appears on screen: “OHMYGAWD is that Sarah Polley?!?!”
  • “Nothing’s for sale in here!” Well that’s just a terrible business model, Uncle Lewis
  • The flaming hooves footsteps coming down the stairs after Uncle Lewis and the demonic laugh is a nice touch
  • The switch to 80s sitcom music as Micky packs is a jarring transition, but I kinda love it
  • Is Ryan’s “turbulence” reference about Micki’s hair? I am SO psyched for her increasingly ridiculous hairstyles
  • The whole sequence when Micki gets locked in the vault with Veda, then winds up opening the trap door to reveal the hidden manifest in the ceiling is bizarrely convoluted
  • Good comedy: Ryan tells Micki that they’re selling the store over his dead body. Smash cut to the exterior of the store with sale signs all over the windows
  • Jack’s introduction as a hooded figure sneaking through the store at night is odd. It also suggests that maybe Micki and Ryan should learn how to lock a fucking door
  • Our demon terminology for the episode is “Dusins”, which describes Uncle Lewis’ devil worship/pact in exchange for wealth and immortality. The more you know!
  • Jack: “You don’t break a pact with the Devil.” Ryan: “You don’t? Why?” I mean, Ryan, come on man…
  • The episode ends with the store being renamed Curious Goods and a (re)confirmation of the show’s premise to reclaim every cursed item that they sold. But where to begin? CLIFFHANGER (dum dum dum)

See you back here tomorrow for Friday The 13th The Series episode two: The Poison Pen!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGgTLgLPg_o&t=3s