The 2014 song “Anaconda” plays over the closing credits of the Sony reboot of the same name and the lyrics “My Anaconda don’t” seem particularly apt for this unfunny comedy horror.
Written by Kevin Etten and Tom Gormican and directed by the latter, there’s a decent premise at the heart of Anaconda (2025). In a nutshell, the film is interested in how four friends lost their way when they became adults and have to rediscover their friendship (and, by extension, what brings them joy). In the world of the film, these life lessons are learned when the former burgeoning filmmakers decide to make a modern day remake of the 1997 Jennifer Lopez/Ice Cube creature feature.
It’s clear from the jump that Etten and Gormican have opted to take a comedic route as opposed to making an outright horror film. And while there are still tense moments, the remake tends to eschew genuine scares in favour of family-friendly fare; it’s definitely more Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017) than Jumanji (1995).
This would all be fine if the film was, you know, <actually> funny. Alas, the writers frequently opt for low hanging fruit, particularly when it comes to the meta/self-aware humour. The fact that the original film exists in this film universe means there are plenty of conversations about rights, licensing, and IP. These are all things which Anaconda (2025) mistakenly believes are exceedingly clever and topical.
Alas there’s no actual commentary or perspective, and definitely no bite*. Instead Anaconda tends to couch its attempts at commentary and satire in observational soundbites that amount to the cinematic equivalent of a shrug and “IP, am I right?!”
*The exception is one particularly welcome barb at parent studio Sony, which feels like the filmmakers biting the hand that feeds them (which is why it works so well).
Not helping matters are the lack of characterization. The cast appears to be having a lot of fun, but these characters are as stock and generic as they come. All four leads are basically a variation of the same type: a loser who needs adventure to rediscover what’s important in their lives. The individual circumstances may differ (Black’s Doug directs pedantic wedding videos while Rudd’s Griff is a failed actor; Zahn’s Kenny is a screw-up recovering addict and Newton’s Claire is…divorced?) but there are no levels.
This may not matter to audiences with an affinity for the actors themselves, but I’ll confess that, as someone who doesn’t appreciate the comedy in shout-y performances, Black’s performance is particularly tiring. This is extremely broad comedy, aimed to play to the lowest common denominator, which proves grating early on and only gets worse.
Not helping matters is the marketing’s decision to feature several of the film’s best (only?) joke(s), including a cameo from a franchise original, and the sequence in which Doug is left for dead with a boar strapped to his back. There’s a jokey addendum to the latter gag that is amusing, but considering how late this occurs in the film, it’s frustrating to have one of the film’s best comedic set pieces spoiled so blatantly.
Add to this a dull and predictable subplot about drug running in the Amazon that exists solely to force our foursome into ridiculous situations and Anaconda frequently feels like it’s held together by Mad Libs and scotch tape. If you like any of the four leads, you may be able to derive some enjoyment out of their interactions, but this is a soggy slog that putters along. I have no doubt it’ll be an enormous holiday hit, but audiences can – and should – demand better from our IP remakes. 1.5/5
Other Observations
- The individual who emerges unscathed from this is Selton Mello as Santiago Braga, the snake handler whose best friend is also a snake. His animosity with Griff is dull, but Santiago’s obsession with scaly creatures borders on the pathetic in an extremely endearing (and, yes, comedic) fashion.
- Newton is saddled with arguably the least interesting backstory and her tentative stabs at romance with Rudd are chemistry-free at best and a snooze at worse (in large part because even the film doesn’t seem interested in it). Justice for this talented actress!
- Another caveat: there is one part where Claire ad-lib sings a few lines in a ridiculous situation and it is easily one of the silliest, funniest little moments of the film.
Anaconda is in theatres Dec 25
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